Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas!

Normal blog titles, I am capable of them! BWAHAH!

Right, so Merry Christmas to whoever reads my drabbles on here. Bwahaha.

Now on to more important matters.

So imagine this, POOMSOSA:

You (and by you I mean me, of course) are creating a profile on MSN. You go to type Velociraptor into your interest box and quickly become enraged that it is not in the Mozilla Firefox auto-correct (MFAC) dictionary. (Side note: This WILL be rectified. I'm sending an email as soon as I'm done with this blog post)

Deciding to be smug and see what inferior term that MFAC suggests to correct the spelling, you right click and find this.

Yes. You read that right. Fucking Velocipedes.

TERROR ENSUES!

Except replace terror with awe and delight and the imaginings of a giant mutant centipede speeding around Earth, at my command, wreaking havoc and stealing candy from small children, and then you have the real picture.

Clearly, I am amused and excited.

Except THEN my jerk bag friend points out that Velocipedes are not centipedes on crack. They are not even MILLIPEDES (psh pansy non-poisonous inferior insects) that are faster than a speeding bullet.

OH no. Nothing that cool. Velocipedes are freaking NINETEENTH CENTURY BICYCLES!


Amber is NOT amused, ladies and gentlemen, not amused at all.

Firstly, whoever named "veloci"pedes CLEARLY knew nothing about the human language. I'm no Lance Armstrong, but I'm pretty sure those "velocipedes" are not fast at all. They look like they would have negative velocity going in the positive x direction.

This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back in time and slap someone with a frozen salmon, and then surprise tracheotomy them while simultaneously destroying their retinas.

AMBER MAD! AMBER SMASH!

Also, if you're looking for a secondly, I can't think of one. My bad.

Okay. Now that I'm off my soapbox, here's some stuff that's actually happening in my life:

1. I decided that I want to go into stem-cell research. Rest assured that you will be hearing about my research into grad schools and articles and stuff as I am amazed. (They already grew a trachea. This could come in handy with the amount of surprise tracheotomies I threaten to give on a daily basis.)

2. My best friend is visiting from California with my other new best friend Meg. YAY!

3. IT'S CHRISTMAS! JESUS WAS BORN TODAY HUZZAH!

Anyway, I think I'm done with this post. Go eat some last minute Christmas cookies and enjoy the rest of your holiday!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Why do you make me judge you America?

Okay. I normally don't have a problem with giant conglomerate corporations. Honestly, they give me cheap stuff to buy, and I am poor, so that's okay with me. When I'm older and have more money and a real job, I will try and buy more expensive stuff that is probably made more ethically.

Whatever.

I can deal with a lot of stuff, but when Walmart starts to discriminate against people, I get ANGRY! And trust me, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry. It's like the Hulk Smash, except ten times less epic and destruction-y.

Right. So the other day I'm chillin' in my local Walmart, and I come upon the hosiery section. If you don't know what that is, use the blatant context clues coming up, or look it up on a dictionary. Okay, so I'm in the hosiery section, and I look down to see "Brown Sugar" pantie hose. So I"m all "Cool. That African American lady looks okay with that remark, and I'm okay with it. OOH! I wonder what they call white people pantie hose, or Mexican pantie hose, or Native American, or Asian. This is a whole new world for me. I'm excited."

So I looked around. And all they had were these pantie hose called "Leggs" and some other generic kind and "Brown Sugar". That's it.

What.The Hell.

Where are the White Sugar, Caramel Lovin', and Maize Delight brands?

I AM OFFENDED THAT THEY ARE NOT OFFENDING ME WITH THEIR RACIALLY INSENSITIVE REMARKS!

Honestly, if you're going to be racist, Walmart, you need to offend everyone equally. I mean, hell, you're being racist in your racism. That's totally NOT CLASSY.

Grr.

OH! And then!

AND THEN

I see this article about a golden ratio for beauty.

What the hell is that all about? I mean seriously. You expect me to measure my face to see if it has the correct measurements to be mathematically and scientifically beautiful.

I can just imagine what trend this is going to set off. Pretty soon plastic surgeons are going to learn how to make people's eyes closer together, and their faces shorter, and people are going to be like

"OMG GAIS I AM SO PRETTY!" when really they're going to look like effed up goldfish.

Then people are going to start majoring in "Facial Beauty Science", and they'll have text books about how to beautiful, and pretty soon everyone is a clone of Shania Twain, and I'll refuse to get the surgery and these crazy ass surgeons will be all "CONFORM! ALL OF AMERICA MUST BE BEAUTIFUL!!!!" and then I'll be all "FUCK THAT! I AM BEAUTIFUL YOU JERKS!" and I'd be running all over the place dodging crazy people with over sized scalpels. But it'll be okay because I'm the freaking Raptor Empress, so I'll just sick my raptors on them, and there will be an epic battle, and I will win......

OH my God. This sounds like Inuyasha!!!

Just kidding. This is a much better plot than Inuyasha.

FJDSKLFJDLAS

And they also made a GREY'S ANATOMY video game for the Wii. WHAT THE HELL?!?

It's time for some Retina Stabbing.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

OH MY GOD NOVEMBER DISAPPEAREDEDEDED

....and by "disappearedededed" I really mean "disappeared" which really means that I was lazy/ busy with school/ in an insane asylum/ many other things and didn't post. My bad. I might actually get serious about blogging now, though, POOMSOSA--

HEY! Don't roll your eyes at me and think that this is the same old song and dance that you've heard before(even though it totally is). I will stab you. In the retina.

That's right. RETINA.STABBING.

I've moved up in the world.

Okay. So, in light of the fact that I went all narcoleptic-y for the ENTIRE MONTH OF NOVEMBER (and most of October, shut up conscience they didn't need to know that), I've decided to give you a little re-cap of what's been going on in my life. (It's totally not even a re-cap though because you haven't even had the cap...cap? I don't know how this works. Whatever. I'm moving on.)

TOP TEN CRAZY THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED IN AMBER'S LIFE (KIND-OF)RECENTLY

1. CORN BECAME A SENTIENT BEING. I hate to say I told you so, but I TOLD YOU SO!

2.My sister turned into a unicorn. Seriously, I have proofs. Here is your PIC OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN:

3. I became the newest Picasso and met a killer Penguin.

4. I found out that my mom is REALLY A FOUR YEAR OLD IN A THIRTY NINE YEAR OLD'S BODY!!!!!!

5. Walmart came out with a new, yet discreet, line of expensive polyester hand bags. AKA they are more over-priced now. Hurray!

6. HITLER Conquered the Smiley Face!!!!!!!

7. I judged the world to be at a NEW ALL TIME LOW!

8. Walmart ran out of Eggo Waffles. How does that even happen?

9. An I-Hop waiter gave me and my friends LEMONS AND SANS-LEMONS!

10. And last, but CERTAINLY NOT LEAST *Drum roll*:

Tiger Woods is going to play The Grinch in a new Christmas movie***


***This is not confirmed in any way possible.


So yeah, that's my life in a nutshell over the past couple of months. Hopefully I'll get back to actually posting.

Why the hell do you suddenly have two blogs?

Well, that's a good question. In light of recent..."developments" in my life,I have decided that ignoring my intellect and acting like a completely insane and sarcastic ass all the time is probably not a good idea.

THEREFORE! I have decided to have two blogs: One blog where I rant about random stuff, one that is SPECIFICALLY NOT PG RATED!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- IMPORTANT SHIT

^
|

IMPORTANT SHIT!

Oh,and then the other one is going to be me actually talking about stuff in the world that I read about, and care enough about to share my opinion on. It will be full of humor and wit (hopefully), but will have actual sentiment. Hopefully.

Okay. I'm off to actually write something for the first time in months.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Well of course not



Well, of course not.

Honestly.If I were a ninja I wouldn't be able to be found on the internet either people. The entire premise of being a ninja is that you are stealthy enough to kill people and not get killed yourself. It isn't like we're talking about James Bond or something.

So I don't really have much to talk about in this blog post. I just thought that the fact that www.iamaninja.com cannot be found was ironic.

In other news, I REALLY want an adorable Raptor plushie/stuffed animal. And yes, it has to be ADORABLE. If I can't find an adorable Raptor plushie/stuffed animal, I will settle for a similar looking dinosaur.

Also, T-Rex babies are freaking adorable. They would be acceptable too.


WANT!

To end this post, I'm going to leave you all with a list of words I think are bad ass:

Lipid
Rancid
Shenanigans
Tracheotomy
Ligand
Cupric
Ephemeral
Bamboozled
Mongoloid
Zimbabwean
Affidavit

There are probably more,but I can't really think because it feels like someone is pouring acid down my throat.

If you even think about arguing with me about how that was a ridiculous statement because my throat and my capacity to think are not connected, I will cut your head off.

AH! I went so many posts without threatening to cut your heads off too, POOMSOSA. Why do you make me theoretically hurt you?

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Tortilla Chips Are LIARS!



First of all: HOLY SHIT! THIS IS THE MOST AWESOME CAR I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE I WAAAAAAAAANT IT!
Okay, now that my fangirl urges are over, let's talk about life.

As most of you do not know, I have a SECRET FAMILY RECIPE for salsa--- I need to interrupt myself here and say that there is definitely something very wrong with me because I just got upset that a talking golden retriever didn't come bounding into the room when I typed SECRET FAMILY RECIPE. Or is it TV's fault for conditioning me to think that all Golden Retrievers can A) Talk and B) Plot to steal my SECRET FAMILY RECIPE. Damn, it didn't work again. I'm like Pavlov's dogs except I'm not a dog, and TV isn't a sentient being masterminding an experiment.

Or is it? AHHHHHHH! WHAT IF TV IS CONTROLLING MY ANDROID FRIENDS? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I think I need medicine. Right. Now that I'm done hyperventilating, I have serious business to talk about.

I am taking Tia Rosa Tortilla chips to court. Well, I don't actually have a lawsuit filed or anything, but its coming soon. Why am I doing this?

EXHIBIT A:



Seriously Tia Rosa, "Tradition you can taste"?

You can't taste tradition. At all. And don't tell me you can, POOMSOSA.

Tradition is a noun, and you can't taste nouns. Morons. FJKLDSAJFLKSAD

I HATE LIARS!

Tradition you can taste....

I call shenanigans. And a lawyer.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

This is why people think I am insane/on drugs.

So I have time in between my classes, and I decided to write a blog post.

Hurray!

Okay, so recently there has been an increase in the number of people who ask me if I am on drugs or insane.

While I don't object to being asked if I'm insane, I do mind being asked if I'm on drugs. Mostly because, you know, I'm NOT on drugs.

Right. In lieu of this sudden influx of "are you on drugs kthxbai" questions, I decided that maybe there might be a reason everyone thinks I'm on drugs.

HELL YEAH SUPER HAPPY SHERLOCK HOLMES INVESTIGATION TIME! (I totally just yelled that out loud and got a bunch of really weird looks.

......Reason number one everyone thinks I'm on drugs: I yell random things that I think in public. Also, I spontaneously burst into laughter at inappropriate moments.

Right, so in this HYSHSHIT (LOL IT ENDS IN SHIT! IF YOU PRONOUNCE IT THE WAY I DO IN MY HEAD IT SOUNDS LIKE HIESH SHIT! HAHAHHAHAHAH! I AM IN MIDDLE SCHOOL LOL POOP JOKES!) I swear to God I didn't plan that acronym out...

OKAY! So in this HYSHSHIT (*giggle), I've discovered that I am pretty much the most drugged up person not on drugs I know.

Why? Here, I'll give you some examples in case any of you POOMSOSA have never personally talked to me:

Example Uno: My current status on Facebook

" Amber Deschamps R IS FOR RAPTOR CHILDREN! RAARRRRARARARARRRRAAAAARRRRRRRRR! *raptor noises*"

Subsequent comment conversation on said status:

KRB:I don't even want to know.

Amber (AKA ME):Yes you do. Also, I want a pet dinosaur.

KRB: Too bad.

Amber: You're mean! Just wait until I perfect cloning! I WILL BE NOT ONLY THE RAPTOR EMPRESS, BUT THE DINOSAUR OVERLORD! MWAHAH!! IT WILL BE LIKE T-REX CITY IN YOUR ROOM! RARARARARAAAARARAAAR *raptor noises*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/\~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DUNANAHNAH ~~(vvvv)~~~ JAWS BITCH!

......Right.


Example two: My way of consoling/offering help to the sick

Amber: Oh no. How are you feeling?

Christa: lol not good

Amber: I'm sorry :( IS there anything I can do? I can totally make microscopic missiles to attack the germs that are making you sick.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Example three: A text message conversation I had:

Random number that texted me: Thank you

Me: WHO IS THIS? ARE YOU STALKING ME? I WARN YOU I HAVE GUARD RAPTORS! THIS IS A COMPLETELY TRUE STORY!

Random Number that texted me: nice... This is lars....

~~~~~~~ <(x.x)> ~~~~~~~~~~ DROWNED KIRBY!

Yeah. I'm sure there are a bunch more examples out there, but I'm tired of giving them, so I'm done.


PEACE LOVE AND RAPTORS!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Mother Nature is a Pervert

So apparently you should not do this.

Go ahead, read it. It's AWESOME.


....


HOLY SHIT!

I can't even imagine having a PLASTIC OBJECT EMBEDDED IN MY FREAKING LUNG. I mean, how do you even inhale something that big? Wouldn't it like, slice your lung or something?

I mean, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that lung tissue is not, you know, made of STEEL or anything. I'm pretty sure it's all soft and fleshy, and tissue-y and stuff.

But I'm not expert.

And then! AND THEN! OH MY GOD! THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS FIGHT THE MAN, RIGHT FREAKING HERE: "'One doctor said they could remove my lung,' Manley said. 'I said no way. That was the easiest way for them, and I said I didn't think so.'"

See, this is how that conversation would have gone with me:

Me: "Seriously guys? Remove my lung that is mostly functioning instead of just removing the foreign object cause you don't really know how to do it? No way!"

Doctor: "I understand your anxiety, but this is a very delicate situation. Removing the entire lung would be a much easier alternative for us..."

Me: "Easier for you? What about you know, the FACT THAT I HAVE TO BREATHE?!"

Doctor: "Here. Let's cut a deal. You let us take your lung out because it is easier, and we'll let you keep it in a jar. We'll even put some of those googly eyes on it. You can keep it as a pet."

Me: "Can you give it raptor teeth?"

Doctor: "Yep."

ME:"DEAL! Let's do it!"


So God bless you, sir, for not letting them make a googly eyed raptor out of your lung.



So moral of the story: I'm not very good at fighting the man when it comes to raptors.


Hahah.

Right, so actual stuff that happened in my life.

This morning, in my Ecology class, my mild mannered professor decided to teach us about strange flowers.

I'm not going to lie, I wasn't really paying complete attention. I was trying to set the blinds on fire with my mind.

If you say that I'm insane, I swear I will cut your head off.

Right. So back to the part I'm not paying attention.

So I'm not paying attention, until all the sudden my peripheral hearing picks up on this gem:

"So this flower's common name is the Giant Penis flower.... Yeah, I know sorry.... Oh, and it smells rank too... The little girl in the picture is even holding her nose!"

I don't think you can imagine how awkward the room got right then.

Hell, I don't think I can imagine how awkward it got in the room, and I was there.


I think we should pair it with this flower thing. Then it'd be a party.

You can't tell me that Mother Nature isn't a pervert.

Oh, comments are highly appreciate, by the way.

Monday, September 21, 2009

JFDSKALJFLSABLARGL ANDROIDS ARE TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!

So I'm sitting in class right now. Yes, yes. I know. I should be paying attention.

Honestly, I don't think I could care any less about the class I'm in right right now if I tried. I really am kind of paying

OH MY GOD!

Professor: What was that phrase that uh... that President Clinton used alot?
Me: I did not have sex with that woman!

That was not the answer he was looking for. I may or may not have been glared at.

Right. So I've recently been catching up on different webcomics that I kind of knew existed but didn't really have enough energy/ un-laziness to go read them. One of these comics is XKCD.

Now, as an intelligent human being, I know that most of the situations portrayed in these comics are not plausible at all. Unfortunately, one of these comics has made me question my assumptions of the world, universe, and everything.

Go ahead, read it. I'll be doing something completely unrelated to this blog while you do.

....

Now, POOMSOSA, I know that you know that Susan knows that I know that Barbara knows that.... Wow I'm a terrible gossiper. I have no idea what's going on right now.

Okay, so I know that you all know that I have some semblance of intelligence. I originally freaked out about this comic, then I got over it. And all was well.

MISTAKE! ABORT MISSION!

I was merely in the eye of the storm.

I swear to God, that this is an actual situation and conversation that I just had with a "friend" on Facebook/Meebo FB chat:

Amber: I only like talking about things that have to do with me! SUPER EGO!!!!

Kris: Narcissistic tendencies much? O.o

Amber:lol No, not at all.

Kris: Got something really ugly? Put it in the Gallery of the Utterly Ugly to enter to win the gorgeous, sleek, and fashionable new LG Bliss.
facebooklink.com

Amber: ...............What the hell?
OH GOD! You're a ROBOT! I KNEW IT

Kris: Its from an ad on my facebook page. There's a picture of a really ugly cat beside it.

Amber:I don't believe you!!!!!!

Kris: If I were a robot, I'd have super strength.....and a shiny metal ass

Amber: http://bit.ly/1628nB
QUICKLY! RESPOND TO THIS CAPTCHA SO I CAN CONFIRM YOUR IDENTITY

Kris: You dieded

Amber:I died?How did I die?

Kris: No, dieded

Amber:WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!?!?!>>

Kris:Facebook said you did anyway

Amber: I think you're secretly a bot.

Kris:You have no proof to back up this claim
:P mwuhaha

Amber:: Did you go to my captcha?

Kris:(UnsortedList)
bool IsEmpty(UnsortedList)
void InitializeList(UnsortedList&)
int main () {
UnsortedList list1

Damn and blast
stupid programming haha

Amber: ............ I'm defriending you now.
you now*
Freaking keyboard and it's sticky keys.

Kris: O.o But then I'd be lonely...

Amber:I'm sure you have other computer programs you can talk to Gollum Bot

Kris:Most of them only speak Binary though And they're all boring

Amber:001 10100010 Lol
I don't know binary

Kris: Its not all that hard, its just long and annoying to say anything in

Amber:Well that sucks.I can see why you computer bots want to branch out and......
Holy shit. You're an android. You computer programs somehow managed to create a humanoid body and upload your programming to it.
AHHHHHHHHH

Kris:In order to protect my secrets I may have to end your life.....

Amber:Bring it on. I'll turn you into a pile of silicone and wiring rubble.
And not in the good way either.

Kris:What makes you think there's only one version of me?

Amber:.......OH dear God.
Excuse me while I hyperventilate.

Friday, September 18, 2009

I don't want to be an amputee, but if I have to be I want to be a complete BAMF like this guy.

OH MY GAWD.

So I decided to make a trip home this weekend, and I made it all safe. Except for this random truck that almost hit me even though I had my blinker on for ten years before I actually turned.

Asshole.

Right. So I came home, an my cousin is looking at all these tattoos, so I start looking at some to help him find a bad ass tattoo, and I FOUND THE FUNNIEST/COOLEST TATTOO EVER!

BAMF TATTOO!


HE HAS AN EFFING SHARK TATTOO ON HIS AMPUTEE NUB! WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT!

I am in complete and total awe right now. I don't even think you know.

I can't even IMAGINE having a tattoo as bad ass as that.

Also, that man is a genius. Because he kinda looks like a guy who goes to bars and parties a lot. And imagine if he got drunk and got into a fight with something, or like some gang member had to kill someone in that bar to be initiated. Normally you would go for the weakest link in the bar, and umm.. yeah, if you're gonna go after a bunch of drunk people in a bar, the less arms the better.

So he's all at a disadvantage because he has one arm. So the gangster is all "I'm gonna bust a cap! YEAH YEAH!" and all walks over there and BAM! SHARK NUB! The gangster is so impressed and afraid that he runs the hell away.

If I am ever an amputee, I'm getting a tattoo exactly like that. Nothing could be better.


.....

HOLY.EFFING.SHIT

RAPTORS!

RAPTOR AMPUTEE TATTOO!


FKSDLJLKSDJFSDSAGARBL!


YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!


Excuse me while I go cut off my arm.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Facebook made my Chinese roomate think I'm a serial killer.

So here is the deal: I suck at updating.

Now that we have that out of the way, I have important stuff to talk about.

Okay, the importance of what I'm about to say is debatable, but whatever. Semantics, my dear Watson.

Right. So I've been crazy busy doing stuff for the past ten years. And by ten years, I mean however long it's been since I updated.

School started, and with it came a bunch of responsibilities.

Did I tell any of you how the university let me be responsible for a bunch of impressionable freshmen?

.... I'll take that outraged look as a no.

That's right POOMSOSA, I'm influencing freshmen. BWAHAH. So far I haven't done anything too insane. Except maybe told one of them that a raptor would eat them if they didn't study. Surprisingly enough, they didn't believe me. 19 year olds are not as impressionable as six year olds. Who would have guessed.

Right.

I'm also teaching a section of the freshmen Biology lab again this year.

OH MY GOD! POOMSOSA!

One of my students told me that some former students called me a really mean and hard TA.

I AM SO EFFING HAPPY!

....Right. So my iPod is on shuffle, and a song called Knife Fight just came one. Some of the lyrics, I kid you not, are: "I'm gonna cut you, swish swish swish.... I'm gonna make you bleed copious amounts." I think I just found a new theme song for life.

Okay. Okay. There's so much I need to get across in this post! GAH!

So the basic point of all my rambling is that I have three jobs and classes and I'm in another show this semester. Hurray! I love being busy.

Okay. So Eric just walked into my house yelling "Don't be naked!" LOL Gay guys. Most of my friends would probably walk in yelling "PLEASE BE NAKED."

Just kidding guys, if you actually do that I will cut your head off.

Alright, so another random thing happened in my life: I got a Chinese roomate who is actually FROM CHINA.

At first I was like "Oh God. A roomate I don't know."

Then I got glared at by a bunch of my friends and people I know because I'm Christian and I'm supposed to give everyone a chance and love them (but I don't actually have to like them, so it's totally okay. Haha JK Jesus, please don't smite me).

Okay I probably shouldn't say JK to Jesus....

Right. Chinese roomate.

So yeah, I ended up accepting her and being like "HELL YEAH! I get to learn stuff about a new culture! THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME!"

And is it?

NO! Wendy NEVER comes out of her room, and she doesn't speak English very well. I really want to get to know her better, for serious, but I think she's scared of me or something, though I can't imagine why. ......

Okay maybe I can, but I try really really really hard not to scare her.

Oka... there was this one time she walked in when I was in the middle of screaming at my new computer because Facebook was being retarded and kept interrupting me typing in another window every time someone messaged me, and that might have scared her, but it WAS NOT MY FAULT. Facebook was being EFFTARDED and kept interrupting me! GAH! How was I supposed to know she was going to walk in at that moment?

Hell, does that weird Facebook thing happen to anyone else? Because it really pisses me off. Cause I talk to like, a thousand people at once, so they're constantly messaging me.

And this time that Wendy walked in, I was trying to write a really important email and every ten seconds people would message me and make me have to click the Facebook tab and then click back to the email, which normally isn't so bad, but when you have to do it every nano second you kinda get upset and the next thing you know you're screaming "I WILL CUT YOUR FINGERS OFF AND FEED THEM TO A DEAD PORCUPINE IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE HELL UP AND STOP MESSAGING ME!" at your computer, and then your Chinese roomate walks in and looks at you like you're a monster and never speaks to you again.

God. Facebook RUINS EVERYTHING.

P.S. Roomate is totally a word. Suck my left toe Blogspot spell checker.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

My job performance is suffering because of raptors. Something is wrong with me.

Okay, so I tend to do strange stuff when I get bored, POOMSOSA.

I think this much is apparent.

Don't look at me like I'm on LSD. I told you I'm not. God. If you say I'm on some other drug, I swear I will cut your head off.

Right, so I didn't have much to do tonight for some reason. It was really strange, and also kind of nice. Carrie took me out to eat, and we went to Walmart to get her a lanyard. This should not have been a hard task, but Carrie may or may not have been acting like a two year old, so yeah. What should have taken us ten minutes tops took forty five. Then again, this could have to do with the fact that FIVE WALMART ASSOCIATES LIED TO ME! Seriously. They told me that the lanyards were in the home section, then the gardening section, then the sports section, and a bunch were too lazy to help me look so they were all "I don't know".

I think that's the reason that they are called ASSociates instead of employees.

Haha jerks. Your employer is mocking you.

.....Right.

So yeah, Forty five minutes later we left Walmart lanyard-less, but I did find a totally rockin' plant for three dollars that I named the Eccentric Emperor Leopold, or EEL for short. Yes, I planned it that way. Represent.

So we get home, and Carrie puts on Across the Universe, and blah blah blah, an hour later I'm bored.

So I'm sitting around Facebook surfing, which is totally NOT the same as Facebook stalking, and I come across something about pirates on my friend Rebecca's profile. Which was ironic because she was actually on her way over at this point to bring Carrie something. Haha. Irony.

I'm not certain that was irony, but roll with it POOMSOSA. Right. So I'm reading about pirates, and then I'm all " Pirates are awesome-- I'm really bored. I should do something all craft like. Oooh! I could go all June Cleaver on those sandwich bags-- RAPTORS ARE AWESOME TOO! OH MY GOD! RAPTOR HAND PUPPETS YES! THIS IS A BITCHIN SWEET IDEA!"

So long story short, I made a raptor handpuppet. He is AWESOME. His name is Fuzzalufagus the Supreme Velociraptor Ruler of All.

Also, I was totally supposed to go to a meeting for my peer leader job, but I got so super distracted by making Fuzzalufagus that I totally forgot. Yeah.

Does referring to your best friend as meat puppet make you a bad person?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I am the Raptor Empress

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, you read the title right. I am the Raptor freaking Empress.

Don't look all skeptical like at the screen. I will totally cut you.

Okay, I will totally metaphorically cut you.

Okay, so here is what down: I had a prophetic dream last night. What was the prophesy of the dream? That I became the Raptor Empress and ruled the world with an iron fist...er.... iron claws.


AHHHHH! I'm SO EXCITED FOR THE FUTURE!

Okay, okay. I need to describe to you the prophetic dream.

Basically I woke up in this stone room surrounded by people and raptors, and all sorts of creatures like unicorns and dragons, and yeah, it was pretty BA. No freaking lie.

So they're all whispering and looking at me all concerned like when I woke up, so I sit up and I'm all "What are you all looking at? You're a bunch of mythical creatures. Surely there is something more interesting in this room than I am."

Except after I said that I was totally like "Shit, these creatures all used to seeing each other. I'm such an insensitive Biah."

Except before I could say that they started talking to me in some mystical language, and I was like, except it wasn't really that mystical because it sounded like a bunch of clicks and whistles and grunts, so yeah, I was all "Uhh...excuse me, I don't know what click click whistle touch your tongue to your nose means. Can you put that in English por favor."

Which was probably really inconsiderate because I said please in Spanish, and they were already more than confused by my use of English.

But then this big ass Kangaroo thing appeared out of no where and was all like.

"Greetings, Oh Great One"

I don't think I need to tell you that this got my attention pretty quick.

So then the Kangaroo is all like "I know you must be confused, but don't fear. I will teach you everything. We've brought you to this world because you are our only hope,"

At which point I had to interrupt, and I was all "Does this whole being your only hope thing involve effort on my part?"

But the Kangaroo just ignored me and told me I was the Raptor Empress and that I was supposed to defeat the evil Baraccagnoc.

Don't ask me how I know how to spell the name. I just do. It's ingrained in my being. He is my mortal enemy.

Right. So long story short I'm the Raptor Empress, and I'm going to save the world.

The end.

You may bow and exalt now.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

I am NOT Asexual. Myth Busted.

So people have recently been asking me if I'm Asexual.

Okay, they definitely haven't said it that way, but I know people are wondering if I'm attracted to any human beings ever.

They do have good reason to ask this. I don't really go on and on about how attractive guys are or anything like that. This is mostly because I'm terrified that the instant I say anything people are going to be like "OH MY GOD! AMBER HAS A CRUSH ON THIS PERSON!" When I don't. I seriously hate that crap. It is the stuff of my Angermares. If you don't know what an Angermare is, something is wrong with you. True story.

Anyway, the musical is going very well. We lost our first Jesus and got a new one. Wow. That sounds really sacrilegious and terrible. Ahahah. We also got two more guys, Will and Tommie. All three are hilarious and fairly attractive. Wow. I feel really awkward typing about this. Oh well. I have to do this so that people will get the point that I am not Asexual or a lesbian.

No, I really don't like any of them that way. Just saying.


Anyway, the New Jesus, well, he's pretty awesome and funny. Also his name is Lars, which is pretty much automatic win. No joke.

I'm probably a terrible person for thinking this, but I definitely expected the big burly hot lumberjack type guy to come barreling into rehearsal when he started. Then again, I also expected him to have a German accent, carry a gun strapped to his back and wear one of those strips of cloth tied around his forehead with camo pants and a bandolier of bullets across his chest, so my expectations were really high (not to mention highly unrealistic).

Lars looks nothing like this. He's only a little taller than me, and is muscular skinny, and has a mustache thing that he can curl. According to about ten people he looks like a younger John Lennon, but what the hell do I know?

I'm pretty sure every single girl in the history of ever is like "OH MY
GOD LARS" every time they see him, except me. And no, I'm not just talking about girls in the cast. I'm talking about every girl in the history of ever. Seriously.

He is a very lucky man. Or so I'm told.

I say all of this not in ridiculous fan-girly praise of him.

I say it to prove how much of a social idiot I am.

Seriously guys. I don't know any girls who would have an attractive guy come and sit ridiculously close to them and then be all freaked out. I also don't know many girls who would refuse to be part of a massage line with guys in it because they'd have to be touched by people, and one of those people might be a guy.

If you call me a lesbian I swear I'm going to cut your head off.

See, I don't particularly like to be touched, so none of these things appeal to me. I have this severe case of touch-o-phobia, or whatever the hell it's actually called.

I'm also aware that I have to get over this particular quirk if I plan to be in any form of theatre.

Let me just say that since Lars and Tommie made their grand appearances, the cast has been all "Let's play 'How Awkward Can We Make Amber Feel Before She Runs Away Screaming?' It's all the rage with the kids these days."

I would say this is unfortunate, but it's really doing wonders for me with my touch-o-phobia.

Seriously, someone touched me the other day and I didn't try to attack them. It was great fun.

Then there is Tommie, who I'm pretty sure is my favorite male on the entire face of the planet, and that's saying something because I'm supposedly "asexual".

Seriously though. Tommie is pretty much the funniest person I've ever met. He makes me laugh at least a bajillion times at rehearsal everyday, and he's so spontaneous that you never know when to expect it. I'm pretty sure he's going to make me explode my lungs from laughing so much. So yeah, if you hear about my death on the news because of suffocation, you know who to blame.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I need to update this blog. Badly. Updates are coming, as soon as I have room to breathe.

Shut the hell up, I know that I'm actually breathing because I'm not dead.

I'll update as soon as I can.

Also, I probably shouldn't tell any readers I have to shut the hell up. I hear it is bad form.

More to come on this later.

Friday, July 10, 2009

My car had a midlife crisis and so can you!

So my car broke down yesterday.

I know, I know. I accept your gratuitous and completely unnecessary apologies because they are a form of attention, but don't grovel too long, POOMSOSA, I have important shit to tell you guys about.

Except by important I mean ridiculous and frivolous.

You know what a really cool word is? Frivolity. Seriously, say it a few times. It'll put a smile on your face.

.....

I really need to stop getting distracted by random carp.... I totally just meant to type crap. I think that typo is funny so I'm leaving it there. Yeah.

Okay, so my car broke down on the way to musical rehearsal yesterday. In the middle of no where. Near Sunset. In Texas. Also, I had three other people in the car.

YAY ADVENTURES!

So this is how it went down. I have Matt, Carrie and Ashleigh in the car with me, and we're cruising along. I'm passing people, people are passing me. Old people are smiling pleasantly and waving from the porches on their farm houses. Okay, I made that last part up, but we'll just say I'm taking artistic license with reality. My car is having absolutely no problem.... UNTIL THERE IS AN EIGHTEEN WHEELER BEHIND ME AND TO MY RIGHT SO I CAN'T REALLY GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT FEAR OF DYING.

I'm not even making this shit up, guys. It's like we were cruising along and my van decided to have a midlife crisis when faced with bigger vehicles than it. Seriously. The trucks are all "I AM A HUGE HUNK OF METAL AND DEATH AND I AM GOING EIGHTY AROUND YOU!"

and my van is all "HAHA BITCHES I CAN KEEP UP! OH WAIT NO I CAN'T BECAUSE I AM SUFFERING AN IDENTITY CRISIS AND FORGOT I WAS A VEHICLE FULLY CAPABLE OF GOING EIGHTY, SO I AM GOING TO DEVOLVE INTO A SNAIL OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT BECAUSE THEY ARE REALLY BAD AT ACCELERATING AND NOT DYING!"

AKA I tried accelerating to not die via eighteen wheeler, and my van SLOWED DOWN, which is not the point of stepping on the gas pedal.

Luckily I am intelligent (read: this shit has happened to me before), so I immediately put my flashers on so the truck behind me would BACK THE HELL OFF slow down(seriously, he was tailgating the crap out of me. Except his truck was so big that it was more like he was top of the van gating me. If you just thought "top of the morning to ye" you are a BA because I totally thought the same thing. Go us). Luckily he did, and the truck on the side of me took off like a rocket, and I somehow maneuvered my car to the side of the highway even though my rear view mirror also fell off, so I couldn't really see behind me unless I was looking in the side mirrors.

So yeah. I'm on the side of the road. In the middle of no where. Okay, I was only like 10 minutes or so from Sweetwater, but who's counting?

So basically I called Triple A, and they were all "We're sending someone to come tow your van to Sweetwater. They should be there in about 40 minutes " and I was all "Okay awesome."

Except they only take two people in the two trucks because the cab in them is really tiny, so the musical director was a complete bad ass (aka awesome person of wonders) and came and picked Carrie and Matt up. She also let me tow the van to her parents shop.

So Ashleigh and I are sitting on the side of the road in eleventy billion degree weather because Texas has to be an asshole and be really hot all the time in summer (which probably shouldn't come as a surprise for me because I've lived here my entire life) and we're all "Wow. It's really hot."

Luckily I had a 36 pack of water in the back of my van for no apparent reason. I also had soup and bunch of other random food items, a chair, a lap desk, a table, and a trunk. So if we would have been stranded for real we could have gone all MacGuyver and not died. Go me.

Anyway, I got the bright idea to take some pictures because I figured the blog could use some visual stimulation other than black and white text.

To make a much longer story shorter, the tow truck showed up about an hour later than it was supposed to, and the driver (Billy) talked about fishing the whole way back. It was awesome because I actually knew what I was talking about, and Ashleigh was sitting next to me with this "WTF how do you know anything about fishing" look on her face. And I was all "Bitch I lived in a small town of course I know how to fish. It's Texas law. Represent."

Except not really because I was too busy discussing the fine points of catching flatheads and bluecats. Hell yeah.

Luckily I'm safe and sound at home (and I even made it to rehearsal and back), and the musical director's, step-father's mechanic for their tire shop looked at my van and said it was just the alternator, so I don't have to get a new car yet.


On a side note: I'm sorry I don't update this blog as much as I used to. Musical rehearsal started, so I'm busy with that and work and research. Also, my computer got a Trojan last week, and I only just now got rid of it.

Does anyone else find it ironic that Trojan's are the bane of computer existence, but they keep people from having babies all the time?

Sunday, July 5, 2009

I am a liar, but at least I am providing a public service.

Yes, I am a liar.

I figured I might want to clear the air with that before I wrote an actual post.

I am fully aware I said I was going to post Monday, Wednesday and Friday of every week. I am fully aware that I lied about this.

It happens.

I also get easily distracted by lots of things.

Moving on:

WHAT THE HELL IS WITH ALL THIS MICHAEL JACKSON CRAP?!?!?!

I understand he died. Yes. It's sad. Boo hoo.

Now that we have that moment over, I'd like to ask everyone to GET OVER IT!

If I hear one more cry of "MJ COME BACK TO US BAAAAAAAAAAAAW" or another utterance of "MJ isn't really dead. He's with Elvis", I think I might give myself a surprise tracheotomy.

Except I don't know how it would be a surprise, considering I would know I was doing it. Well, it could be a surprise if I suddenly gained a split personality and had my other self stab this self in the trachea.

I am thinking too much into this matter.

Seriously, everyone, calm the hell down about MJ. There is a whole bunch of other stuff going on in the world besides his death. Seriously guys. Iran is still there. Their problems didn't just go away because Michael Jackson died. Let's get back to the issues of the world. It's not like his death should blind us from that fact.

.....

Oh my God.

This is all a plot to make Americans unaware of world matters. Seriously. That's why Michael Jackson is "dead". He was like, 500 bajilion dollars in debt when he died. I bet you the government paid him to die and cause a huge media frenzy on EVERY TV SHOW EVER so we would forget about everything else in the world! And then he would be out of debt and Obama could be all "anti-christ" and do whatever he wants! YAH!

.....

I hope you all realize how retarded that sounds. Consider this post a public service to the world. I know, I'm too kind.

Feel free to shower me with praise.

Friday, June 26, 2009

The biggest difference between my little sister and Shakespeare is that one of them doesn't actually commit violent acts.

My school's theatre department puts on a Shakespearean play every summer. This summer production was the first part of Henry IV. Normally I don't like Shakespeare so much, but I decided to go anyway.

Do you know what is totally hot?

Sword fighting-- especially when it's two guys in olden times armor battling it out Mano-e-Mano.

I promise this is not another one of my insane tangents about possum human breeding or the Amish country.

So I'm sitting in the theatre with Ashleigh, Josh and Jared, and I'm kind of nervous that I'm going to do that thing where get bored and start narrating the show in my head in strange ways, except I end up narrating out loud without realizing it. Then everyone hates me and thinks I'm crazy because my narration usually includes talking bears and salmon warfare. This is a lose lose situation.

Okay, so I'm sitting there and the lights go off and I'm expecting someone to come out and start giving a soliloquy or something, and suddenly this music is all "RAAAAAAAAAR I AM MUSIC, AND I AM LOUD IN YOUR EAR DRUM! BEWARE CEREBELLUM!" and a bunch of men start screaming and run on the stage and start hacking at each other with swords and axes and shields, and I'm just sitting there with this giant demonic fan-girl smile on my face because they are not only sword fighting, but they are in olden times clothing.

I seriously almost yelled FUCK YEAH SEAKING!, but I'm pretty sure I would have gotten kicked out of the theatre because A) It's rude to shout during a performance and B) I go to a Christian university. I refrained mostly because I wanted to see more hot sword fighting.

So then a bunch of other stuff happened, and then more stuff happened, and then there an intermission where I dropped The People's Elbow on this one girl waiting in line for the bathroom because I'm hardcore.

Okay, what actually happened is that I was walking with Ashleigh to the bathroom and saw a teacher I knew and waved. Except replace waved with "wasn't really paying attention and ran into two girls and elbowed one of them really hard in the crook of their neck and knocked the other one over".

Right, so we went back in the theatre and the second act started. Some shit went down, then there was more fighting.

I have to put my foot down on this fighting sequence, POOMSOSA. One of the guys fighting had a definite advantage because he was Asian. Seriously, he like WALL JUMPED during one of the fights.

At this point I wanted to shout "SHENANIGANS! You are not Mario, you do not have the Z-button that allows you to wall jump!", but I was too distracted in the next moment when the other guy knocked him down and beat him to death with his shield.

It.Was.Awesome.

So the this guy named "The Douglass" or something like that appears on stage and is all "LOOK AT ME I AM SLASHING MY SWORD AROUND AND I HAVE A DEEP BOOMING VOICE RAR!"

This is the point in the show where I thought Ashleigh and I were going to get kicked out because the only thing I could think of was "THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE HIGHLANDER! TIRES CANNOT DEFEAT ME!" whenever the guy talked, and I whispered it really loudly to Ashleigh. We both dissolved into laughter, and got a couple of glares, but I really didn't care because some woman brought HER FREAKING DOG to the show and it started yelping and causing a ruckus at one point.

No one glared at her. They all acted like it was perfectly normal for her to have brought A PUPPY to a theatre show.

Noobs.

Right.

There was another point in a fight between Hotspur and Prince Hal that Hotspur chased Prince Hal on stage and then threw a spear at him, and the Prince totally bitchslapped the spear out of the air with his sword and BROKE IT AND HALF.

I am going to have awesome dreams tonight.

I am also extremely amused by violence.

Meh

In other news, rehearsals for Godspell started Tuesday. I am playing Lamar. I love Lamar, even if Lamar is the slightly slow character.

This may or may not be because Lamar is the slapstick character that goofs of and/or is a little slow and draws attention to herself all the time.

The only thing I'm worried about is that at some point during the show we go out in the audience and dance around and stuff. That's totally cool with me for most of the performances because I like attention, and I like interacting with people (usually).

There's one problem: my six-year-old sister is going to be at one of the shows.

I seriously just got shivers up my spine.

I know, I know, it seems like she would be a sweet and harmless little six year old.

WRONG.

She's totally a demon child. Normally this is okay with me because I can sic her on people who irritate me/ family members who irritate me/ people I just want to be mean to. We're partners in crime. Most of the time. Sometimes she turns on me, and it usually ends with her kicking me in the shin and me attempting to punt her across the room.

I'm not kidding. One time she kept whining that she had to go to the bathroom in Walmart even though she HAD JUST GONE FIVE MINUTES AGO, and my mom was all "Amber, spend quality time with your sister and take her to the bathroom" which is really just code for "I'm too lazy to take her to the bathroom because she probably doesn't have to go, but she's whining too loud for me to ignore her so you deal with it". So I take Kira to the bathroom, and, SURPRISE, she didn't have to go. So she's all "I don't have to pee", and I'm all "Too bad. You whined about it, now you better squeeze something out", and she's all "I'm glaring mutinously at you."

At this point I thought I had won.

WRONG AGAIN.

Kira starts screaming and crawls, HALF NAKED, into another ladies stall screaming about stranger danger.

I don't think I have ever been so embarrassed in my entire life. Luckily my mom showed up before the security people could take her away and accuse me of trying to kidnap her.


If that happens when I try to get her go pee, what's she going to do when I'm in character and can't acknowledge her out in the audience when she calls my name?

I think I'm going to ask the director if shin guards can be part of my costuming.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Apparently I look like a crack addict at one in the morning

Okay, so I totally lied. You didn't get two posts yesterday, POOMSOSA.

I'm pretty sure you will get over it.

.....

Unless you don't, in which case, I'll fake apologize to keep you from going over the deep end and coming after me with a sawed off shotgun. The results of that could be quite unpleasant.

Right. So I have recently realized that Abilene is the worst place to live. Ever. Why is this POOMSOSA?

Well, POOMSOSA, native Abileneisaurs (yes, that's totally what they are called) parade around in shirts that say "Keep Abilene Normal" all the time. This, coupled with the facts that there are approximately eighty bazillion churches in Abilene--

I totally just got derailed because my Google spell-checker didn't yell at me when I typed bazillion. THAT.IS.FREAKING.AWESOME.

Okay, focusing. Focusing.

-- three at least vaguely Christian universities in Abilene, and about 99.99999% of Abilene's native population is people over the age of eighty, gives off the impression that Abilene is a safe place to live.

My General Ackbar senses are tingling.

.....Yours should be too.

IT'S A TRAP! GAWD! GRAB YOUR LIGHT SABER AND SUIT UP FOR COMBAT!


Right. So here's what went down. My friend Elonda's sister is having surgery. She does not have a car, so she asked me if I could take her to a bus station at 1 AM so that she could make her departure time at 2:30 AM. Apparently the bus people were expecting a tsunami of people to be taking a bus from ABILENE (a podunk town) to somewhere in Colorado. Clearly there is a huge demand for this and they would lose track of their customers and people would be all grr and sue them for something or other.

...Then again, people going from Abilene to Colorado might be on the run terrorists or something. Maybe the whole " be here an hour and a half ahead of time just in case at 1:00 AM in a small-ish town" thing is a clever ruse for "we're Super Americans who are making sure no terrorists slip past our careful guard. Don't worry America, that bus they're riding on is totally a Transformer and will crush any shenanigans those terrorists try to get away with. HELL YEAH OPTIMUS PRIME!"

In which case, HELL YEAH bus stop policy makers! Take them down! UHUH *Z SNAP PATTERN*

I realize don't care that the previous statement may or may not be culturally insensitive to people who ride buses at 1:00 AM from small towns. And bus companies...and people who Z snap... The list can go on, but I'm stopping.

On the flip side, I hope the US department of defense doesn't read this and go all "OH EM GEE SHE SAID TERRORISM! LET'S CHECK THIS OUT GUYS!" and then read this blog post and go "OH SHIT! SHE MADE UP A HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION INVOLVING TERRORISTS AND TRANSFORMERS? THAT'S A CODE WORD FOR SOME PROTOTYPE WE'RE BUILDING! SHE IS CLEARLY A TERRORIST!"

That would suck major marmalade sandwiches. And marmalade is frickin' gross.


Wow. I just got majorly off topic. So I took her to the bus stop, and I start taking her luggage inside because she's disabled and isn't supposed to lift stuff. She goes inside to sit down, I got back outside to grab another duffel bag, and this man (who I totally thought was a hobo because he was sleeping on the curb near a road) comes up and is all "Hey, I'm from Denver passing through here, do you know where I can score some crack?"

At which point I'm all "What the hell are you talking about?" because I'm not especially socially bright at 1AM so I had no idea what he meant by crack. So he explains that he wants drugs, and I just kinda stand there and glare at him for a second before telling him that I am not into that kind of stuff.

Except I didn't really glare because he was a really shifty looking dude and had his hand behind his back the whole time, so I thought he might have a knife or a gun or something.

I seriously thought I was going to die. Except, I totally got gipped because I didn't get to see a flashback of my whole life. The only thing I could remember was this one time when I fell and skinned my knee in 10th grade. This memory totally made my knee actually start stinging in sympathy pain and really pissed me off because that's a really crappy memory to remember when you're about to die.

Of course I was also pissed because I always imagined I would go out in a gun fight with John Wayne's evil clone where I sacrifice my life to save the world from his tyranny or something cool like that, not by being stabbed by a crack addict in a bust parking lot in Abilene.

Luckily the dude just kinda skittered off back to his stuff when I told him I had no idea where to find crack, but that I could help him find lots of places to find Jesus.

Needless to say I got her luggage inside and got the hell out of there before the Boy Crack Wonder could change his mind and come after me with whatever was behind his back.

I feel compelled to say at this point that my friend Elonda befriended this guy on the bus, and he was totally helpful and nice to her.

That doesn't mean the situation wasn't scary.

Also, he must messed up thing about that whole situation is that when I told him I had no idea how to "score some crack", he looked at me like I was the bad person.

If you make some joke about how I should know how to get drugs because I am clearly on them, I will give you a permanent third leg. If you catch my drift.

P.S. The new Transformers movie was AWESOME. I'll probably write about that in the next blog.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

No, I'm not having a love affair with my space bar.

So I'm completely aware that I haven't updated this blog in like, three million years. This is a lot less than last time. Hurray.

Right. Serious business.

I decided that blogging every single day was a little bit much because I'm completely lazy busy. Also, who wants to read every day. This is America, not Readmerica. Duh.

So I'm going to start posting three times a week, probably on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I say probably because it will might change.

Also, before you say anything, I know it's Tuesday so that last sentence is kind of extraneous.

Sticklers. God.

Right. Also, in another announcement-y type thing: It has come to my attention that some people who read this blog think that I make out with my space bar at random times during posting. This is entirely totally not true. My thumb totally is isn't a pregnant ho.

HINT: If you highlight the random gaping holes between words, you might find secrets.


Right.


Just to warn you, there will be two posts today. This lame announcement one, and then one chronicling my adventures with a bust stop crack addict, staying up all night, a graduate school preparation seminar, and other shenanigans.

Bwahah

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I'm not acting superior. You're just a peasant.

Sometimes I want to maim get really annoyed with people who think they are better than me others. Mostly because I know that I'm whoever is being harassed is better than equal to everyone, but apparently no one else does. This is a grave miscalculation that I attempt to get people to correct.

Only, SURPRISE! Most of the time I'm unsuccessful.

This may or may not be because most people have very high and unrealistic opinions of themselves. Before you ask, I don't include myself in that group.

Right. So I'm sure that you're all wondering why I'm rambling about equality and blah blah blah.

Don't worry, POOMSOSA, I'm about to tell you.

The other day I had a discussion with someone who was upset at me. This should not be a surprise. This person told me that I was rather pompous and that I should try being nice because it's the right thing to do, and then read me the riot act (no, I have no idea what the riot act is but I don't really care because I'm sexy and I can do what I want) and how they were such a better person than me and about a bunch of stuff to which I replied:

"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW". Anyone who knows anything about the Internet should be laughing right about now, or shaking their head in shame. Whichever works for you. Equality, remember?

Don't get me wrong POOMSOSA I don't care about other people's feelings. Normally I would have been all "Wow, maybe I'm being totally unreasonable and should evaluate my reasoning in this argument and try to see things from their point of view."

But this argument was not reasonable. Oh no. It was far from it.

This person was arguing with me because I said curling was a stupid sport and shouldn't be in the Olympics.

What. The. Hell.

I mean, I totally understand if you like curling (I refuse to capitalize that word out of principle). You obviously have good reasons.

I won't judge you. I promise.

....

Okay, that was totally a lie.

I mean, who wouldn't be riveted by a bunch of people throwing some over sized stone at a target and gauging how fast it goes by scraping the ice in front of it with brooms? Seriously, you have to make lightning fast precise decisions about when to scrub the ice and when not to so that you get the stone on the target correctly. Seriously, curling is like the Chess of the ice world! There are even professional ice makers for curling!That shit is hardcore! This video proves it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXeXNHRPMM! Do you hear the hardcore music playing in the background do ya? WELL DO YA?"





.......I hope you realize how retarded that just sounded.


( P.S. If you actually do watch the video, there's totally a guy that acts like Tiger Woods when he does something well. It made me lol really hard. I also yelled "Calm down Tiger WOODS!" really loudly with my door open, and someone walked in and was like "What the hell are you talking about?" I was laughing too hard to answer.)


Now that I'm done with my tangent on how stupid I think curling is (yes, I know how the game is played and blah blah blah. I'm not so much of a bigot that I would just judge a game without knowing how it's played), I'll get to the point of this blog.

Well, this blog doesn't really have a point, and I know you don't know this but my "N" key is wigging out, and it's really ticking me off, and if it doesn't stop I'm going to take a flamethrower to my laptop. (Don't worry I'm really not going to. Mostly because I'm too poor to afford a new laptop).

Right.

So anyway, this person just went on and on about how I was overly harsh and acted superior all the time.

This made me giggle.

See, the fact is POOMSOSA, I'm not acting superior. You all are just peasants.

Also, I swear that if you look up what my last name means and start telling me about how it's french for "Of the fields" and how that must mean that my ancestors were peasants so I really have no room to be talking, I will give you a surprise tracheotomy.

....That statement just made me giggle again.

Except, it just occurred to me that I really hope no peasants somehow muster up the money/chickens/goats/whatever currency peasants pay in to get on the internet and see this post. God. That would be terrible.

The peasants would be all "RAWR! This noble doesn't care about our well being", and I'd be all "Yeah duh I'm a Feudal Lord, bitch, LOL look at me I'm Marie Antoinette, eat some cake peasants", and then they'd have this giant uprising and I'd be all "OH MY GOD! NEIGHBORING FEUDAL LORDS COME TO MY RESCUE", except there aren't any more feudal lords, so I'd be all by myself. And then the peasants would start chasing after me with pitchforks and other various objects that I don't ever want to be stabbed with and I'd eventually get caught because I can't really run very much, and then I'd be all "This isn't fair! It's not my fault that you don't know how to use modern technology to farm better and get out of poverty," hoping to get out of trouble, except the peasants would be like "Technology? What? SHE'S A WITCH! BURN THE WITCH!". Then they'd definitely have a public burning, except I'm so awesome I would't burn and then I'd look up and see an angel and suddenly turn into Joan of Arc and be remembered forever as the bad ass who got saved from a painful death by an angel.

...Yeah. The hallucinogenic drugs creativity in the air of my room is definitely back.

Also, I have a confession to make.

.....No,I'm not on drugs. You're all jerks for thinking that, POOMSOSA. Don't even pretend that you weren't thinking it.

Right, the confession:

The whole reason I wrote this post is because I wanted to put "I'm not acting superior. You're just a peasant " as a blog title.

LOL Narcissism




Random Statement of the Day:

Fact: "People who are allergic to strawberries should never eat anything with strawberry in it" is a logical argument.

Fact: "People who eat strawberries are stupid because I hate strawberries so they should too" "Girls like guys with a nice ass, not ass crack showing. I'm a reasonable person, you're not. You've been consumed by ACU eggshells and bubble" is not a logical or reasonable argument.



Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I may or may not be a little insensitive

I'm pretty sure the hallucinogenic drugs creativity in the air of my room has run out for the day, so I'm just going to post a bunch of blurbs from my trolling adventure on a Meebo chat room where morons people go to roleplay and stuff.

I'm Locke (the philosopher, not the guy from Lost). No names were changed to protect the idiots innocent.

Ookami(male)-||belongs to Crow||: What's with the kids crawling around..
[12:20] Locke: There are kids running around? GAWD! I need to put my spiky tap dance shoes on.
[12:20] Locke: Just kidding. I would never do that to a child.
[12:20] Locke: Probably.


12:22] Sharoe Heo[age 1 and1/2]~ Elemental Baby~Needs Parents~: (im bad at speling)
[12:22] Locke: (I won't hold it against you. )
[12:22] Locke: (That was a lie.)

[12:24] Hanabi (2) (orphan) (half-vamp): Tatsuya: -back is covered in blood again-
[12:24] Hanabi (2) (orphan) (half-vamp): Tatsuya: -falls to the ground-
[12:24] Hanabi (2) (orphan) (half-vamp): Tatsuya: -sobbing into the ground-
[12:24] Locke: Hey bloody teenager, you might want to get up. I bet there are some "vampires" in here.

[12:24] Hanabi (2) (orphan) (half-vamp): *Tatsuya: -sobbing-

[12:31] Locke: Oi, can I bottle your tears and sell them on Ebay?

[12:33] Hanabi (2) (orphan) (half-vamp): Tatsuya: -bleeding-
[12:33] Locke: Oi, it looks like you're bleeding.
[12:34] Hanabi (2) (orphan) (half-vamp): Tatsuya: well.....-sob- yeah.......obviously -sob-

[12:34] Locke: You should stop that. I heard it's bad for your health.

[12:34] Hanabi (2) (orphan) (half-vamp): Tatsuya: -goes back to sobbing into the floor-



[12:48] Beta Sam(The Samurai Soul Reaper)(Black's Kouen and Heartless's Bro)(Zio's son)(loves Vee)(in Shadows pack): Its not rape...
[12:49] Locke: It's surprise sex!


(I realize that the last blurb can be taken out of context, but no one had claimed to have been raped or anything. A bunch of people made the same joke. Before you ask, YES I would jump off a bridge if everyone else did. I would just be intelligent and use a bungee cable.

[12:53] Naiyu [little slave girl] ~needs a master~ Looking for a love~: *hugs knees* my last master accidentally fell into a lake and got electrocuted to death because he had a cattle prod with him....

[12:49] Locke: LMFAO! BAD ASS!





Yeah. I'm totally insensitive.