Wednesday, February 17, 2010


So I didn't update yesterday. I got super busy. In fact, I should be memorizing lines for the show I am in that opens next Friday and doing homework that is due tomorrow, but I love you all so much that I am here updating instead.

To be completely honest, I am extremely exhausted emotionally and physically right now, and I cannot think of anything funny to say. I am really sorry to anyone who reads that is wondering why I am suddenly not funny. I just do not want to post something that is not amusing to me, and I certainly do not want to whine in my blog. At least, not overly much. That is just annoying.

INTERRUPTION: This conversation just happened in my house two seconds ago.

Amber: Sir Peen's getting a little limp over there. I think he has ED
KRB: Maybe he needs some Viagra

Yeah. My roomates are the best.

Right. So I am going to go sleep now, so I can get up and do homework in the morning. Ugh.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Majora's Mask of the Zelda series was probably named after a girls naughty bits.


I know, I know. You are all thrilled that I am updating again. Give me a minute to bask in your praise and adoration.

Okay. Moment over.

So stuff that has happened in my life recently:

1. I still have not heard about call backs. It is driving me up a wall.
2. I decided to start exercising because it is kind a good thing. All I have to say about this is "FUCKING OUCH!"
3. OLYMPICS ARE ON! YAYAYAYAYAY! I <3 Figure Skating and Downhill Snow Boarding
4. I got the second webcomic up. I linked it in the previous sentence. Also,  I am pretty sure this is going to be a once a week venture until I get faster/better at drawing.

I think that is just about all that is going on of importance of my life right now.Woohoo.

So now back to serious business. The other day I was watching my television, and I see this commercial for a birth control pill. Now normally I just ignore these ads because I hate commercials, but this one was different. It was special....


Yeah. So basically the premise of this ad (other than BUY THIS BIRTH CONTROL KTHX) was that it would stop you from having a needless period. It basically posited that periods are pointless and have no purpose.


This is completely true. I once heard this girl decided not to take period blocking birth control, and her uterine lining turned into duck fetuses....fetii.. fetusi?..... I have no idea what the plural of fetus is, but the point is that this girl had a uterus made of immature duck babies. Yeah. ALSO, her labia majora turned into calcium carbonate eggs. So basically her entire reproductive tract was a duck egg. And instead of getting yeast infections, she got yolk infections, which is gross be cause albumin has no business being in a human vagina ever.

Also, sex was out of question for her because eggs are fragile. This gives a whole new meaning to "smashing"  a girl.

Smashing means having sex with, for anyone who does not know. Because I did not, and I had to look it up on Urban Dictionary, which was a mistake because that place is almost as bad as 4chan.

Oh. Ashleigh and I were wondering if the Zelda game Majora's Mask was named after the Labia Majora. Because Zelda is totally a vagina like that, if you catch my drift (think four letter offensive term for vagina starting with a C). If anyone has an answer to this question, please let me know.

Alright, alright, alright, IN ALL SERIOUSNESS: I would like to point out/rant that THEIR CLAIMS ARE NOT TRUE. As annoying/painful as having a period might seem, they are a necessary part of a woman's body/life/metabolic cycle. I am completely serious for once in this blog/my life. If a woman does not have her period for long enough, her hormone cycle gets messed up, and it can lead to cancer, anemia, etc. Also, if this trend continues for too long it severely effects bone density and increases the chance of severe osteoporosis more than ten fold.

 I have a definite problem with this commercial saying that a woman does not need her period, and I think the FDA needs to make them quit that.

So yeah. Serious moment.

Oh, did I mention that not having a period turns your uterine lining into live duck fetuses? Yeah. That is totally a scientific fact.

Alright. SRS BZNS over.

I am not very funny today. My apologies.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Shorts posts are short

So I really did not do a very good job of updating last week, but stuff happens.

Haha. I just wanted to post to let anyone who reads my blog know that I have decided  to TENTATIVELY, let me say that again, TENTATIVELY, TENTATIVELY  try to post  every Monday-Thursday. Maybe Friday. Yeah. It will probably just end up being whenever something really random happens. 

Alright. I think that is all I really have to say. I am going to go work on Rated R for Ridiculous now. Have an excellent weekend, and if you really need to talk to me, or share some kind of story, etc. , you can always email me or something.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Science has made me morally powerful and so can you! (This is only slightly a lie and by slightly I mean COMPLETELY).

Alright, so this blog post is coming WAAAAAY earlier in the day than I normally would post it because I pulled an all-nighter and am going to need to go to bed early tonight. Coincidentally this means the release of the new strip in Rated R for Ridiculous is going to have to be delayed for an unspecified amount of time. Sorry about that, but I kind have to pass my classes, and studying is an important part of that. Which is ironic because I am totally procrastinating from studying right now to write this blog post. GO ME!


So yesterday evening/this morning/ some obscure time that is difficult to pin point and properly convey because of extreme sleep deprivation, when I was pulling an all-nighter studying for my Neurobiology test, I definitely typed the term "spontaneous abortion" in a legitimate sense. Yes. LEGITIMATE. You read that right POOMSOSA.

Now, this probably sounds extremely far-fetched to you all, given my propensity for being horrendously inappropriate and non-PC (if you think that means that I am a mac user/lover, GTFO my blog before I surprise tracheotomy you with a subsequent and complementary retina stabbing as a gift to your opening and account with my bank of pain).

Wow. I forgot how good it felt to emptily-threaten bodily harm. I think this might be the five hour energy/sleep deprivation/common depravity that I have speaking.

Right. Back on topic.

So yes. That occurrence made me realize just how morbid my future career in Biology is going to be. Provided I actually have a career in Biology. I mean, we biologists talk about this kinda stuff all the time.

Hell, we talk about all sorts of other terrible shit. Even better? We are totally encouraged and allowed to because it is in the name of science. Supposedly. I am a little vague on these details.

What this made me realize/assume/ consider taking advantage of is that I have the power to say pretty much whatever I want, and when people are all "WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS THE MOST TERRIBLE THING I HAVE EVER HEARD. GTFO MY EARTH NAOW KTHXBAI" I can simply smile indulgently and say "Oh. No it is not. I was talking about it in a scientific sense. FUCKING BOOYA"  I may not add that last part in there. This is a work in progress.

But it is basically like BAM: Instant protection from anger. Unless, of course, I am talking to another scientist (or someone who knows  about the subject we are discussing) in which case we have to have a  sciencey dominance fight to see  who gets to claim to be the superior scientist and thus is not in the wrong. To do this, I am definitely proposing that, as Biologists, we engage in the ancient snail technique of penis fencing. Of course, snails do this to decide which snail is the male and which is the female in mating (or just to choose a mate in general), but choosing mates and establishing dominance in intelligence are basically the same thing. Because if you do not know what you are doing, your chances of successful reproduction are slim at best.

Also, I know I do not have penis, but I can get a strap on or something. I am totally game for that if it means that I can establish my science knowledge dominance.

Not that I need a penis for that. Shit. I am getting myself all sorts of confused here. Please do not take this as a MEN ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN BECAUSE THEY HAVE STICK GENITALS RATHER THAN GAPING ABYSMAL CHASM GENITALS because that is NOT WHAT I AM SAYING.

I just thought penis fencing would be funny.

Dammit. Now I am offending even myself. I need sleep.

Buuuuut I will not sleep yet because I feel this need to make up for my past few lame posts.

OOH! This just in: An IM conversation that happened with my first friend ever (and coincidentally the only other bestie I have on par with Ashtard).

Baki: I have warmth in my belly *o*
Me: ......
Baki: Food xDD
Me: Why do I automatically associate that with orgasm? I am fucked up
Baki: lmaoooo
Me: Curse my roomate for her corruption of my mind.
Baki: Your poking is that powerful.
Me: .......THE FUCK?
Baki: rofl
Me: lolz
Baki: My city on this game is Pokedextrous. It's like Ambidextrous, but with more balls.

I have no idea why my blog seems to revolve around talk of genitals/sexual reproduction/ gross things all of a sudden considering I am pretty much the least sexual being ever AKA The Eighth Asexual wonder of the world.
 I think I am just going to act like the stereotypical minority case and blame society, (AKA because my Roomate and friends who call me Injun all the time because they are FUCKING INCONSIDERATE like that. I do not go around calling them PAPER WHITE CRACKER or whatever white racial slur applies. I am bad at creative racial slurs in general. Which is probably a good thing.) Because clearly ALL minorities do this (and by all I mean not all. I am not that much of a chauvinistic racist and hopefully never will be.)

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I really hoped I would never hear dolphin and ball gag in the same sentence, but that hope was dashed tonight.

Oh my God. I AM SO FREAKING BUSY. It is complete and utter bullshit.


Alright. So basically I should be studying for a big Neurobiology test I have tomorrow, but I am writing this blog post instead. FEEL PRIVILEGED.

Okay. So this weekend. So basically I was at home this weekend by myself. I thought this would be okay, considering, you know, I could sleep in late without worrying about my roomates waking me up for something.

FUCKING FALSE. Apparently the baseball field near my apartment decided that blaring RAP MUSIC at EIGHT IN THE MORNING was a good idea. Just FYI, it is NOT. Fuck you baseball field.

So then they finally shut the hell up and stop blaring music, and my Chinese roomate SETS THE FIRE ALARM OFF RIGHT WHEN I FALL BACK TO SLEEP.


So that was the majority of my Saturday. And by majority I mean minority. In all reality my Saturday was boring. Actually, so was my whole weekend.  My audition did go well. So hopefully I will get a call back. Hopefully.

Hold on. This just in:

Conversation that just occurred in my house:

Me: Ugh. Brain is not working and will not let me write a post.
Eric: Oh. Well you could write about how sexy I am.
Me: Yeah. No. I do not think so.
Eric: *RANDOM Change of subject* WHAT IS THAT?
Ashleigh: It's a bear, doing a dolphin from behind with a ball gag in its mouth. Sexy.

I really do not know why they are looking at animal porn. In fact. I did not even want to know what they were gasping at.


OH! Right. So today I taught lab. And while I was teaching lab, my boss came in and was looking at the mold cultures we have, and was all "OH NO! Why did these get shaken up. They are not supposed to be shaken up."

My response?

"Oh. We were having a mold fiesta and those cultures were our maracas."

I do not think that my boss was very pleased. I got some chuckles from the students though.

Oh. And then. AND THEN. I look up and there is a GIANT fly head model staring down at me from one of the cabinets. No bueno. Absolutely no bueno.

Yeah. I think I am going to go and study for my test.

I will try and be more entertaining tomorrow.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

This post is going to suck mostly because its 1:42 and I need sleep but I also need to update

I think the title of this blogpost pretty much says it all. I got really busy studying/superbowling/screaming at the TV/ working on my webcomic and completely slacked off on writing the most for tonight.

Yeah. So basically there will be two posts for today/tomorrow/whatever day this post gets classified as.

I promise lots ridiculous insanity is on the way when I recount the events of my weekend. I just do not have the capacity to relay it right now.

The only significant news I really can convey is that I FINALLY have the first comic in my webcomic up.

I found a really neat webcomic hosting place. You can find my comic here.

The strip is called Rated R for Ridiculous. Har har, I know I am amazing.

Also what the ell there is a creepy moving plasticized humanoid robot with a vacuum as a penis. In fact, he just called it his groinal socket. Apparently he can attach hedge clippers too. I am fucking confused and mortified. Alright. Time for sleeping now.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I do not know why my roomate just said "I am totally putting that in my vagina" but I am kind of frightened.

Okay. So I am getting a lot better at updating. I think this is the fourth day in a row that I have updated consistently.Admiration and praise is acceptable and expected.

Go head, I will wait.

So anyway, I think that today's blog is going to be all about my  two of my room mates and how horrible/amazing they are. I am only focusing on two today because my third roomate (and BESTIE), Ashleigh, deserves a whole post to herself. That is how terrible/awesome she is.

Okay, so I am going to start with Wendy.

I do not know her very well. What I do know is that she is from China and is basically terrified of me. Mostly because one day she walked into the apartment in mid-rant as I was screaming "IF YOU DO NOT STOP MESSAGING ME I WILL CUT YOUR TOES OFF AND FEED THEM TO A DEAD BEAVER."

....Yeah. That was one of my finer moments.

Anyway, her claim to fame in the apartment is making Chinese food and randomly popping in and out. We do not see her much. I think that is mostly my fault.

Also, I totally told her I needed her picture for a class project because I did not know how to explain why I needed it for my blog. I might be a terrible person. And by might I mean I am.
Then we have KRB. She asked me to disguise her picture because she did not want to be associated with my blog. I cannot say I blame her.


Right, Here she is:

Yeah. KRB is pretty epic. When she is not preaching at me about being a better person, or not swearing...or whatever. I remember this one time I was asking her to share her blanket with me because I was cold, and she thought I was just being an idiot and harassing her, so when I tried to take part of the blanket she totally clawed my arm to shreds. True.Story. 
Then I sprayed her with a water bottle (that part is not true. I totally shrieked like a little girl and rolled around on the floor)


I think I might kill her. FUCKING SPOTS. AUGH.

And no, I do not mean fucking spots literally. That would be difficult, as the only reason I am seeing them is because of my retina, and I am pretty sure my retina and vagina will NEVER come into physical contact. 
Except now that I said that some serial killer is going to come and rip my eye out and then shove it into my vagina. DAMMIT. 


Back to KRB. 

So basically she is pretty hilarious, but is a muuuuuch better person than me. No joke. She swears exactly once a month, goes to church every Sunday,  and all sorts of good stuff. But then she will come out with random racist jokes and Ashleigh and I would be like "O.O WHAT THE HELL BAHAHAHAHA"

So yeah. I do not really have much else to say about her. Well, I do but I need to hurry up and finish this because I have a test, a quiz, and homework due tomorrow, AND I need to finish grading papers, AND I need to go grocery shopping.

Do not DARE judge me POOMSOSA. 

Hold on. My roomate just told me that I could not share a fork with her because I have gonorrhea. Apparently she is under the misconception that I use my vagina to hold eating utensils. Again with the whole face and vagina never meeting. Ugh. GET IT RIGHT PEOPLE.

Okay. So Random update time before I finish grading papers:

1. Ashtard (BESTIE) and I have a SUPER AWESOME HAND SHAKE .You should all go check it out.
2. I have a prelim sketch of the "theme" picture for my webcomic preliminarily finished. I am including it below. 
3. I think Ashtard just tried to nom on my charger while it was connected to the wall. I am confused. She may or may not be on drugs.

4. I have an audition on Sunday. I hope it goes well.

5. Apparently Ashtard also has dysentery and wants a carbonite cake of Han Solo to celebrate her divorce.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

In which Hitler is a Super Saiyan, Sir Peen finds a mate, and I debunk a common TV misconception

Okay, before I commence with the main attractions of this blog post, I have a random rant to go on. As usual, it is about some stupid ass commercial that happens to be on TV when I type up my post.

The Rant of the Day (TM) is brought to you by  that commercial where Mary Kay talks about her mom and how she gave her advice and she created that heart diamond thing. And then they say that the advice was "Keep your heart open, and love will always find away in."


If you keep your heart open, which should NEVER HAPPEN unless you are having heart surgery, INFECTION will invite its way in. And then you will have heart failure, and you will either die or have brain damage because your heart shuts down and cuts off the blood supply to your brain.

Okay. On with the show:




Go look at it. Now. It will take you a while to watch, but FUCKING LOL






Can you IMAGINE? God. I surely cannot.

Fucking super saiyan Hitler. That is so terrifying and inappropriate.

Also, does that mean that Goku's kids are half Jew, half Saiyan now?


Okay, I think I have efficiently and effectively conveyed my mirth about that video.


Okay. Now I am done.

SOOO. I have to admit I actually do not have much to talk about in this blog post. I (sadly) did not have any extraordinary awesome shenanigans today.

Except I did almost get killed on the road. And by killed I mean flipped off by people who thought I was beeping at them because they took EIGHTY THOUSAND YEARS to turn into my apartment complex. Except it was not me that beeped the horn. It was my bestie Ashleigh. Because I may or may not have been eating a rootbeer float while driving/slowing down behind this decrepit idiot who waited for like five minutes to finally turn because there cars on the road. And no, the cars were not close.


So yeah. She beeped the horn, and the guy started to go, then saw a car down the road, and stopped again. So she held the horn down.

This kinda ticked me off a little bit.

I, of course protested, to which she replied "Oh please. You know you wanted to do the same thing. I'm your own personal Tyler Durden."

So yeah. Apparently I am a multiple-personality imbued insomniac who enjoys violence and sexing up random people.

Except not really. Because I am totally asexual like that.

Hmmm...OH! I Sir Peen has a mate! Her name is Duchess of Vag. Here, have a picture of the happy couple:

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I cannot believe I almost forgot this POOMSOSA!

This month is celebrity look alike week. Now, I know that I am totally one of a kind and original, but I have to say that I found someone who looks almost exactly like I do.


Celebrity Look Alike

The similarity is striking, no? 

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Beauty should be rated on a scale of One to Vagina

Actual quote from my apartment not two seconds ago:

Tv: "I'm a Christian. I'm a Jew. In case you couldn't tell."


Ashleigh: "Are you laughing about the Jew commercial?"

Me: "What else would I be laughing at?"

I think I might be slightly a terrible person. But, just to clarify, I am not an anti-Semite. I am pro-Semite. It comes with the whole loving Jesus thing, cause He loves everyone, and is also Jewish.

I just think that the term "Jew" is hilarious.


So today has been a very genital-esque day. I never thought I would be able to describe a day in my life with that term, but it is entirely true.
Why has my day been genital-esque, you ask? Do not worry POOMSOSA. I will tell you.
Firstly, I was linked to this site .
Go look. I will wait.


You are not imagining what you just saw. Coincidentally, you cannot un-see that image either. So, I guess sorry about that.

“Each piece is an original, one of a kind hand sculpted image of its owner to remind her that regardless of what the world and the people in it may tell her: she is beautiful.”

“Excuse me sir, can you rate this woman’s beauty on a rank of 1 to Vagina, where 1 is hideous, and vagina is smoking hot?

I think this should be the new Miss America Scale. I think I will be

Also, LOL another conversation from like two seconds ago:

Kristin: “Whatever. You’re a faggot for wanting to get a vagina necklace.”

Amber: “It’s not just any vagina, it’s MY vagina.”

Kristin: “Whatever you perv. What do you do, get down there and take a mold of your vagina.”

Amber: “No. You send them pictures and they design it from that.”

Kristin: “Yeah I bet it is a bunch of perverts looking at vagina pictures.”

Amber: “No. I’m sure it’s a completely respectable establishment.”

Also, try this awesomeness on for size.

Yes. They did. They have a UTERUS PILLOW. Fucking awesome.


“Worried that your uterus is too small? Wow them the next time you go to the gynecologist, be the envy of all of your peers. Why is this Spanish woman so happy? Just look at the size of her uterus! Order now and see instant results! All that and a money back guarantee!”
I gave you a little hint. Just in case.

Okay. So those random, disgusting, and shocking links aside, here are some things that have been happening in my life lately.

A)I bought a new TV! IT is awesome! I love it!
B)I HAVE A NEW PET! His name is Sir Peen. Here is a picture of him:

C)School is still terrible.
D)I need to stop writing this and work on my webcomic.

Right. I think I am done for the day. See you all tomorrow.
Well. I will not really see you because I cannot see through the screen. But whatever.

Monday, February 1, 2010


Okay. So I definitely have a kick ass (in my not so humble opinion) post for you all today, but first I would like to give a giant WARP FACTOR FUCK YOU to online Physics homework.


Okay, now that I have that out of my system, HI POOMSOSA!

Right. So a couple of people have messaged me and asked what POOMSOSA means. This tells me A)That they are not insane enough to go back 39 entries or so and read the first post and B)That they are also not strong/worthy enough to withstand 39 or so entries of my complete and pure awesome. (HINT: The first one is more accurate.)

So here is the definition of POOMSOSA:

POOMSOSA (Noun/Verb/Whatever I want it to be because I am sexy and I Do what I want): People outside of my sphere of social awareness. See: EVERYONE

Mmkay. Yay. That is cleared up now. Maybe I should put the definition on the side of my blog. This is something to ponder as I am lying awake at night.


So after my last blog post, I started thinking about the whole dating thing, and I realized that with the amount of failure I have had in that department (and that is a lot because I have never dated anyone before. I think I am too shy and demure or something...) that I know enough to write a complete guide to getting a boyfriend.

And you, my loyal POOMSOSA people, are going to get a preview of that guide. This I do for you because I am awesome, and I appreciate your attention because I am an attention whore.

Okay. So, here we go.

Excerpt From: "The Complete Idiot's Reject's Woman's Guide to Landing That Special Someone"

"Step One: Find someone you like. Normally, in life, there are about 5 eligible bachelors around, each with a neatly packaged personality. I am including a helpful guide to these five types of men for you, free of charge.

Male A: Really douchey asshole who no one really fucking likes but is really hot, so everyone deals with them for the peen. Which is probably small and way over rated. Probably works in a bar.

Male B: Really shy, nerdy dude who is intelligent and maybe not as attractive as the others, but probably has a large peen and is a gentle, passionate lover. Probably works in a library.

Male C: Fire crotch. Very Fiery tempered red head who probably works on a farm. Probably (see: IS) a furry. Has a heart of gold, and eats way too damn much.

Male D: The chubby food connoisseur. Probably works at a bakery. Chocolate will probably be involved in your love making. May also have a really decrepit grandmother living with him for some reason. 

Male E: One of those flamers who is not really gay. Has strange colored hair, and is more bipolar than a bipolar polar bear (and that is a LOT of polar). Might be a cross dresser. There will be lots of make up sex because you will fight A LOT.

Step 2: Figure out what kind of gifts and hobbies they like/have.
This is very important. I recommend you Google a guide for this specific person. Keep in mind that you will always have a rival, and they will ALWAYS have known each other since birth. IGN is a good place to find guides, BTW.
Food is the way to a man’s heart(attack).  You should definitely make food and bring it over to them a lot. But make sure you make balanced meals because men are like turkeys and get fat really easily. Unless you are a chubby chaser, in which case, FATTEN THAT BITCH UP!
NOTE:  Your chosen male may be creeped out by your constant flow of gifts. He may lock his doors, avoid you, or file a restraining order. DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE AND PREVAIL AT ALL COSTS. Also, make sure you keep a lawyer on retainer, just in case things get heated. Just do not forget that that heat is a sign of the deep love he has for you. FO REAL.
Step 4: Keep a close eye on his heart color.
As your man grows in fondness for you, his heart will change colors. I am including guide below of what the different colors mean:
  • White: Indifferent
  • Blue: FRIEND ZONE  
  • Green: I like you but I will not say anything because I am a macho bastard/too shy.   
  • Yellow: Friends with benefits
Now, I realize that a man’s heart is buried deep within his chest, so these heart colors are impossible to see with the naked eye. So how do you check them? Chloroform and a heart catheter, ladies. Chloroform and a heart catheter. The procedure is actually simple to do, if you bribe a surgeon (or take an online class. That is another option of choice).
IMPORTANT NOTE: Make sure that the yellow you think is yellow heart is a vibrant yellow and not a dull gross yellow. Dull gross yellow means that your man has LOTS OF PLAQUE BUILD UP AND IS ABOUT TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK, in which case you should either A) Alert them B) Trick them into marrying you and then take out a life insurance policy or C) Find another man.
Step 4: Give the pink hearted man a blue feather.
Cultural institutions require that a large blue feather be presented to your lover to request marriage. Normally they sell these at the tool shop, but you can probably find one at Wal-Mart because those bitches have everything.
IF this is not self-explanatory, GTFO my blog.

And there you have it ladies! Five easy steps to landing that special man in your life. All of this should take you about 2 seasons, but if you are really pro you can do it 1 season. If you have any dire questions that are not answered here, you might find a very useful guide here.
Or you can email me. Or Twitter me. Whichever.
Happy man-hunting! "

DISCLAIMER: I may or may not have borrowed all of my man-hunting techniques from Harvest Moon, and you may or may not want to actually try them. The POWER IS YOURS! 

...Okay I am done.