Thursday, August 20, 2009

My job performance is suffering because of raptors. Something is wrong with me.

Okay, so I tend to do strange stuff when I get bored, POOMSOSA.

I think this much is apparent.

Don't look at me like I'm on LSD. I told you I'm not. God. If you say I'm on some other drug, I swear I will cut your head off.

Right, so I didn't have much to do tonight for some reason. It was really strange, and also kind of nice. Carrie took me out to eat, and we went to Walmart to get her a lanyard. This should not have been a hard task, but Carrie may or may not have been acting like a two year old, so yeah. What should have taken us ten minutes tops took forty five. Then again, this could have to do with the fact that FIVE WALMART ASSOCIATES LIED TO ME! Seriously. They told me that the lanyards were in the home section, then the gardening section, then the sports section, and a bunch were too lazy to help me look so they were all "I don't know".

I think that's the reason that they are called ASSociates instead of employees.

Haha jerks. Your employer is mocking you.


So yeah, Forty five minutes later we left Walmart lanyard-less, but I did find a totally rockin' plant for three dollars that I named the Eccentric Emperor Leopold, or EEL for short. Yes, I planned it that way. Represent.

So we get home, and Carrie puts on Across the Universe, and blah blah blah, an hour later I'm bored.

So I'm sitting around Facebook surfing, which is totally NOT the same as Facebook stalking, and I come across something about pirates on my friend Rebecca's profile. Which was ironic because she was actually on her way over at this point to bring Carrie something. Haha. Irony.

I'm not certain that was irony, but roll with it POOMSOSA. Right. So I'm reading about pirates, and then I'm all " Pirates are awesome-- I'm really bored. I should do something all craft like. Oooh! I could go all June Cleaver on those sandwich bags-- RAPTORS ARE AWESOME TOO! OH MY GOD! RAPTOR HAND PUPPETS YES! THIS IS A BITCHIN SWEET IDEA!"

So long story short, I made a raptor handpuppet. He is AWESOME. His name is Fuzzalufagus the Supreme Velociraptor Ruler of All.

Also, I was totally supposed to go to a meeting for my peer leader job, but I got so super distracted by making Fuzzalufagus that I totally forgot. Yeah.

Does referring to your best friend as meat puppet make you a bad person?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I am the Raptor Empress

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, you read the title right. I am the Raptor freaking Empress.

Don't look all skeptical like at the screen. I will totally cut you.

Okay, I will totally metaphorically cut you.

Okay, so here is what down: I had a prophetic dream last night. What was the prophesy of the dream? That I became the Raptor Empress and ruled the world with an iron iron claws.


Okay, okay. I need to describe to you the prophetic dream.

Basically I woke up in this stone room surrounded by people and raptors, and all sorts of creatures like unicorns and dragons, and yeah, it was pretty BA. No freaking lie.

So they're all whispering and looking at me all concerned like when I woke up, so I sit up and I'm all "What are you all looking at? You're a bunch of mythical creatures. Surely there is something more interesting in this room than I am."

Except after I said that I was totally like "Shit, these creatures all used to seeing each other. I'm such an insensitive Biah."

Except before I could say that they started talking to me in some mystical language, and I was like, except it wasn't really that mystical because it sounded like a bunch of clicks and whistles and grunts, so yeah, I was all "Uhh...excuse me, I don't know what click click whistle touch your tongue to your nose means. Can you put that in English por favor."

Which was probably really inconsiderate because I said please in Spanish, and they were already more than confused by my use of English.

But then this big ass Kangaroo thing appeared out of no where and was all like.

"Greetings, Oh Great One"

I don't think I need to tell you that this got my attention pretty quick.

So then the Kangaroo is all like "I know you must be confused, but don't fear. I will teach you everything. We've brought you to this world because you are our only hope,"

At which point I had to interrupt, and I was all "Does this whole being your only hope thing involve effort on my part?"

But the Kangaroo just ignored me and told me I was the Raptor Empress and that I was supposed to defeat the evil Baraccagnoc.

Don't ask me how I know how to spell the name. I just do. It's ingrained in my being. He is my mortal enemy.

Right. So long story short I'm the Raptor Empress, and I'm going to save the world.

The end.

You may bow and exalt now.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

I am NOT Asexual. Myth Busted.

So people have recently been asking me if I'm Asexual.

Okay, they definitely haven't said it that way, but I know people are wondering if I'm attracted to any human beings ever.

They do have good reason to ask this. I don't really go on and on about how attractive guys are or anything like that. This is mostly because I'm terrified that the instant I say anything people are going to be like "OH MY GOD! AMBER HAS A CRUSH ON THIS PERSON!" When I don't. I seriously hate that crap. It is the stuff of my Angermares. If you don't know what an Angermare is, something is wrong with you. True story.

Anyway, the musical is going very well. We lost our first Jesus and got a new one. Wow. That sounds really sacrilegious and terrible. Ahahah. We also got two more guys, Will and Tommie. All three are hilarious and fairly attractive. Wow. I feel really awkward typing about this. Oh well. I have to do this so that people will get the point that I am not Asexual or a lesbian.

No, I really don't like any of them that way. Just saying.

Anyway, the New Jesus, well, he's pretty awesome and funny. Also his name is Lars, which is pretty much automatic win. No joke.

I'm probably a terrible person for thinking this, but I definitely expected the big burly hot lumberjack type guy to come barreling into rehearsal when he started. Then again, I also expected him to have a German accent, carry a gun strapped to his back and wear one of those strips of cloth tied around his forehead with camo pants and a bandolier of bullets across his chest, so my expectations were really high (not to mention highly unrealistic).

Lars looks nothing like this. He's only a little taller than me, and is muscular skinny, and has a mustache thing that he can curl. According to about ten people he looks like a younger John Lennon, but what the hell do I know?

I'm pretty sure every single girl in the history of ever is like "OH MY
GOD LARS" every time they see him, except me. And no, I'm not just talking about girls in the cast. I'm talking about every girl in the history of ever. Seriously.

He is a very lucky man. Or so I'm told.

I say all of this not in ridiculous fan-girly praise of him.

I say it to prove how much of a social idiot I am.

Seriously guys. I don't know any girls who would have an attractive guy come and sit ridiculously close to them and then be all freaked out. I also don't know many girls who would refuse to be part of a massage line with guys in it because they'd have to be touched by people, and one of those people might be a guy.

If you call me a lesbian I swear I'm going to cut your head off.

See, I don't particularly like to be touched, so none of these things appeal to me. I have this severe case of touch-o-phobia, or whatever the hell it's actually called.

I'm also aware that I have to get over this particular quirk if I plan to be in any form of theatre.

Let me just say that since Lars and Tommie made their grand appearances, the cast has been all "Let's play 'How Awkward Can We Make Amber Feel Before She Runs Away Screaming?' It's all the rage with the kids these days."

I would say this is unfortunate, but it's really doing wonders for me with my touch-o-phobia.

Seriously, someone touched me the other day and I didn't try to attack them. It was great fun.

Then there is Tommie, who I'm pretty sure is my favorite male on the entire face of the planet, and that's saying something because I'm supposedly "asexual".

Seriously though. Tommie is pretty much the funniest person I've ever met. He makes me laugh at least a bajillion times at rehearsal everyday, and he's so spontaneous that you never know when to expect it. I'm pretty sure he's going to make me explode my lungs from laughing so much. So yeah, if you hear about my death on the news because of suffocation, you know who to blame.