Random Acts of Insanity

ATTENTION DUELISTS

2010-03-29T20:25:00.000-07:00

I hate Blogger, so I'm moving my further blog entries to ratedr4ridiculous.wordpress.com

:) I hope any readers I have will continue over there.

Apologies.

2010-02-17T21:55:00.000-08:00

So I didn't update yesterday. I got super busy. In fact, I should be memorizing lines for the show I am in that opens next Friday and doing homework that is due tomorrow, but I love you all so much that I am here updating instead.

To be completely honest, I am extremely exhausted emotionally and physically right now, and I cannot think of anything funny to say. I am really sorry to anyone who reads that is wondering why I am suddenly not funny. I just do not want to post something that is not amusing to me, and I certainly do not want to whine in my blog. At least, not overly much. That is just annoying.

INTERRUPTION: This conversation just happened in my house two seconds ago.

Amber: Sir Peen's getting a little limp over there. I think he has ED
KRB: Maybe he needs some Viagra

Yeah. My roomates are the best.

Right. So I am going to go sleep now, so I can get up and do homework in the morning. Ugh.

Majora's Mask of the Zelda series was probably named after a girls naughty bits.

2010-02-15T19:09:00.000-08:00

I AM BACK AFTER A WEEKEND OF FUN AND BLISS, POOMSOSA!

I know, I know. You are all thrilled that I am updating again. Give me a minute to bask in your praise and adoration.

Okay. Moment over.

So stuff that has happened in my life recently:

1. I still have not heard about call backs. It is driving me up a wall.
2. I decided to start exercising because it is kind a good thing. All I have to say about this is "FUCKING OUCH!"
3. OLYMPICS ARE ON! YAYAYAYAYAY! I <3 Figure Skating and Downhill Snow Boarding
4. I got the second webcomic up. I linked it in the previous sentence. Also, I am pretty sure this is going to be a once a week venture until I get faster/better at drawing.

I think that is just about all that is going on of importance of my life right now.Woohoo.

So now back to serious business. The other day I was watching my television, and I see this commercial for a birth control pill. Now normally I just ignore these ads because I hate commercials, but this one was different. It was special....

education.

Yeah. So basically the premise of this ad (other than BUY THIS BIRTH CONTROL KTHX) was that it would stop you from having a needless period. It basically posited that periods are pointless and have no purpose.

CAN I GET AN AMEN FROM ALL THE LADIES IN THE ROOM BECAUSE THIS STATEMENT IS ENTIRELY TRUE GAIS! ALL PERIODS DO IS MAKE YOU VULNERABLE TO CREATING DEMON SPAWN AND GETTING PREGGERS.

This is completely true. I once heard this girl decided not to take period blocking birth control, and her uterine lining turned into duck fetuses....fetii.. fetusi?..... I have no idea what the plural of fetus is, but the point is that this girl had a uterus made of immature duck babies. Yeah. ALSO, her labia majora turned into calcium carbonate eggs. So basically her entire reproductive tract was a duck egg. And instead of getting yeast infections, she got yolk infections, which is gross be cause albumin has no business being in a human vagina ever.

Also, sex was out of question for her because eggs are fragile. This gives a whole new meaning to "smashing" a girl.

Smashing means having sex with, for anyone who does not know. Because I did not, and I had to look it up on Urban Dictionary, which was a mistake because that place is almost as bad as 4chan.

Oh. Ashleigh and I were wondering if the Zelda game Majora's Mask was named after the Labia Majora. Because Zelda is totally a vagina like that, if you catch my drift (think four letter offensive term for vagina starting with a C). If anyone has an answer to this question, please let me know.

Alright, alright, alright, IN ALL SERIOUSNESS: I would like to point out/rant that THEIR CLAIMS ARE NOT TRUE. As annoying/painful as having a period might seem, they are a necessary part of a woman's body/life/metabolic cycle. I am completely serious for once in this blog/my life. If a woman does not have her period for long enough, her hormone cycle gets messed up, and it can lead to cancer, anemia, etc. Also, if this trend continues for too long it severely effects bone density and increases the chance of severe osteoporosis more than ten fold.

I have a definite problem with this commercial saying that a woman does not need her period, and I think the FDA needs to make them quit that.

So yeah. Serious moment.

Oh, did I mention that not having a period turns your uterine lining into live duck fetuses? Yeah. That is totally a scientific fact.

Alright. SRS BZNS over.

I am not very funny today. My apologies.

Shorts posts are short

2010-02-13T13:12:00.000-08:00

So I really did not do a very good job of updating last week, but stuff happens.

Haha. I just wanted to post to let anyone who reads my blog know that I have decided to TENTATIVELY, let me say that again, TENTATIVELY, TENTATIVELY try to post every Monday-Thursday. Maybe Friday. Yeah. It will probably just end up being whenever something really random happens.

Alright. I think that is all I really have to say. I am going to go work on Rated R for Ridiculous now. Have an excellent weekend, and if you really need to talk to me, or share some kind of story, etc. , you can always email me or something.

Science has made me morally powerful and so can you! (This is only slightly a lie and by slightly I mean COMPLETELY).

2010-02-10T10:56:00.000-08:00

Alright, so this blog post is coming WAAAAAY earlier in the day than I normally would post it because I pulled an all-nighter and am going to need to go to bed early tonight. Coincidentally this means the release of the new strip in Rated R for Ridiculous is going to have to be delayed for an unspecified amount of time. Sorry about that, but I kind have to pass my classes, and studying is an important part of that. Which is ironic because I am totally procrastinating from studying right now to write this blog post. GO ME!

Right.....

So yesterday evening/this morning/ some obscure time that is difficult to pin point and properly convey because of extreme sleep deprivation, when I was pulling an all-nighter studying for my Neurobiology test, I definitely typed the term "spontaneous abortion" in a legitimate sense. Yes. LEGITIMATE. You read that right POOMSOSA.

Now, this probably sounds extremely far-fetched to you all, given my propensity for being horrendously inappropriate and non-PC (if you think that means that I am a mac user/lover, GTFO my blog before I surprise tracheotomy you with a subsequent and complementary retina stabbing as a gift to your opening and account with my bank of pain).

Wow. I forgot how good it felt to emptily-threaten bodily harm. I think this might be the five hour energy/sleep deprivation/common depravity that I have speaking.

Right. Back on topic.

So yes. That occurrence made me realize just how morbid my future career in Biology is going to be. Provided I actually have a career in Biology. I mean, we biologists talk about this kinda stuff all the time.

Hell, we talk about all sorts of other terrible shit. Even better? We are totally encouraged and allowed to because it is in the name of science. Supposedly. I am a little vague on these details.

What this made me realize/assume/ consider taking advantage of is that I have the power to say pretty much whatever I want, and when people are all "WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS THE MOST TERRIBLE THING I HAVE EVER HEARD. GTFO MY EARTH NAOW KTHXBAI" I can simply smile indulgently and say "Oh. No it is not. I was talking about it in a scientific sense. FUCKING BOOYA" I may not add that last part in there. This is a work in progress.

But it is basically like BAM: Instant protection from anger. Unless, of course, I am talking to another scientist (or someone who knows about the subject we are discussing) in which case we have to have a sciencey dominance fight to see who gets to claim to be the superior scientist and thus is not in the wrong. To do this, I am definitely proposing that, as Biologists, we engage in the ancient snail technique of penis fencing. Of course, snails do this to decide which snail is the male and which is the female in mating (or just to choose a mate in general), but choosing mates and establishing dominance in intelligence are basically the same thing. Because if you do not know what you are doing, your chances of successful reproduction are slim at best.

Also, I know I do not have penis, but I can get a strap on or something. I am totally game for that if it means that I can establish my science knowledge dominance.

Not that I need a penis for that. Shit. I am getting myself all sorts of confused here. Please do not take this as a MEN ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN BECAUSE THEY HAVE STICK GENITALS RATHER THAN GAPING ABYSMAL CHASM GENITALS because that is NOT WHAT I AM SAYING.

I just thought penis fencing would be funny.

Dammit. Now I am offending even myself. I need sleep.

Buuuuut I will not sleep yet because I feel this need to make up for my past few lame posts.

OOH! This just in: An IM conversation that happened with my first friend ever (and coincidentally the only other bestie I have on par with Ashtard).

Baki: I have warmth in my belly *o*

Me: ......

Baki: Food xDD

Me: Why do I automatically associate that with orgasm? I am fucked up

Baki: lmaoooo
Me: Curse my roomate for her corruption of my mind.
Baki: Your poking is that powerful.

Me: .......THE FUCK?

Baki: rofl

Me: lolz

Baki: My city on this game is Pokedextrous. It's like Ambidextrous, but with more balls.

I have no idea why my blog seems to revolve around talk of genitals/sexual reproduction/ gross things all of a sudden considering I am pretty much the least sexual being ever AKA The Eighth Asexual wonder of the world.

I think I am just going to act like the stereotypical minority case and blame society, (AKA because my Roomate and friends who call me Injun all the time because they are FUCKING INCONSIDERATE like that. I do not go around calling them PAPER WHITE CRACKER or whatever white racial slur applies. I am bad at creative racial slurs in general. Which is probably a good thing.) Because clearly ALL minorities do this (and by all I mean not all. I am not that much of a chauvinistic racist and hopefully never will be.)

I really hoped I would never hear dolphin and ball gag in the same sentence, but that hope was dashed tonight.

2010-02-09T19:19:00.000-08:00

Oh my God. I AM SO FREAKING BUSY. It is complete and utter bullshit.

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW I know.

Alright. So basically I should be studying for a big Neurobiology test I have tomorrow, but I am writing this blog post instead. FEEL PRIVILEGED.

Okay. So this weekend. So basically I was at home this weekend by myself. I thought this would be okay, considering, you know, I could sleep in late without worrying about my roomates waking me up for something.

FUCKING FALSE. Apparently the baseball field near my apartment decided that blaring RAP MUSIC at EIGHT IN THE MORNING was a good idea. Just FYI, it is NOT. Fuck you baseball field.

So then they finally shut the hell up and stop blaring music, and my Chinese roomate SETS THE FIRE ALARM OFF RIGHT WHEN I FALL BACK TO SLEEP.

ARGH ARGH ARGH AARRRRRGH with a side of FUCK.

So that was the majority of my Saturday. And by majority I mean minority. In all reality my Saturday was boring. Actually, so was my whole weekend. My audition did go well. So hopefully I will get a call back. Hopefully.

Hold on. This just in:

Conversation that just occurred in my house:

Me: Ugh. Brain is not working and will not let me write a post.
Eric: Oh. Well you could write about how sexy I am.
Me: Yeah. No. I do not think so.
Eric: *RANDOM Change of subject* WHAT IS THAT?
Ashleigh: It's a bear, doing a dolphin from behind with a ball gag in its mouth. Sexy.

I really do not know why they are looking at animal porn. In fact. I did not even want to know what they were gasping at.

Hmmmkay.

OH! Right. So today I taught lab. And while I was teaching lab, my boss came in and was looking at the mold cultures we have, and was all "OH NO! Why did these get shaken up. They are not supposed to be shaken up."

My response?

"Oh. We were having a mold fiesta and those cultures were our maracas."

I do not think that my boss was very pleased. I got some chuckles from the students though.

Oh. And then. AND THEN. I look up and there is a GIANT fly head model staring down at me from one of the cabinets. No bueno. Absolutely no bueno.

Yeah. I think I am going to go and study for my test.

I will try and be more entertaining tomorrow.

This post is going to suck mostly because its 1:42 and I need sleep but I also need to update

2010-02-07T23:42:00.000-08:00

I think the title of this blogpost pretty much says it all. I got really busy studying/superbowling/screaming at the TV/ working on my webcomic and completely slacked off on writing the most for tonight.

Yeah. So basically there will be two posts for today/tomorrow/whatever day this post gets classified as.

I promise lots ridiculous insanity is on the way when I recount the events of my weekend. I just do not have the capacity to relay it right now.

The only significant news I really can convey is that I FINALLY have the first comic in my webcomic up.

I found a really neat webcomic hosting place. You can find my comic here.

The strip is called Rated R for Ridiculous. Har har, I know I am amazing.

Also what the ell there is a creepy moving plasticized humanoid robot with a vacuum as a penis. In fact, he just called it his groinal socket. Apparently he can attach hedge clippers too. I am fucking confused and mortified. Alright. Time for sleeping now.

I do not know why my roomate just said "I am totally putting that in my vagina" but I am kind of frightened.

2010-02-04T21:10:00.000-08:00

Okay. So I am getting a lot better at updating. I think this is the fourth day in a row that I have updated consistently.Admiration and praise is acceptable and expected.

Go head, I will wait.

So anyway, I think that today's blog is going to be all about my two of my room mates and how horrible/amazing they are. I am only focusing on two today because my third roomate (and BESTIE), Ashleigh, deserves a whole post to herself. That is how terrible/awesome she is.

Okay, so I am going to start with Wendy.

I do not know her very well. What I do know is that she is from China and is basically terrified of me. Mostly because one day she walked into the apartment in mid-rant as I was screaming "IF YOU DO NOT STOP MESSAGING ME I WILL CUT YOUR TOES OFF AND FEED THEM TO A DEAD BEAVER."

....Yeah. That was one of my finer moments.

Anyway, her claim to fame in the apartment is making Chinese food and randomly popping in and out. We do not see her much. I think that is mostly my fault.

Also, I totally told her I needed her picture for a class project because I did not know how to explain why I needed it for my blog. I might be a terrible person. And by might I mean I am.
Then we have KRB. She asked me to disguise her picture because she did not want to be associated with my blog. I cannot say I blame her.

OH WAIT YES I CAN.

Right, Here she is:

Yeah. KRB is pretty epic. When she is not preaching at me about being a better person, or not swearing...or whatever. I remember this one time I was asking her to share her blanket with me because I was cold, and she thought I was just being an idiot and harassing her, so when I tried to take part of the blanket she totally clawed my arm to shreds. True.Story.

Then I sprayed her with a water bottle (that part is not true. I totally shrieked like a little girl and rolled around on the floor)

FUCK ASHLEIGH JUST TOOK MY PICTURE AND NOW ALL I CAN SEE ARE SPOTS. She also ran in and yelled "I AM THE ULTIMATE MUFF DIVER"

I think I might kill her. FUCKING SPOTS. AUGH.

And no, I do not mean fucking spots literally. That would be difficult, as the only reason I am seeing them is because of my retina, and I am pretty sure my retina and vagina will NEVER come into physical contact.

Except now that I said that some serial killer is going to come and rip my eye out and then shove it into my vagina. DAMMIT.

......Right.

Back to KRB.

So basically she is pretty hilarious, but is a muuuuuch better person than me. No joke. She swears exactly once a month, goes to church every Sunday, and all sorts of good stuff. But then she will come out with random racist jokes and Ashleigh and I would be like "O.O WHAT THE HELL BAHAHAHAHA"

So yeah. I do not really have much else to say about her. Well, I do but I need to hurry up and finish this because I have a test, a quiz, and homework due tomorrow, AND I need to finish grading papers, AND I need to go grocery shopping.

Do not DARE judge me POOMSOSA.

Hold on. My roomate just told me that I could not share a fork with her because I have gonorrhea. Apparently she is under the misconception that I use my vagina to hold eating utensils. Again with the whole face and vagina never meeting. Ugh. GET IT RIGHT PEOPLE.

Okay. So Random update time before I finish grading papers:

1. Ashtard (BESTIE) and I have a SUPER AWESOME HAND SHAKE .You should all go check it out.
2. I have a prelim sketch of the "theme" picture for my webcomic preliminarily finished. I am including it below.

3. I think Ashtard just tried to nom on my charger while it was connected to the wall. I am confused. She may or may not be on drugs.

4. I have an audition on Sunday. I hope it goes well.

5. Apparently Ashtard also has dysentery and wants a carbonite cake of Han Solo to celebrate her divorce.

In which Hitler is a Super Saiyan, Sir Peen finds a mate, and I debunk a common TV misconception

2010-02-03T21:11:00.000-08:00

Okay, before I commence with the main attractions of this blog post, I have a random rant to go on. As usual, it is about some stupid ass commercial that happens to be on TV when I type up my post.

The Rant of the Day (TM) is brought to you by that commercial where Mary Kay talks about her mom and how she gave her advice and she created that heart diamond thing. And then they say that the advice was "Keep your heart open, and love will always find away in."

This is INCORRECT.

If you keep your heart open, which should NEVER HAPPEN unless you are having heart surgery, INFECTION will invite its way in. And then you will have heart failure, and you will either die or have brain damage because your heart shuts down and cuts off the blood supply to your brain.

Okay. On with the show:

OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD OHMY GOD OHMYGOD

I HAVE COME ACROSS A GOLD MINE OF LOL.

Go look at it. Now. It will take you a while to watch, but FUCKING LOL

DRAGON BALL Z, DIARY OF ANNE FRANK FANFICTION CROSS OVER.

YES. SOMEONE FUCKING DID THAT.

FUCKING SUPER SAIYAN HITLER.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHHAAH!

Can you IMAGINE? God. I surely cannot.

Fucking super saiyan Hitler. That is so terrifying and inappropriate.

Also, does that mean that Goku's kids are half Jew, half Saiyan now?

HAHAHAHAHAAH

Okay, I think I have efficiently and effectively conveyed my mirth about that video.

AHAHA

Okay. Now I am done.

SOOO. I have to admit I actually do not have much to talk about in this blog post. I (sadly) did not have any extraordinary awesome shenanigans today.

Except I did almost get killed on the road. And by killed I mean flipped off by people who thought I was beeping at them because they took EIGHTY THOUSAND YEARS to turn into my apartment complex. Except it was not me that beeped the horn. It was my bestie Ashleigh. Because I may or may not have been eating a rootbeer float while driving/slowing down behind this decrepit idiot who waited for like five minutes to finally turn because there cars on the road. And no, the cars were not close.

Ugh.

So yeah. She beeped the horn, and the guy started to go, then saw a car down the road, and stopped again. So she held the horn down.

This kinda ticked me off a little bit.

I, of course protested, to which she replied "Oh please. You know you wanted to do the same thing. I'm your own personal Tyler Durden."

So yeah. Apparently I am a multiple-personality imbued insomniac who enjoys violence and sexing up random people.

Except not really. Because I am totally asexual like that.

Hmmm...OH! I Sir Peen has a mate! Her name is Duchess of Vag. Here, have a picture of the happy couple:

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I cannot believe I almost forgot this POOMSOSA!

This month is celebrity look alike week. Now, I know that I am totally one of a kind and original, but I have to say that I found someone who looks almost exactly like I do.

Celebrity Look Alike

The similarity is striking, no?

Beauty should be rated on a scale of One to Vagina

2010-02-02T22:06:00.000-08:00

Actual quote from my apartment not two seconds ago:

Tv: "I'm a Christian. I'm a Jew. In case you couldn't tell."

Me: BAHAAHAHA

Ashleigh: "Are you laughing about the Jew commercial?"

Me: "What else would I be laughing at?"

I think I might be slightly a terrible person. But, just to clarify, I am not an anti-Semite. I am pro-Semite. It comes with the whole loving Jesus thing, cause He loves everyone, and is also Jewish.

I just think that the term "Jew" is hilarious.

Riiiiight.

So today has been a very genital-esque day. I never thought I would be able to describe a day in my life with that term, but it is entirely true.
Why has my day been genital-esque, you ask? Do not worry POOMSOSA. I will tell you.
Firstly, I was linked to this site .
Go look. I will wait.

….

FUCKING. VULVA. NECKLACES.
You are not imagining what you just saw. Coincidentally, you cannot un-see that image either. So, I guess sorry about that.

“Each piece is an original, one of a kind hand sculpted image of its owner to remind her that regardless of what the world and the people in it may tell her: she is beautiful.”

WHO ACTUALLY THINKS THAT? I mean, can you imagine POOMSOSA?
“Excuse me sir, can you rate this woman’s beauty on a rank of 1 to Vagina, where 1 is hideous, and vagina is smoking hot?

I think this should be the new Miss America Scale. I think I will be

Also, LOL another conversation from like two seconds ago:

Kristin: “Whatever. You’re a faggot for wanting to get a vagina necklace.”

Amber: “It’s not just any vagina, it’s MY vagina.”

Kristin: “Whatever you perv. What do you do, get down there and take a mold of your vagina.”

Amber: “No. You send them pictures and they design it from that.”

Kristin: “Yeah I bet it is a bunch of perverts looking at vagina pictures.”

Amber: “No. I’m sure it’s a completely respectable establishment.”

Also, try this awesomeness on for size.

Yes. They did. They have a UTERUS PILLOW. Fucking awesome.

AND OOOH! OOH! LET US PLAY SPOT THE RACISM:

“Worried that your uterus is too small? Wow them the next time you go to the gynecologist, be the envy of all of your peers. Why is this Spanish woman so happy? Just look at the size of her uterus! Order now and see instant results! All that and a money back guarantee!”
I gave you a little hint. Just in case.

Okay. So those random, disgusting, and shocking links aside, here are some things that have been happening in my life lately.

A)I bought a new TV! IT is awesome! I love it!
B)I HAVE A NEW PET! His name is Sir Peen. Here is a picture of him:

C)School is still terrible.
D)I need to stop writing this and work on my webcomic.

Right. I think I am done for the day. See you all tomorrow.
Well. I will not really see you because I cannot see through the screen. But whatever.

DATING IS EXACTLY LIKE HOW IT IS IN VIDEO GAMES GUYS

2010-02-01T21:17:00.000-08:00

Okay. So I definitely have a kick ass (in my not so humble opinion) post for you all today, but first I would like to give a giant WARP FACTOR FUCK YOU to online Physics homework.

WARP FACTOR FUCK YOU ONLINE PHYSICS HOMEWORK. YOUR SHENANIGANS ARE NOT APPRECIATED.

Okay, now that I have that out of my system, HI POOMSOSA!

Right. So a couple of people have messaged me and asked what POOMSOSA means. This tells me A)That they are not insane enough to go back 39 entries or so and read the first post and B)That they are also not strong/worthy enough to withstand 39 or so entries of my complete and pure awesome. (HINT: The first one is more accurate.)

So here is the definition of POOMSOSA:

POOMSOSA (Noun/Verb/Whatever I want it to be because I am sexy and I Do what I want): People outside of my sphere of social awareness. See: EVERYONE

Mmkay. Yay. That is cleared up now. Maybe I should put the definition on the side of my blog. This is something to ponder as I am lying awake at night.

ALRIGHT.

So after my last blog post, I started thinking about the whole dating thing, and I realized that with the amount of failure I have had in that department (and that is a lot because I have never dated anyone before. I think I am too shy and demure or something...) that I know enough to write a complete guide to getting a boyfriend.

And you, my loyal POOMSOSA people, are going to get a preview of that guide. This I do for you because I am awesome, and I appreciate your attention because I am an attention whore.

Okay. So, here we go.

Excerpt From: "The Complete ~~Idiot's~~ ~~Reject's~~ Woman's Guide to Landing That Special Someone"

"Step One: Find someone you like. Normally, in life, there are about 5 eligible bachelors around, each with a neatly packaged personality. I am including a helpful guide to these five types of men for you, free of charge.

Male A: Really douchey asshole who no one really fucking likes but is really hot, so everyone deals with them for the peen. Which is probably small and way over rated. Probably works in a bar.

Male B: Really shy, nerdy dude who is intelligent and maybe not as attractive as the others, but probably has a large peen and is a gentle, passionate lover. Probably works in a library.

Male C: Fire crotch. Very Fiery tempered red head who probably works on a farm. Probably (see: IS) a furry. Has a heart of gold, and eats way too damn much.

Male D: The chubby food connoisseur. Probably works at a bakery. Chocolate will probably be involved in your love making. May also have a really decrepit grandmother living with him for some reason.

Male E: One of those flamers who is not really gay. Has strange colored hair, and is more bipolar than a bipolar polar bear (and that is a LOT of polar). Might be a cross dresser. There will be lots of make up sex because you will fight A LOT.

Step 2: Figure out what kind of gifts and hobbies they like/have.

This is very important. I recommend you Google a guide for this specific person. Keep in mind that you will always have a rival, and they will ALWAYS have known each other since birth. IGN is a good place to find guides, BTW.

Step 3: ASSAULT THEM WITH GIFTS THREE TIMES A DAY, EVERYDAY

Food is the way to a man’s heart(attack). You should definitely make food and bring it over to them a lot. But make sure you make balanced meals because men are like turkeys and get fat really easily. Unless you are a chubby chaser, in which case, FATTEN THAT BITCH UP!

NOTE: Your chosen male may be creeped out by your constant flow of gifts. He may lock his doors, avoid you, or file a restraining order. DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE AND PREVAIL AT ALL COSTS. Also, make sure you keep a lawyer on retainer, just in case things get heated. Just do not forget that that heat is a sign of the deep love he has for you. FO REAL.

Step 4: Keep a close eye on his heart color.

As your man grows in fondness for you, his heart will change colors. I am including guide below of what the different colors mean:

White: Indifferent
Blue: FRIEND ZONE
Green: I like you but I will not say anything because I am a macho bastard/too shy.
Yellow: Friends with benefits
Pink: HUBBA HUBBA BABY LETS DO THE NASTY

Now, I realize that a man’s heart is buried deep within his chest, so these heart colors are impossible to see with the naked eye. So how do you check them? Chloroform and a heart catheter, ladies. Chloroform and a heart catheter. The procedure is actually simple to do, if you bribe a surgeon (or take an online class. That is another option of choice).

IMPORTANT NOTE: Make sure that the yellow you think is yellow heart is a vibrant yellow and not a dull gross yellow. Dull gross yellow means that your man has LOTS OF PLAQUE BUILD UP AND IS ABOUT TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK, in which case you should either A) Alert them B) Trick them into marrying you and then take out a life insurance policy or C) Find another man.

Step 4: Give the pink hearted man a blue feather.

Cultural institutions require that a large blue feather be presented to your lover to request marriage. Normally they sell these at the tool shop, but you can probably find one at Wal-Mart because those bitches have everything.

Step 5: GET MARRIED

IF this is not self-explanatory, GTFO my blog.

And there you have it ladies! Five easy steps to landing that special man in your life. All of this should take you about 2 seasons, but if you are really pro you can do it 1 season. If you have any dire questions that are not answered here, you might find a very useful guide here.

Or you can email me. Or Twitter me. Whichever.

Happy man-hunting! "

DISCLAIMER: I may or may not have borrowed all of my man-hunting techniques from Harvest Moon, and you may or may not want to actually try them. The POWER IS YOURS!

CAPTAIN PLANET! HE'S OUR HERO!

...Okay I am done.

My vagina is VIP only, and none of your penii are on the guest list

2010-01-29T22:08:00.001-08:00

Dear Men of the World,

Contrary to popular belief, I am not dying to have your glistening man horn buried in my velvety sheath. I have declared myself asexual until such a time that I will have any sorry son of a bitch who may get me pregnant legally bound to me and the hell spawn that will come out of me. If I have to suffer, so do you.

That is all,

AUGH. I wish I could convey the absolute irritation I am feeling over all this “GET MARRIED, BE IN A RELATIONSHIP, HAVE SEX” bullshit. I cannot believe I ever got all upset about not having a boyfriend. Ever. Just looking at my past self I go “GOD I WAS A FUCKING RETARD WHAT THE HELL?”. Seriously. I have gotten to the point where I have to resist the urge to yell “IT IS A TRAP! RUN AWAY!” at any girl or guy holding hands, or giggling with each other or even within 20 feet of each other.

Seriously. I swear that the stars have aligned in some perverse way so that many of my friends are like “OMG THIS SEX IS AWESOME. YOU MUST HAVE IT.”

Example: Excerpts from a recent conversation between me and a friend:

Friend: wanna watch/make porn?
Me: NO
Friend: not even a little bit? amateur softcore?
Me:: Not even a little bit
Friend: ....do you have a camera?
Me:: ..........
Me:: What the hell is with your obsession of getting me to have sex?
Friend: *shrugs*
Friend: just seems like it might be fun
Me:: Well knock it off.
Me:: I am not interested in sex.
Friend: or so you believe
Me:: Yes. I do believe that. And it is my prerogative to do so.
If I decided I want to have sex with someone, it will be on my own time with no urging from anyone else.
So please shut the fuck up about it already

Seriously. C’mon guys. Sex is not required for me. I do not wake up in the morning and go “Man, I really hope I can have my vagina pillaged today.” Because that is what sex is: Pillaging of the vagina. Therefore, every man is a Viking.

I am not fond of Vikings pillaging anything, let alone my “bud of maidenhood”.

As quoth my my mother: “I can live without the peen.”

Yeah. My mom referred to a penis as a peen.

While I was driving down the road.

On a busy highway.

Death was almost had.

My mom is truly bad ass, but she lacks the correct timing of when to send me into fits of laughter.

Right. In other news, I definitely linked breast milk to missiles in three steps. Nothing says CLASSY PRO like being able to link breast milk to missiles. Try that on for size.

Okay, so serious life shenanigans that I am considering/have already done/am going through right now.

-I have a SUPER FUCKING AWESOME prank planned. I will not post any details on here for fear of the prank-e finding out what is about to go down.

-I am going to buy a tablet and start a web comic of my daily shenanigans. Maybe. This all depends on if I can overcome my intense need for perfection in my drawing, and the innate laziness that overtakes almost everything I do.

-I might upload some of the sketches I have drawn of the characters on DA. If I do, and if I remember, I will try to get links up on here. Not that anyone reads my blog. Probably. I get like one comment a month, so it is hard to tell.

-I have been sick for three weeks now. SHENANIGANS. I should probably go see the campus doctor, as I have an audition for a musical coming up.

-I may or may not be recording a song with my cousin this weekend. More on this to come.

Hmmm. I guess that is all for right now.

I am so pro that I put the pro in procrastination

2010-01-27T23:13:00.000-08:00

FDJSKALFABLARGHL

SCHOOL IS KICKING MY ASS ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Right. So basically I have not updated. That would be because SCHOOL IS KICKING MY ASS ALL OVER THE PLACE. Yeah. ALL OVER.

This is definitely divine retribution for when I was all "LYK LOLOL I HAVE AN EZ SEMESTER GAIS" before the semester started. Fucking. Mistake. I am now learning that taking non-Biology classes entails FAR more work than I thought was even possible.

I have HOMEWORK. What kind of self-respecting college professor gives homework? (Do not answer that question.)

Blah. Okay. So quick update on stuff that has been happening in my life while I have not been here.

1. Leo (the guy who got my mom preggers with me) randomly started contacting me again. This is the first time in about 10 years that I have been talking to him. Believe it or not I am being totally benevolent and talking to him and trying to be all forgiving and Christ like and blah blah blah. Long story short that shit is HARD. I keep typing stuff like "Yeah. I am really sorry about that even though you are a sorry bastard who was not in my life..." and then I have to backspace. It takes me about an hour to write these emails. But he has cancer, apparently, so I cannot really ignore him. That would be a total bitch move.

2. My cousin started DNB Entertainment. He wants to be a talent manager, and like I typed about two seconds ago, started a company. He has some tracks out (I think), and has asked me to record some stuff for him. I might be famous. FANFUCKINGTASTIC. Notoriety and attention is what I crave, afterall.

3. School is a bitch, and I recently decided that ACU is not the place I should be at, but I am kind of a JENIOR (Junior Senior Hybrid thing) so it would be super retarded for me to change schools at this point. So basically I am just going to make the most of my time here while quietly (or not so quietly) mocking and protesting everything I dislike about my university. Needless to say, I will be choosing Grad Schools WAAAAAAY more carefully.

4.The Murder Mystery is going well.

5. I should be doing homework right now, but instead I am writing this blogpost.

Alright. So I am going to do my Elementary Statistics (GAG ME) homework now. The only reason this class is even slightly redeemable, just in case you were wondering, is because I have the most awesome professor ever, who coincidentally used to be my counselor. CRAZY? I THINK SO.

2012 will really happen when China gets addicted to chocolate.

2010-01-18T17:01:00.000-08:00

Stupidest Idea Ever . Go ahead, read it POOMSOSA.

Yeah. You read that right. They built an 80 ton replica of the Great Wall of China out of chocolate to ENTICE CHINESE PEOPLE TO BUY MORE CHCOCOLATE.

What the hell. I mean, really, what message are these people sending to the people of China.

"Hey guys. You all do not eat enough chocolate, so we made a replica of one of your oldest and most beloved monuments out of the stuff. Which basically means you HAVE TO LOVE CHOCOLATE OR YOU DO NOT LOVE THE GREAT WALL WHICH MEANS YOU DO NOT LOVE CHINA. YOU HERITAGE IS IN QUESTION. Diabetic? TOO BAD!"

I can imagine how well that would go over with the Chinese. Not to mention they used dark chocolate, the WORST KIND.

I honestly do not see the problem with Chinese people not eating an abundance of chocolate. I mean, really. Too much chocolate can lead to an increase of sugar-related diseases and stuff, and I do not think China wants that either.

OH! And then there was the part about chocolate being as common in the West as fruit or milk.

I would like to know what western consumer in their right mind is all "Okay. Shopping list time. Let me start with the essentials: milk, cheese, bread, chocolate, fruit, butter..".

If you are that person, I will cut your head off because clearly something is wrong with you.

CHOCOLATE IS A LUXURY AN OCCASIONALLY A NEEDED BAKING GOOD. IT IS NOT A STAPLE EVEN IF YOU ARE WOMAN IN MID-MENSTRUAL CYCLE.

GAH. I mean people can get addicted to that stuff. Some people even become all zombie-esque and stuff.

Oh.My.God.

WHAT IF THE ENTIRE NATION OF CHINA GOT ADDICTED TO CHINA AND THEN TURNED INTO ZOMBIES?!?!

NOOOOOOOOOO!

China has BILLIONS of people. Shit. This is the beginning of 2012 guys. It is not a tectonic event. It is a zombie apocalypse.

Excuse me while I got destroy every bit of chocolate in my house. It is not much, but it is something.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

2010-01-17T11:04:00.000-08:00

Okay.

So over the past few months, I have helped my family members (i.e. Mother, Aunt, Grandmother, Uncle, etc) make Facebook accounts. I figured this would not be a problem because, you know, I do not put anything on my Facebook that I would not want my family to see. I am classy like that.

FAULTY ASSUMPTIONS 101:

Over the past month, my ENTIRE FAMILY has become addicted to Farmville, Fishville, and numerous other Facebook games that I used to play and quit because I got bored with them. My Aunt has made a FB account for her husband so she can play Farmville x2, and I also made the mistake of telling her that I had two alternate accounts. She plays on those, and sometimes on my main account.

My mom did the same thing for Gary, except she made an account so Kira would stay out of her stuff.

I have more home-bound friends on those accounts than I do on my account for myself.

And then, AND THEN, I get calls and emails, and FB messages and I think they even figure out how to telekinetic powers to contact me to ask about different FB things.

I am a fool who flew too close to the sun with wax-bound wings. Woe is me!

Haha, actually, I do not mind it that much because on the flip side I get to talk to my family a whole bunch more while I am off at college, which is A-OK by me because I kinda miss them.

ALSO! I gave my mother my old laptop, so now she has a mic and webcam and a working computer, so I can talk to them on Skype, which is really fun because I actually get to see my sister. Sure I cannot actually hug her, but it is better than not being able to see her at all.

Alright, so this was just a little random update to warn people against the perils of having your entire family on FB.

I have discovered a purpose for allergies

2010-01-14T20:19:00.000-08:00

Actual quote from two seconds ago: "My cussing is getting so much fucking better guys." Yeah. Any progress I made up until this point just flew out the window.

Also, I swear I just heard Ashleigh just say "Amber can I use your feces." She insists that she said "Amber can I use your tweezers?" but given her disposition toward saying random things, I think I am right.

Hahah. Right.

So, school started again, and we are almost one week in. If you want a reason for why I have not updated for eight plus days, then there you go. I have definitely been running around like a headless horseman (HAHA I BET YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO SAY HEADLESS CHICKEN RIGHT? GOTCHA!) trying to get everything sorted out and settled. Wooo. I love the beginning of the semester.

That was a lie. Bad me.

Right. So. I think the chaos and stress of the beginning of the semester, along with other more personal things have caused my fragile hold on sanity to snap. (If you just thought "Hey Amber, you had no grasp on sanity in the first place”, I am going to cut your head off POOMSOSA).

The other night I had this crazy dream that there was this crazy zombie cat that killed me. Except these people cast a Phoenix Down on me (I know, I know, I am a major game geek), and since I had been killed once, I was immune to its poison so they were like "Kill it or we will kill you". So I went through the whole dream battling this demon cat. I kept killing it, but because it was a cat it had nine lives, except since it was a zombie it had OVER 9000 lives. Yes. Vegeta really told me that in my dream (Also LOL MS Word’s spelling suggestion for Vegeta is Vegetate. New nick name? I think so). So I keep killing it, and someone videos it and shows /b/ from 4chan. And they get all up in arms and try to get me arrested because I they are awesome and have that kind of power, and also do not know that this cat will threaten all of humanity and destroy the internet (I know, this is all insane and geeky).

Right. So definitely I finally manage to reduce this cat to a small part of its head and a little scrap of its skin, so we think it is dead, but then the scraps TRY AND RIP OUT MY SPINE, except I had a flame thrower and flamed myself in the back and yelled “FLAME ON BITCH”, and that was the end of the evil zombie cat from hell. Except then another one showed up, so the first thing I did was rip out fangs so that it could not poison anyone, but it turned out that this cat was a magical wish granting cat that was coming to give me a bunch of wishes because I defeated its evil brother. I did not get the wishes because I hurt it, and also its magical powers spawned from its fangs.

I definitely woke up screaming “CURSE YOU IMPULSE VIOLENCE” really loud.

So yeah.

Can you IMAGINE what would happen if there was an evil zombie cat? I cringe at the thought. Cats are smart, and cunning, AND EVIL. They would infect their brethren and then take over the world, which would suck if they enslaved me because I am totally allergic to cats.

OH MY GOD! I COULD BE A HUMAN EVIL ZOMBIE CAT DETECTOR! JFKDLSAJFLKJADSKLFSADJBLARGL

I AM HYPERVENTILATING RIGHT NOW.

Seriously POOMSOSA! If these cats started to converge on other cats and humans, we could form task forces against them and ALLERGIES WOULD HAVE A PURPOSE OTHER THAN TORTURE.

YES YES YES YES YES!

Freaking yes.

I AM CLASSY

2010-01-06T22:54:00.000-08:00

POOOMMMSSSOOOOSSSAAAAAA

I am back with a new blog post FOUR DAYS AFTER MY LAST ONE!

Be proud of me or perish!

Right. Moving on.

So, it is a new year! We all know this.

That is why I bring you…..

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION 2010! (cue dramatic music)

I think that I have finally come up with a realistic resolution that I can adhere to.

What is my resolution, you ask?

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION 2010: STOP USING CONTRACTIONS WHEN I WRITE THINGS.

Now, I know what you are thinking POOMSOSA:

“But Amber, you are inherently lazy, and contractions are the lazy route. Why would you not use them?”

I, being the infinitely awesome person that I am, have an answer for you:

I WILL NOT USE CONTRACTIONS, SO THAT I WILL BE MORE CLASSY!

Which brings me to NEW YEAR RESOLUTION 2010 NUMBER TWO:

Be more inherently classy!

(Dear Eric, if you comment on my blog and tell me that I cannot be more inherently classy like you just did when you were screen watching me on my couch, I will stab you in the trachea. ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH CHRIST! Also, lol, I totally wrote “ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE FOR CHRIST at first cause I was thinking about myself and my subconscious apparently thinks I am Jesus. I am a total narcissist.)

I guess that being inherently more classy means I need to cut down on how much I swear, but if that is the price I must pay, then SO BE IT. CLASSY-NESS (and auto-searching word for curse words) IS IN MY FUTURE!

YEEEEEES

Right.

So other life happenings:

--I am officially back at school for the semester (which does not actually start until January 11th)

--Rehearsals for the Murder Mystery start on Sunday. I am "TEH EXCITEDSZORS"

--MY BESTIE IS MOVING IN WITH ME FOR THE SEMESTER! I think I will soon be losing Wendy, my other roomate who I think is terrified of me anyway because this is her first time in America, and I am pretty sure that I am the loudest American ever, and that Ashleigh (my bestie) is the second loudest American ever.

AND LOL I FOUND A BLOG THAT I WROTE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

Tracheotomy

HAHAHAHAH! I MADE MYSELF ROFL EVEN BACK THEN.

CAPSLOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR AWESOME

Okay, now that I have that out of my system, here is a little info on this blog:

It was called Idiot Deatomizer, and completely explains why I could not register this blog domain as subatomictomato.blogspot.com . I decided that most of the posts were really embarrassing and deleted all of them, but in my quest for attention and laughs, I decided to take the post that made me rofl really hard and put it on here as an insight for you all into my high school mind.

The act of doing this will make this post really long, so feel free to stop reading right now.

Also, I was apparently a lot more violent and a lot more angry at the world back then. So proceed with caution and the knowledge that I would never actually kill anyone unless it was in self-defense. So without further ado, here is a post from Idiot Deatomizer:

….HAHA GOTCHA!

Okay, here is the old post, for real this time.

….HAHA GOTCHA AGAIN!

Okay, here is the post for real.

Imagine this:

You are walking down the street, minding your own business, when you see a little old lady walking up a hill, pushing this REALLY shopping cart. What do you do?

A) Laugh and point and do nothing.

B) Laugh and point and then push her back down the hill.

C) Laugh and point and imitate her.

D) Actually grow some courage and go help the old lady.

If you picked A... You are stupid

If you Picked B... You are still stupid... Wait.... Hold on a second. Phone call.

It is Jesus.

Jesus uses smite button and hits Idiot for 15,624 points of damage.

Idiot was defeated by Jesus.

(If you do not get the reference, I would advise you to kindly stop using the internet.)

I you picked C... I hear there is a killer freak show coming to town. I bet you could kill their performing monkey and replace him. You have the talent.

If you picked D... You have obviously taken some kind of drugs or you might actually be some type of a good person. Congratulations.

Seriously. It is called COMMON COURTESY people. No, that is not some kind of disease.

Here, let me attempt to educate you "hoods" (as you insist on being called) for a second.

com•mon ( P ) (kmn)adj. com•mon•er, com•mon•est

Occurring frequently or habitually; usual.

cour•te•sy ( P ) (kûrt-s)n. pl. cour•te•sies

A. Polite behavior.

B. A polite gesture or remark.

Put two and two together and you might actually have some form of dignity.

I am sure you have a hard life. I am sure everyone is out to get you.

But hey, guess what.... I bet people would like you more if you actually cared about someone else. Maybe they might even help you.

Now I am not saying be a doormat or anything. By all means, do not do that. You might catch some nasty STD or something...

But if you see an old lady pushing three times her weight up a hill, help her.

No, I am not the nicest person in the world. No, I do not like people. Yes, I am fond of being cruel to them in text or verbal based ways.

You want to know the difference between me and a psychopath killer?

I do stuff for other people, occasionally. And no, that does not include murdering them to put them out of their misery.

You know those hobos out on the street? Yeah, guess what, not all of them are lazy bozos who do not want to get a job. Some of them have excuses. Like...well... low minimum wage. Some homeless people even have jobs. They are not just there to drain the welfare system, and they are not there to irritate you.

NEWSFLASH: Other people live in this world too.

NEWSFLASH: You have to live on this world with those other people.

It would make things a hell of a lot easier if people just decided to help others every once in a while. But it is like people have this ungodly allergic reaction to the little verb known as "help".

Here is an example:

OMGOMGOMG! YOU ACTUALLY EXPECT ME TO HELP THAT INVALID? WHY CAN HE NOT JUST GET UNPARALZYED AND FEED HIMSELF! GOD! DRAIN ON THE ECONOMYBLAHBLAHBLAH.....

And then little Cindy is hit by a bus and becomes an invalid herself. And guess what? NO ONE HELPS HER EITHER.She then becomes an invalid and dies of starvation.

KARMA IS A BITCH, IS IT NOT?

So next time you have the urge to laugh at some unfortunate other being, put yourself in their shoes... and then beat yourself with a courtesy manual.

Wherein my sister reduces my Christmahannukah-esque holiday into smoldering ruins

2010-01-03T13:54:00.000-08:00

Okay. I haven't updated my blog since Christmas, but that's a considerably smaller time window than normal. That gives me bonus points right?

Ahaha. Right. Moving on.

So basically what happened was that we had like, a Hanukkah type Christmas for no apparent reason other than people just didn't want to meet on Christmas day. Which is, you know, just plain disrespectful.

So Christmas day number one was the actual day of Christmas. I posted that day, so we all know how that goes.

Christmas day number two was the 26th when my mom finally decided to show up with my little sister. Basically my Mom called and was like "We want Kira to have Christmas day at home for once in her life. She never has before."

To which I replied "Wow, thanks Mom. The one time she has I was there."

I'm pretty sure that means that my mom just automatically forgets about situations with me in them because she has Kira now and can focus on her.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL Jk. I hope my mom doesn't read this because if she does she's going to call and be like "AMBER ROSE! I AM SICK OF YOUR BULLSHIT!" and then I will laugh and banter with her. She will be unappreciative. Kind of like my sister when she opened her presents.

Which brings me to Christmas #2:

Kira had OVER 9000 presents under the tree when she got here. I was excited because the best presents she got were from me. Mostly because I was the one who got her what she has been asking for all year.Okay. I'm getting ahead of myself. So she opens her presents and is really excited about the Bumblebee Transformer helmet I got her, and she's excited about the Jr. Microscope kit I got her because, for some reason I can't explain, she wants to be just like me when she grows up, and therefore has to be able to do science.

What she doesn't know is that the best Christmas present ever for her is waiting under the tree. Well, technically it was for her and my mom, because well, Kira is six years old. This will all make sense in a second.

So she finishes opening her OVER 9000 presents, and is all "I am le sad because there are no more presents."

On a side not, GOD I hope she doesn't turn out like this kid ever.

Okay, so then I'm all "VOILA! KIRA! This is a present for you from me."

And she tears the paper open, all excited. She gets to the brown box beneath the paper, and eagerly opens that to find a new laptop for their house, and promptly goes...

"Oh. A new laptop." Shoves it at my mom, and goes to play with some cheap ass toy cars my aunt got her.

WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?!?!

I GOT HER A LAPTOP AND SHE'S JUST GOING TO DIS IT FOR SOME FREAKING MATCHBOX KNOCK OFF CARS?!

I am displeased.

Children are fickle.

I think maybe this was a lesson from Jesus that Christmas is about Him and not giving gifts. But still..... KNOCK OFF MATCHBOX CARS? C'mon! IT could have at least been something cool, like the Transformer helmet.

Excuse me while I go and cry in the darkness. QQ

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T20:50:00.000-08:00

Normal blog titles, I am capable of them! BWAHAH!

Right, so Merry Christmas to whoever reads my drabbles on here. Bwahaha.

Now on to more important matters.

So imagine this, POOMSOSA:

You (and by you I mean me, of course) are creating a profile on MSN. You go to type Velociraptor into your interest box and quickly become enraged that it is not in the Mozilla Firefox auto-correct (MFAC) dictionary. (Side note: This WILL be rectified. I'm sending an email as soon as I'm done with this blog post)

Deciding to be smug and see what inferior term that MFAC suggests to correct the spelling, you right click and find this.

Yes. You read that right. Fucking Velocipedes.

TERROR ENSUES!

Except replace terror with awe and delight and the imaginings of a giant mutant centipede speeding around Earth, at my command, wreaking havoc and stealing candy from small children, and then you have the real picture.

Clearly, I am amused and excited.

Except THEN my jerk bag friend points out that Velocipedes are not centipedes on crack. They are not even MILLIPEDES (psh pansy non-poisonous inferior insects) that are faster than a speeding bullet.

OH no. Nothing that cool. Velocipedes are freaking NINETEENTH CENTURY BICYCLES!

Amber is NOT amused, ladies and gentlemen, not amused at all.

Firstly, whoever named "veloci"pedes CLEARLY knew nothing about the human language. I'm no Lance Armstrong, but I'm pretty sure those "velocipedes" are not fast at all. They look like they would have negative velocity going in the positive x direction.

This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back in time and slap someone with a frozen salmon, and then surprise tracheotomy them while simultaneously destroying their retinas.

AMBER MAD! AMBER SMASH!

Also, if you're looking for a secondly, I can't think of one. My bad.

Okay. Now that I'm off my soapbox, here's some stuff that's actually happening in my life:

1. I decided that I want to go into stem-cell research. Rest assured that you will be hearing about my research into grad schools and articles and stuff as I am amazed. (They already grew a trachea. This could come in handy with the amount of surprise tracheotomies I threaten to give on a daily basis.)

2. My best friend is visiting from California with my other new best friend Meg. YAY!

3. IT'S CHRISTMAS! JESUS WAS BORN TODAY HUZZAH!

Anyway, I think I'm done with this post. Go eat some last minute Christmas cookies and enjoy the rest of your holiday!

Why do you make me judge you America?

2009-12-18T13:52:00.000-08:00

Okay. I normally don't have a problem with giant conglomerate corporations. Honestly, they give me cheap stuff to buy, and I am poor, so that's okay with me. When I'm older and have more money and a real job, I will try and buy more expensive stuff that is probably made more ethically.

Whatever.

I can deal with a lot of stuff, but when Walmart starts to discriminate against people, I get ANGRY! And trust me, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry. It's like the Hulk Smash, except ten times less epic and destruction-y.

Right. So the other day I'm chillin' in my local Walmart, and I come upon the hosiery section. If you don't know what that is, use the blatant context clues coming up, or look it up on a dictionary. Okay, so I'm in the hosiery section, and I look down to see "Brown Sugar" pantie hose. So I"m all "Cool. That African American lady looks okay with that remark, and I'm okay with it. OOH! I wonder what they call white people pantie hose, or Mexican pantie hose, or Native American, or Asian. This is a whole new world for me. I'm excited."

So I looked around. And all they had were these pantie hose called "Leggs" and some other generic kind and "Brown Sugar". That's it.

What.The Hell.

Where are the White Sugar, Caramel Lovin', and Maize Delight brands?

I AM OFFENDED THAT THEY ARE NOT OFFENDING ME WITH THEIR RACIALLY INSENSITIVE REMARKS!

Honestly, if you're going to be racist, Walmart, you need to offend everyone equally. I mean, hell, you're being racist in your racism. That's totally NOT CLASSY.

Grr.

OH! And then!

AND THEN

I see this article about a golden ratio for beauty.

What the hell is that all about? I mean seriously. You expect me to measure my face to see if it has the correct measurements to be mathematically and scientifically beautiful.

I can just imagine what trend this is going to set off. Pretty soon plastic surgeons are going to learn how to make people's eyes closer together, and their faces shorter, and people are going to be like

"OMG GAIS I AM SO PRETTY!" when really they're going to look like effed up goldfish.

Then people are going to start majoring in "Facial Beauty Science", and they'll have text books about how to beautiful, and pretty soon everyone is a clone of Shania Twain, and I'll refuse to get the surgery and these crazy ass surgeons will be all "CONFORM! ALL OF AMERICA MUST BE BEAUTIFUL!!!!" and then I'll be all "FUCK THAT! I AM BEAUTIFUL YOU JERKS!" and I'd be running all over the place dodging crazy people with over sized scalpels. But it'll be okay because I'm the freaking Raptor Empress, so I'll just sick my raptors on them, and there will be an epic battle, and I will win......

OH my God. This sounds like Inuyasha!!!

Just kidding. This is a much better plot than Inuyasha.

FJDSKLFJDLAS

And they also made a GREY'S ANATOMY video game for the Wii. WHAT THE HELL?!?

It's time for some Retina Stabbing.

OH MY GOD NOVEMBER DISAPPEAREDEDEDED

2009-12-17T23:34:00.000-08:00

....and by "disappearedededed" I really mean "disappeared" which really means that I was lazy/ busy with school/ in an insane asylum/ many other things and didn't post. My bad. I might actually get serious about blogging now, though, POOMSOSA--

HEY! Don't roll your eyes at me and think that this is the same old song and dance that you've heard before(even though it totally is). I will stab you. In the retina.

That's right. RETINA.STABBING.

I've moved up in the world.

Okay. So, in light of the fact that I went all narcoleptic-y for the ENTIRE MONTH OF NOVEMBER (and most of October, shut up conscience they didn't need to know that), I've decided to give you a little re-cap of what's been going on in my life. (It's totally not even a re-cap though because you haven't even had the cap...cap? I don't know how this works. Whatever. I'm moving on.)

TOP TEN CRAZY THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED IN AMBER'S LIFE (KIND-OF)RECENTLY

1. CORN BECAME A SENTIENT BEING. I hate to say I told you so, but I TOLD YOU SO!

2.My sister turned into a unicorn. Seriously, I have proofs. Here is your PIC OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN:

3. I became the newest Picasso and met a killer Penguin.

4. I found out that my mom is REALLY A FOUR YEAR OLD IN A THIRTY NINE YEAR OLD'S BODY!!!!!!

5. Walmart came out with a new, yet discreet, line of expensive polyester hand bags. AKA they are more over-priced now. Hurray!

6. HITLER Conquered the Smiley Face!!!!!!!

7. I judged the world to be at a NEW ALL TIME LOW!

8. Walmart ran out of Eggo Waffles. How does that even happen?

9. An I-Hop waiter gave me and my friends LEMONS AND SANS-LEMONS!

10. And last, but CERTAINLY NOT LEAST *Drum roll*:

Tiger Woods is going to play The Grinch in a new Christmas movie***

***This is not confirmed in any way possible.

So yeah, that's my life in a nutshell over the past couple of months. Hopefully I'll get back to actually posting.

Why the hell do you suddenly have two blogs?

2009-12-17T23:32:00.001-08:00

Well, that's a good question. In light of recent..."developments" in my life,I have decided that ignoring my intellect and acting like a completely insane and sarcastic ass all the time is probably not a good idea.

THEREFORE! I have decided to have two blogs: One blog where I rant about random stuff, one that is SPECIFICALLY NOT PG RATED!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- IMPORTANT SHIT

^
|

IMPORTANT SHIT!

Oh,and then the other one is going to be me actually talking about stuff in the world that I read about, and care enough about to share my opinion on. It will be full of humor and wit (hopefully), but will have actual sentiment. Hopefully.

Okay. I'm off to actually write something for the first time in months.

Well of course not

2009-10-06T20:01:00.000-07:00

Well, of course not.

Honestly.If I were a ninja I wouldn't be able to be found on the internet either people. The entire premise of being a ninja is that you are stealthy enough to kill people and not get killed yourself. It isn't like we're talking about James Bond or something.

So I don't really have much to talk about in this blog post. I just thought that the fact that www.iamaninja.com cannot be found was ironic.

In other news, I REALLY want an adorable Raptor plushie/stuffed animal. And yes, it has to be ADORABLE. If I can't find an adorable Raptor plushie/stuffed animal, I will settle for a similar looking dinosaur.

Also, T-Rex babies are freaking adorable. They would be acceptable too.

WANT!

To end this post, I'm going to leave you all with a list of words I think are bad ass:

Lipid
Rancid
Shenanigans
Tracheotomy
Ligand
Cupric
Ephemeral
Bamboozled
Mongoloid
Zimbabwean
Affidavit

There are probably more,but I can't really think because it feels like someone is pouring acid down my throat.

If you even think about arguing with me about how that was a ridiculous statement because my throat and my capacity to think are not connected, I will cut your head off.

AH! I went so many posts without threatening to cut your heads off too, POOMSOSA. Why do you make me theoretically hurt you?

Tortilla Chips Are LIARS!

2009-10-03T11:49:00.000-07:00

First of all: HOLY SHIT! THIS IS THE MOST AWESOME CAR I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE I WAAAAAAAAANT IT!
Okay, now that my fangirl urges are over, let's talk about life.

As most of you do not know, I have a SECRET FAMILY RECIPE for salsa--- I need to interrupt myself here and say that there is definitely something very wrong with me because I just got upset that a talking golden retriever didn't come bounding into the room when I typed SECRET FAMILY RECIPE. Or is it TV's fault for conditioning me to think that all Golden Retrievers can A) Talk and B) Plot to steal my SECRET FAMILY RECIPE. Damn, it didn't work again. I'm like Pavlov's dogs except I'm not a dog, and TV isn't a sentient being masterminding an experiment.

Or is it? AHHHHHHH! WHAT IF TV IS CONTROLLING MY ANDROID FRIENDS? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I think I need medicine. Right. Now that I'm done hyperventilating, I have serious business to talk about.

I am taking Tia Rosa Tortilla chips to court. Well, I don't actually have a lawsuit filed or anything, but its coming soon. Why am I doing this?

EXHIBIT A:

Seriously Tia Rosa, "Tradition you can taste"?

You can't taste tradition. At all. And don't tell me you can, POOMSOSA.

Tradition is a noun, and you can't taste nouns. Morons. FJKLDSAJFLKSAD

I HATE LIARS!

Tradition you can taste....

I call shenanigans. And a lawyer.

This is why people think I am insane/on drugs.

2009-09-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

So I have time in between my classes, and I decided to write a blog post.

Hurray!

Okay, so recently there has been an increase in the number of people who ask me if I am on drugs or insane.

While I don't object to being asked if I'm insane, I do mind being asked if I'm on drugs. Mostly because, you know, I'm NOT on drugs.

Right. In lieu of this sudden influx of "are you on drugs kthxbai" questions, I decided that maybe there might be a reason everyone thinks I'm on drugs.

HELL YEAH SUPER HAPPY SHERLOCK HOLMES INVESTIGATION TIME! (I totally just yelled that out loud and got a bunch of really weird looks.

......Reason number one everyone thinks I'm on drugs: I yell random things that I think in public. Also, I spontaneously burst into laughter at inappropriate moments.

Right, so in this HYSHSHIT (LOL IT ENDS IN SHIT! IF YOU PRONOUNCE IT THE WAY I DO IN MY HEAD IT SOUNDS LIKE HIESH SHIT! HAHAHHAHAHAH! I AM IN MIDDLE SCHOOL LOL POOP JOKES!) I swear to God I didn't plan that acronym out...

OKAY! So in this HYSHSHIT (*giggle), I've discovered that I am pretty much the most drugged up person not on drugs I know.

Why? Here, I'll give you some examples in case any of you POOMSOSA have never personally talked to me:

Example Uno: My current status on Facebook

" Amber Deschamps R IS FOR RAPTOR CHILDREN! RAARRRRARARARARRRRAAAAARRRRRRRRR! *raptor noises*"

Subsequent comment conversation on said status:

KRB:I don't even want to know.

Amber (AKA ME):Yes you do. Also, I want a pet dinosaur.

KRB: Too bad.

Amber: You're mean! Just wait until I perfect cloning! I WILL BE NOT ONLY THE RAPTOR EMPRESS, BUT THE DINOSAUR OVERLORD! MWAHAH!! IT WILL BE LIKE T-REX CITY IN YOUR ROOM! RARARARARAAAARARAAAR *raptor noises*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/\~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DUNANAHNAH ~~(vvvv)~~~ JAWS BITCH!

......Right.

Example two: My way of consoling/offering help to the sick

Amber: Oh no. How are you feeling?

Christa: lol not good

Amber: I'm sorry :( IS there anything I can do? I can totally make microscopic missiles to attack the germs that are making you sick.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Example three: A text message conversation I had:

Random number that texted me: Thank you

Me: WHO IS THIS? ARE YOU STALKING ME? I WARN YOU I HAVE GUARD RAPTORS! THIS IS A COMPLETELY TRUE STORY!

Random Number that texted me: nice... This is lars....

~~~~~~~ <(x.x)> ~~~~~~~~~~ DROWNED KIRBY!

Yeah. I'm sure there are a bunch more examples out there, but I'm tired of giving them, so I'm done.

PEACE LOVE AND RAPTORS!

Mother Nature is a Pervert

2009-09-23T14:33:00.001-07:00

So apparently you should not do this.

Go ahead, read it. It's AWESOME.

....

HOLY SHIT!

I can't even imagine having a PLASTIC OBJECT EMBEDDED IN MY FREAKING LUNG. I mean, how do you even inhale something that big? Wouldn't it like, slice your lung or something?

I mean, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that lung tissue is not, you know, made of STEEL or anything. I'm pretty sure it's all soft and fleshy, and tissue-y and stuff.

But I'm not expert.

And then! AND THEN! OH MY GOD! THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS FIGHT THE MAN, RIGHT FREAKING HERE: "'One doctor said they could remove my lung,' Manley said. 'I said no way. That was the easiest way for them, and I said I didn't think so.'"

See, this is how that conversation would have gone with me:

Me: "Seriously guys? Remove my lung that is mostly functioning instead of just removing the foreign object cause you don't really know how to do it? No way!"

Doctor: "I understand your anxiety, but this is a very delicate situation. Removing the entire lung would be a much easier alternative for us..."

Me: "Easier for you? What about you know, the FACT THAT I HAVE TO BREATHE?!"

Doctor: "Here. Let's cut a deal. You let us take your lung out because it is easier, and we'll let you keep it in a jar. We'll even put some of those googly eyes on it. You can keep it as a pet."

Me: "Can you give it raptor teeth?"

Doctor: "Yep."

ME:"DEAL! Let's do it!"

So God bless you, sir, for not letting them make a googly eyed raptor out of your lung.

So moral of the story: I'm not very good at fighting the man when it comes to raptors.

Hahah.

Right, so actual stuff that happened in my life.

This morning, in my Ecology class, my mild mannered professor decided to teach us about strange flowers.

I'm not going to lie, I wasn't really paying complete attention. I was trying to set the blinds on fire with my mind.

If you say that I'm insane, I swear I will cut your head off.

Right. So back to the part I'm not paying attention.

So I'm not paying attention, until all the sudden my peripheral hearing picks up on this gem:

"So this flower's common name is the Giant Penis flower.... Yeah, I know sorry.... Oh, and it smells rank too... The little girl in the picture is even holding her nose!"

I don't think you can imagine how awkward the room got right then.

Hell, I don't think I can imagine how awkward it got in the room, and I was there.

I think we should pair it with this flower thing. Then it'd be a party.

You can't tell me that Mother Nature isn't a pervert.

Oh, comments are highly appreciate, by the way.

JFDSKALJFLSABLARGL ANDROIDS ARE TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!

2009-09-21T08:15:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting in class right now. Yes, yes. I know. I should be paying attention.

Honestly, I don't think I could care any less about the class I'm in right right now if I tried. I really am kind of paying

OH MY GOD!

Professor: What was that phrase that uh... that President Clinton used alot?
Me: I did not have sex with that woman!

That was not the answer he was looking for. I may or may not have been glared at.

Right. So I've recently been catching up on different webcomics that I kind of knew existed but didn't really have enough energy/ un-laziness to go read them. One of these comics is XKCD.

Now, as an intelligent human being, I know that most of the situations portrayed in these comics are not plausible at all. Unfortunately, one of these comics has made me question my assumptions of the world, universe, and everything.

Go ahead, read it. I'll be doing something completely unrelated to this blog while you do.

....

Now, POOMSOSA, I know that you know that Susan knows that I know that Barbara knows that.... Wow I'm a terrible gossiper. I have no idea what's going on right now.

Okay, so I know that you all know that I have some semblance of intelligence. I originally freaked out about this comic, then I got over it. And all was well.

MISTAKE! ABORT MISSION!

I was merely in the eye of the storm.

I swear to God, that this is an actual situation and conversation that I just had with a "friend" on Facebook/Meebo FB chat:

Amber: I only like talking about things that have to do with me! SUPER EGO!!!!

Kris: Narcissistic tendencies much? O.o

Amber:lol No, not at all.

Kris: Got something really ugly? Put it in the Gallery of the Utterly Ugly to enter to win the gorgeous, sleek, and fashionable new LG Bliss.
facebooklink.com

Amber: ...............What the hell?
OH GOD! You're a ROBOT! I KNEW IT

Kris: Its from an ad on my facebook page. There's a picture of a really ugly cat beside it.

Amber:I don't believe you!!!!!!

Kris: If I were a robot, I'd have super strength.....and a shiny metal ass

Amber: http://bit.ly/1628nB
QUICKLY! RESPOND TO THIS CAPTCHA SO I CAN CONFIRM YOUR IDENTITY

Kris: You dieded

Amber:I died?How did I die?

Kris: No, dieded

Amber:WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!?!?!>>

Kris:Facebook said you did anyway

Amber: I think you're secretly a bot.

Kris:You have no proof to back up this claim
:P mwuhaha

Amber:: Did you go to my captcha?

Kris:(UnsortedList)
bool IsEmpty(UnsortedList)
void InitializeList(UnsortedList&)
int main () {
UnsortedList list1

Damn and blast
stupid programming haha

Amber: ............ I'm defriending you now.
you now*
Freaking keyboard and it's sticky keys.

Kris: O.o But then I'd be lonely...

Amber:I'm sure you have other computer programs you can talk to Gollum Bot

Kris:Most of them only speak Binary though And they're all boring

Amber:001 10100010 Lol
I don't know binary

Kris: Its not all that hard, its just long and annoying to say anything in

Amber:Well that sucks.I can see why you computer bots want to branch out and......
Holy shit. You're an android. You computer programs somehow managed to create a humanoid body and upload your programming to it.
AHHHHHHHHH

Kris:In order to protect my secrets I may have to end your life.....

Amber:Bring it on. I'll turn you into a pile of silicone and wiring rubble.
And not in the good way either.

Kris:What makes you think there's only one version of me?

Amber:.......OH dear God.
Excuse me while I hyperventilate.

I don't want to be an amputee, but if I have to be I want to be a complete BAMF like this guy.

2009-09-18T16:26:00.000-07:00

OH MY GAWD.

So I decided to make a trip home this weekend, and I made it all safe. Except for this random truck that almost hit me even though I had my blinker on for ten years before I actually turned.

Asshole.

Right. So I came home, an my cousin is looking at all these tattoos, so I start looking at some to help him find a bad ass tattoo, and I FOUND THE FUNNIEST/COOLEST TATTOO EVER!

BAMF TATTOO!

HE HAS AN EFFING SHARK TATTOO ON HIS AMPUTEE NUB! WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT!

I am in complete and total awe right now. I don't even think you know.

I can't even IMAGINE having a tattoo as bad ass as that.

Also, that man is a genius. Because he kinda looks like a guy who goes to bars and parties a lot. And imagine if he got drunk and got into a fight with something, or like some gang member had to kill someone in that bar to be initiated. Normally you would go for the weakest link in the bar, and umm.. yeah, if you're gonna go after a bunch of drunk people in a bar, the less arms the better.

So he's all at a disadvantage because he has one arm. So the gangster is all "I'm gonna bust a cap! YEAH YEAH!" and all walks over there and BAM! SHARK NUB! The gangster is so impressed and afraid that he runs the hell away.

If I am ever an amputee, I'm getting a tattoo exactly like that. Nothing could be better.

.....

HOLY.EFFING.SHIT

RAPTORS!

RAPTOR AMPUTEE TATTOO!

FKSDLJLKSDJFSDSAGARBL!

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Excuse me while I go cut off my arm.

Facebook made my Chinese roomate think I'm a serial killer.

2009-09-13T14:14:00.000-07:00

So here is the deal: I suck at updating.

Now that we have that out of the way, I have important stuff to talk about.

Okay, the importance of what I'm about to say is debatable, but whatever. Semantics, my dear Watson.

Right. So I've been crazy busy doing stuff for the past ten years. And by ten years, I mean however long it's been since I updated.

School started, and with it came a bunch of responsibilities.

Did I tell any of you how the university let me be responsible for a bunch of impressionable freshmen?

.... I'll take that outraged look as a no.

That's right POOMSOSA, I'm influencing freshmen. BWAHAH. So far I haven't done anything too insane. Except maybe told one of them that a raptor would eat them if they didn't study. Surprisingly enough, they didn't believe me. 19 year olds are not as impressionable as six year olds. Who would have guessed.

Right.

I'm also teaching a section of the freshmen Biology lab again this year.

OH MY GOD! POOMSOSA!

One of my students told me that some former students called me a really mean and hard TA.

I AM SO EFFING HAPPY!

....Right. So my iPod is on shuffle, and a song called Knife Fight just came one. Some of the lyrics, I kid you not, are: "I'm gonna cut you, swish swish swish.... I'm gonna make you bleed copious amounts." I think I just found a new theme song for life.

Okay. Okay. There's so much I need to get across in this post! GAH!

So the basic point of all my rambling is that I have three jobs and classes and I'm in another show this semester. Hurray! I love being busy.

Okay. So Eric just walked into my house yelling "Don't be naked!" LOL Gay guys. Most of my friends would probably walk in yelling "PLEASE BE NAKED."

Just kidding guys, if you actually do that I will cut your head off.

Alright, so another random thing happened in my life: I got a Chinese roomate who is actually FROM CHINA.

At first I was like "Oh God. A roomate I don't know."

Then I got glared at by a bunch of my friends and people I know because I'm Christian and I'm supposed to give everyone a chance and love them (but I don't actually have to like them, so it's totally okay. Haha JK Jesus, please don't smite me).

Okay I probably shouldn't say JK to Jesus....

Right. Chinese roomate.

So yeah, I ended up accepting her and being like "HELL YEAH! I get to learn stuff about a new culture! THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME!"

And is it?

NO! Wendy NEVER comes out of her room, and she doesn't speak English very well. I really want to get to know her better, for serious, but I think she's scared of me or something, though I can't imagine why. ......

Okay maybe I can, but I try really really really hard not to scare her.

Oka... there was this one time she walked in when I was in the middle of screaming at my new computer because Facebook was being retarded and kept interrupting me typing in another window every time someone messaged me, and that might have scared her, but it WAS NOT MY FAULT. Facebook was being EFFTARDED and kept interrupting me! GAH! How was I supposed to know she was going to walk in at that moment?

Hell, does that weird Facebook thing happen to anyone else? Because it really pisses me off. Cause I talk to like, a thousand people at once, so they're constantly messaging me.

And this time that Wendy walked in, I was trying to write a really important email and every ten seconds people would message me and make me have to click the Facebook tab and then click back to the email, which normally isn't so bad, but when you have to do it every nano second you kinda get upset and the next thing you know you're screaming "I WILL CUT YOUR FINGERS OFF AND FEED THEM TO A DEAD PORCUPINE IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE HELL UP AND STOP MESSAGING ME!" at your computer, and then your Chinese roomate walks in and looks at you like you're a monster and never speaks to you again.

God. Facebook RUINS EVERYTHING.

P.S. Roomate is totally a word. Suck my left toe Blogspot spell checker.

My job performance is suffering because of raptors. Something is wrong with me.

2009-08-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I tend to do strange stuff when I get bored, POOMSOSA.

I think this much is apparent.

Don't look at me like I'm on LSD. I told you I'm not. God. If you say I'm on some other drug, I swear I will cut your head off.

Right, so I didn't have much to do tonight for some reason. It was really strange, and also kind of nice. Carrie took me out to eat, and we went to Walmart to get her a lanyard. This should not have been a hard task, but Carrie may or may not have been acting like a two year old, so yeah. What should have taken us ten minutes tops took forty five. Then again, this could have to do with the fact that FIVE WALMART ASSOCIATES LIED TO ME! Seriously. They told me that the lanyards were in the home section, then the gardening section, then the sports section, and a bunch were too lazy to help me look so they were all "I don't know".

I think that's the reason that they are called ASSociates instead of employees.

Haha jerks. Your employer is mocking you.

.....Right.

So yeah, Forty five minutes later we left Walmart lanyard-less, but I did find a totally rockin' plant for three dollars that I named the Eccentric Emperor Leopold, or EEL for short. Yes, I planned it that way. Represent.

So we get home, and Carrie puts on Across the Universe, and blah blah blah, an hour later I'm bored.

So I'm sitting around Facebook surfing, which is totally NOT the same as Facebook stalking, and I come across something about pirates on my friend Rebecca's profile. Which was ironic because she was actually on her way over at this point to bring Carrie something. Haha. Irony.

I'm not certain that was irony, but roll with it POOMSOSA. Right. So I'm reading about pirates, and then I'm all " Pirates are awesome-- I'm really bored. I should do something all craft like. Oooh! I could go all June Cleaver on those sandwich bags-- RAPTORS ARE AWESOME TOO! OH MY GOD! RAPTOR HAND PUPPETS YES! THIS IS A BITCHIN SWEET IDEA!"

So long story short, I made a raptor handpuppet. He is AWESOME. His name is Fuzzalufagus the Supreme Velociraptor Ruler of All.

Also, I was totally supposed to go to a meeting for my peer leader job, but I got so super distracted by making Fuzzalufagus that I totally forgot. Yeah.

Does referring to your best friend as meat puppet make you a bad person?

I am the Raptor Empress

2009-08-18T19:30:00.000-07:00

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, you read the title right. I am the Raptor freaking Empress.

Don't look all skeptical like at the screen. I will totally cut you.

Okay, I will totally metaphorically cut you.

Okay, so here is what down: I had a prophetic dream last night. What was the prophesy of the dream? That I became the Raptor Empress and ruled the world with an iron fist...er.... iron claws.

AHHHHH! I'm SO EXCITED FOR THE FUTURE!

Okay, okay. I need to describe to you the prophetic dream.

Basically I woke up in this stone room surrounded by people and raptors, and all sorts of creatures like unicorns and dragons, and yeah, it was pretty BA. No freaking lie.

So they're all whispering and looking at me all concerned like when I woke up, so I sit up and I'm all "What are you all looking at? You're a bunch of mythical creatures. Surely there is something more interesting in this room than I am."

Except after I said that I was totally like "Shit, these creatures all used to seeing each other. I'm such an insensitive Biah."

Except before I could say that they started talking to me in some mystical language, and I was like, except it wasn't really that mystical because it sounded like a bunch of clicks and whistles and grunts, so yeah, I was all "Uhh...excuse me, I don't know what click click whistle touch your tongue to your nose means. Can you put that in English por favor."

Which was probably really inconsiderate because I said please in Spanish, and they were already more than confused by my use of English.

But then this big ass Kangaroo thing appeared out of no where and was all like.

"Greetings, Oh Great One"

I don't think I need to tell you that this got my attention pretty quick.

So then the Kangaroo is all like "I know you must be confused, but don't fear. I will teach you everything. We've brought you to this world because you are our only hope,"

At which point I had to interrupt, and I was all "Does this whole being your only hope thing involve effort on my part?"

But the Kangaroo just ignored me and told me I was the Raptor Empress and that I was supposed to defeat the evil Baraccagnoc.

Don't ask me how I know how to spell the name. I just do. It's ingrained in my being. He is my mortal enemy.

Right. So long story short I'm the Raptor Empress, and I'm going to save the world.

The end.

You may bow and exalt now.

I am NOT Asexual. Myth Busted.

2009-08-01T17:11:00.000-07:00

So people have recently been asking me if I'm Asexual.

Okay, they definitely haven't said it that way, but I know people are wondering if I'm attracted to any human beings ever.

They do have good reason to ask this. I don't really go on and on about how attractive guys are or anything like that. This is mostly because I'm terrified that the instant I say anything people are going to be like "OH MY GOD! AMBER HAS A CRUSH ON THIS PERSON!" When I don't. I seriously hate that crap. It is the stuff of my Angermares. If you don't know what an Angermare is, something is wrong with you. True story.

Anyway, the musical is going very well. We lost our first Jesus and got a new one. Wow. That sounds really sacrilegious and terrible. Ahahah. We also got two more guys, Will and Tommie. All three are hilarious and fairly attractive. Wow. I feel really awkward typing about this. Oh well. I have to do this so that people will get the point that I am not Asexual or a lesbian.

No, I really don't like any of them that way. Just saying.

Anyway, the New Jesus, well, he's pretty awesome and funny. Also his name is Lars, which is pretty much automatic win. No joke.

I'm probably a terrible person for thinking this, but I definitely expected the big burly hot lumberjack type guy to come barreling into rehearsal when he started. Then again, I also expected him to have a German accent, carry a gun strapped to his back and wear one of those strips of cloth tied around his forehead with camo pants and a bandolier of bullets across his chest, so my expectations were really high (not to mention highly unrealistic).

Lars looks nothing like this. He's only a little taller than me, and is muscular skinny, and has a mustache thing that he can curl. According to about ten people he looks like a younger John Lennon, but what the hell do I know?

I'm pretty sure every single girl in the history of ever is like "OH MY
GOD LARS" every time they see him, except me. And no, I'm not just talking about girls in the cast. I'm talking about every girl in the history of ever. Seriously.

He is a very lucky man. Or so I'm told.

I say all of this not in ridiculous fan-girly praise of him.

I say it to prove how much of a social idiot I am.

Seriously guys. I don't know any girls who would have an attractive guy come and sit ridiculously close to them and then be all freaked out. I also don't know many girls who would refuse to be part of a massage line with guys in it because they'd have to be touched by people, and one of those people might be a guy.

If you call me a lesbian I swear I'm going to cut your head off.

See, I don't particularly like to be touched, so none of these things appeal to me. I have this severe case of touch-o-phobia, or whatever the hell it's actually called.

I'm also aware that I have to get over this particular quirk if I plan to be in any form of theatre.

Let me just say that since Lars and Tommie made their grand appearances, the cast has been all "Let's play 'How Awkward Can We Make Amber Feel Before She Runs Away Screaming?' It's all the rage with the kids these days."

I would say this is unfortunate, but it's really doing wonders for me with my touch-o-phobia.

Seriously, someone touched me the other day and I didn't try to attack them. It was great fun.

Then there is Tommie, who I'm pretty sure is my favorite male on the entire face of the planet, and that's saying something because I'm supposedly "asexual".

Seriously though. Tommie is pretty much the funniest person I've ever met. He makes me laugh at least a bajillion times at rehearsal everyday, and he's so spontaneous that you never know when to expect it. I'm pretty sure he's going to make me explode my lungs from laughing so much. So yeah, if you hear about my death on the news because of suffocation, you know who to blame.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2009-07-30T14:53:00.000-07:00

I need to update this blog. Badly. Updates are coming, as soon as I have room to breathe.

Shut the hell up, I know that I'm actually breathing because I'm not dead.

I'll update as soon as I can.

Also, I probably shouldn't tell any readers I have to shut the hell up. I hear it is bad form.

More to come on this later.

My car had a midlife crisis and so can you!

2009-07-10T07:32:00.000-07:00

So my car broke down yesterday.

I know, I know. I accept your gratuitous and completely unnecessary apologies because they are a form of attention, but don't grovel too long, POOMSOSA, I have important shit to tell you guys about.

Except by important I mean ridiculous and frivolous.

You know what a really cool word is? Frivolity. Seriously, say it a few times. It'll put a smile on your face.

.....

I really need to stop getting distracted by random carp.... I totally just meant to type crap. I think that typo is funny so I'm leaving it there. Yeah.

Okay, so my car broke down on the way to musical rehearsal yesterday. In the middle of no where. Near Sunset. In Texas. Also, I had three other people in the car.

YAY ADVENTURES!

So this is how it went down. I have Matt, Carrie and Ashleigh in the car with me, and we're cruising along. I'm passing people, people are passing me. Old people are smiling pleasantly and waving from the porches on their farm houses. Okay, I made that last part up, but we'll just say I'm taking artistic license with reality. My car is having absolutely no problem.... UNTIL THERE IS AN EIGHTEEN WHEELER BEHIND ME AND TO MY RIGHT SO I CAN'T REALLY GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT FEAR OF DYING.

I'm not even making this shit up, guys. It's like we were cruising along and my van decided to have a midlife crisis when faced with bigger vehicles than it. Seriously. The trucks are all "I AM A HUGE HUNK OF METAL AND DEATH AND I AM GOING EIGHTY AROUND YOU!"

and my van is all "HAHA BITCHES I CAN KEEP UP! OH WAIT NO I CAN'T BECAUSE I AM SUFFERING AN IDENTITY CRISIS AND FORGOT I WAS A VEHICLE FULLY CAPABLE OF GOING EIGHTY, SO I AM GOING TO DEVOLVE INTO A SNAIL OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT BECAUSE THEY ARE REALLY BAD AT ACCELERATING AND NOT DYING!"

AKA I tried accelerating to not die via eighteen wheeler, and my van SLOWED DOWN, which is not the point of stepping on the gas pedal.

Luckily I am intelligent (read: this shit has happened to me before), so I immediately put my flashers on so the truck behind me would BACK THE HELL OFF slow down(seriously, he was tailgating the crap out of me. Except his truck was so big that it was more like he was top of the van gating me. If you just thought "top of the morning to ye" you are a BA because I totally thought the same thing. Go us). Luckily he did, and the truck on the side of me took off like a rocket, and I somehow maneuvered my car to the side of the highway even though my rear view mirror also fell off, so I couldn't really see behind me unless I was looking in the side mirrors.

So yeah. I'm on the side of the road. In the middle of no where. Okay, I was only like 10 minutes or so from Sweetwater, but who's counting?

So basically I called Triple A, and they were all "We're sending someone to come tow your van to Sweetwater. They should be there in about 40 minutes " and I was all "Okay awesome."

Except they only take two people in the two trucks because the cab in them is really tiny, so the musical director was a complete bad ass (aka awesome person of wonders) and came and picked Carrie and Matt up. She also let me tow the van to her parents shop.

So Ashleigh and I are sitting on the side of the road in eleventy billion degree weather because Texas has to be an asshole and be really hot all the time in summer (which probably shouldn't come as a surprise for me because I've lived here my entire life) and we're all "Wow. It's really hot."

Luckily I had a 36 pack of water in the back of my van for no apparent reason. I also had soup and bunch of other random food items, a chair, a lap desk, a table, and a trunk. So if we would have been stranded for real we could have gone all MacGuyver and not died. Go me.

Anyway, I got the bright idea to take some pictures because I figured the blog could use some visual stimulation other than black and white text.

To make a much longer story shorter, the tow truck showed up about an hour later than it was supposed to, and the driver (Billy) talked about fishing the whole way back. It was awesome because I actually knew what I was talking about, and Ashleigh was sitting next to me with this "WTF how do you know anything about fishing" look on her face. And I was all "Bitch I lived in a small town of course I know how to fish. It's Texas law. Represent."

Except not really because I was too busy discussing the fine points of catching flatheads and bluecats. Hell yeah.

Luckily I'm safe and sound at home (and I even made it to rehearsal and back), and the musical director's, step-father's mechanic for their tire shop looked at my van and said it was just the alternator, so I don't have to get a new car yet.

On a side note: I'm sorry I don't update this blog as much as I used to. Musical rehearsal started, so I'm busy with that and work and research. Also, my computer got a Trojan last week, and I only just now got rid of it.

Does anyone else find it ironic that Trojan's are the bane of computer existence, but they keep people from having babies all the time?

I am a liar, but at least I am providing a public service.

2009-07-05T01:46:00.001-07:00

Yes, I am a liar.

I figured I might want to clear the air with that before I wrote an actual post.

I am fully aware I said I was going to post Monday, Wednesday and Friday of every week. I am fully aware that I lied about this.

It happens.

I also get easily distracted by lots of things.

Moving on:

WHAT THE HELL IS WITH ALL THIS MICHAEL JACKSON CRAP?!?!?!

I understand he died. Yes. It's sad. Boo hoo.

Now that we have that moment over, I'd like to ask everyone to GET OVER IT!

If I hear one more cry of "MJ COME BACK TO US BAAAAAAAAAAAAW" or another utterance of "MJ isn't really dead. He's with Elvis", I think I might give myself a surprise tracheotomy.

Except I don't know how it would be a surprise, considering I would know I was doing it. Well, it could be a surprise if I suddenly gained a split personality and had my other self stab this self in the trachea.

I am thinking too much into this matter.

Seriously, everyone, calm the hell down about MJ. There is a whole bunch of other stuff going on in the world besides his death. Seriously guys. Iran is still there. Their problems didn't just go away because Michael Jackson died. Let's get back to the issues of the world. It's not like his death should blind us from that fact.

.....

Oh my God.

This is all a plot to make Americans unaware of world matters. Seriously. That's why Michael Jackson is "dead". He was like, 500 bajilion dollars in debt when he died. I bet you the government paid him to die and cause a huge media frenzy on EVERY TV SHOW EVER so we would forget about everything else in the world! And then he would be out of debt and Obama could be all "anti-christ" and do whatever he wants! YAH!

.....

I hope you all realize how retarded that sounds. Consider this post a public service to the world. I know, I'm too kind.

Feel free to shower me with praise.

The biggest difference between my little sister and Shakespeare is that one of them doesn't actually commit violent acts.

2009-06-26T21:34:00.000-07:00

My school's theatre department puts on a Shakespearean play every summer. This summer production was the first part of Henry IV. Normally I don't like Shakespeare so much, but I decided to go anyway.

Do you know what is totally hot?

Sword fighting-- especially when it's two guys in olden times armor battling it out Mano-e-Mano.

I promise this is not another one of my insane tangents about possum human breeding or the Amish country.

So I'm sitting in the theatre with Ashleigh, Josh and Jared, and I'm kind of nervous that I'm going to do that thing where get bored and start narrating the show in my head in strange ways, except I end up narrating out loud without realizing it. Then everyone hates me and thinks I'm crazy because my narration usually includes talking bears and salmon warfare. This is a lose lose situation.

Okay, so I'm sitting there and the lights go off and I'm expecting someone to come out and start giving a soliloquy or something, and suddenly this music is all "RAAAAAAAAAR I AM MUSIC, AND I AM LOUD IN YOUR EAR DRUM! BEWARE CEREBELLUM!" and a bunch of men start screaming and run on the stage and start hacking at each other with swords and axes and shields, and I'm just sitting there with this giant demonic fan-girl smile on my face because they are not only sword fighting, but they are in olden times clothing.

I seriously almost yelled FUCK YEAH SEAKING!, but I'm pretty sure I would have gotten kicked out of the theatre because A) It's rude to shout during a performance and B) I go to a Christian university. I refrained mostly because I wanted to see more hot sword fighting.

So then a bunch of other stuff happened, and then more stuff happened, and then there an intermission where I dropped The People's Elbow on this one girl waiting in line for the bathroom because I'm hardcore.

Okay, what actually happened is that I was walking with Ashleigh to the bathroom and saw a teacher I knew and waved. Except replace waved with "wasn't really paying attention and ran into two girls and elbowed one of them really hard in the crook of their neck and knocked the other one over".

Right, so we went back in the theatre and the second act started. Some shit went down, then there was more fighting.

I have to put my foot down on this fighting sequence, POOMSOSA. One of the guys fighting had a definite advantage because he was Asian. Seriously, he like WALL JUMPED during one of the fights.

At this point I wanted to shout "SHENANIGANS! You are not Mario, you do not have the Z-button that allows you to wall jump!", but I was too distracted in the next moment when the other guy knocked him down and beat him to death with his shield.

It.Was.Awesome.

So the this guy named "The Douglass" or something like that appears on stage and is all "LOOK AT ME I AM SLASHING MY SWORD AROUND AND I HAVE A DEEP BOOMING VOICE RAR!"

This is the point in the show where I thought Ashleigh and I were going to get kicked out because the only thing I could think of was "THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE HIGHLANDER! TIRES CANNOT DEFEAT ME!" whenever the guy talked, and I whispered it really loudly to Ashleigh. We both dissolved into laughter, and got a couple of glares, but I really didn't care because some woman brought HER FREAKING DOG to the show and it started yelping and causing a ruckus at one point.

No one glared at her. They all acted like it was perfectly normal for her to have brought A PUPPY to a theatre show.

Noobs.

Right.

There was another point in a fight between Hotspur and Prince Hal that Hotspur chased Prince Hal on stage and then threw a spear at him, and the Prince totally bitchslapped the spear out of the air with his sword and BROKE IT AND HALF.

I am going to have awesome dreams tonight.

I am also extremely amused by violence.

Meh

In other news, rehearsals for Godspell started Tuesday. I am playing Lamar. I love Lamar, even if Lamar is the slightly slow character.

This may or may not be because Lamar is the slapstick character that goofs of and/or is a little slow and draws attention to herself all the time.

The only thing I'm worried about is that at some point during the show we go out in the audience and dance around and stuff. That's totally cool with me for most of the performances because I like attention, and I like interacting with people (usually).

There's one problem: my six-year-old sister is going to be at one of the shows.

I seriously just got shivers up my spine.

I know, I know, it seems like she would be a sweet and harmless little six year old.

WRONG.

She's totally a demon child. Normally this is okay with me because I can sic her on people who irritate me/ family members who irritate me/ people I just want to be mean to. We're partners in crime. Most of the time. Sometimes she turns on me, and it usually ends with her kicking me in the shin and me attempting to punt her across the room.

I'm not kidding. One time she kept whining that she had to go to the bathroom in Walmart even though she HAD JUST GONE FIVE MINUTES AGO, and my mom was all "Amber, spend quality time with your sister and take her to the bathroom" which is really just code for "I'm too lazy to take her to the bathroom because she probably doesn't have to go, but she's whining too loud for me to ignore her so you deal with it". So I take Kira to the bathroom, and, SURPRISE, she didn't have to go. So she's all "I don't have to pee", and I'm all "Too bad. You whined about it, now you better squeeze something out", and she's all "I'm glaring mutinously at you."

At this point I thought I had won.

WRONG AGAIN.

Kira starts screaming and crawls, HALF NAKED, into another ladies stall screaming about stranger danger.

I don't think I have ever been so embarrassed in my entire life. Luckily my mom showed up before the security people could take her away and accuse me of trying to kidnap her.

If that happens when I try to get her go pee, what's she going to do when I'm in character and can't acknowledge her out in the audience when she calls my name?

I think I'm going to ask the director if shin guards can be part of my costuming.

Apparently I look like a crack addict at one in the morning

2009-06-24T13:14:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I totally lied. You didn't get two posts yesterday, POOMSOSA.

I'm pretty sure you will get over it.

.....

Unless you don't, in which case, I'll fake apologize to keep you from going over the deep end and coming after me with a sawed off shotgun. The results of that could be quite unpleasant.

Right. So I have recently realized that Abilene is the worst place to live. Ever. Why is this POOMSOSA?

Well, POOMSOSA, native Abileneisaurs (yes, that's totally what they are called) parade around in shirts that say "Keep Abilene Normal" all the time. This, coupled with the facts that there are approximately eighty bazillion churches in Abilene--

I totally just got derailed because my Google spell-checker didn't yell at me when I typed bazillion. THAT.IS.FREAKING.AWESOME.

Okay, focusing. Focusing.

-- three at least vaguely Christian universities in Abilene, and about 99.99999% of Abilene's native population is people over the age of eighty, gives off the impression that Abilene is a safe place to live.

My General Ackbar senses are tingling.

.....Yours should be too.

IT'S A TRAP! GAWD! GRAB YOUR LIGHT SABER AND SUIT UP FOR COMBAT!

Right. So here's what went down. My friend Elonda's sister is having surgery. She does not have a car, so she asked me if I could take her to a bus station at 1 AM so that she could make her departure time at 2:30 AM. Apparently the bus people were expecting a tsunami of people to be taking a bus from ABILENE (a podunk town) to somewhere in Colorado. Clearly there is a huge demand for this and they would lose track of their customers and people would be all grr and sue them for something or other.

...Then again, people going from Abilene to Colorado might be on the run terrorists or something. Maybe the whole " be here an hour and a half ahead of time just in case at 1:00 AM in a small-ish town" thing is a clever ruse for "we're Super Americans who are making sure no terrorists slip past our careful guard. Don't worry America, that bus they're riding on is totally a Transformer and will crush any shenanigans those terrorists try to get away with. HELL YEAH OPTIMUS PRIME!"

In which case, HELL YEAH bus stop policy makers! Take them down! UHUH *Z SNAP PATTERN*

I realize don't care that the previous statement may or may not be culturally insensitive to people who ride buses at 1:00 AM from small towns. And bus companies...and people who Z snap... The list can go on, but I'm stopping.

On the flip side, I hope the US department of defense doesn't read this and go all "OH EM GEE SHE SAID TERRORISM! LET'S CHECK THIS OUT GUYS!" and then read this blog post and go "OH SHIT! SHE MADE UP A HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION INVOLVING TERRORISTS AND TRANSFORMERS? THAT'S A CODE WORD FOR SOME PROTOTYPE WE'RE BUILDING! SHE IS CLEARLY A TERRORIST!"

That would suck major marmalade sandwiches. And marmalade is frickin' gross.

Wow. I just got majorly off topic. So I took her to the bus stop, and I start taking her luggage inside because she's disabled and isn't supposed to lift stuff. She goes inside to sit down, I got back outside to grab another duffel bag, and this man (who I totally thought was a hobo because he was sleeping on the curb near a road) comes up and is all "Hey, I'm from Denver passing through here, do you know where I can score some crack?"

At which point I'm all "What the hell are you talking about?" because I'm not especially socially bright at 1AM so I had no idea what he meant by crack. So he explains that he wants drugs, and I just kinda stand there and glare at him for a second before telling him that I am not into that kind of stuff.

Except I didn't really glare because he was a really shifty looking dude and had his hand behind his back the whole time, so I thought he might have a knife or a gun or something.

I seriously thought I was going to die. Except, I totally got gipped because I didn't get to see a flashback of my whole life. The only thing I could remember was this one time when I fell and skinned my knee in 10th grade. This memory totally made my knee actually start stinging in sympathy pain and really pissed me off because that's a really crappy memory to remember when you're about to die.

Of course I was also pissed because I always imagined I would go out in a gun fight with John Wayne's evil clone where I sacrifice my life to save the world from his tyranny or something cool like that, not by being stabbed by a crack addict in a bust parking lot in Abilene.

Luckily the dude just kinda skittered off back to his stuff when I told him I had no idea where to find crack, but that I could help him find lots of places to find Jesus.

Needless to say I got her luggage inside and got the hell out of there before the Boy Crack Wonder could change his mind and come after me with whatever was behind his back.

I feel compelled to say at this point that my friend Elonda befriended this guy on the bus, and he was totally helpful and nice to her.

That doesn't mean the situation wasn't scary.

Also, he must messed up thing about that whole situation is that when I told him I had no idea how to "score some crack", he looked at me like I was the bad person.

If you make some joke about how I should know how to get drugs because I am clearly on them, I will give you a permanent third leg. If you catch my drift.

P.S. The new Transformers movie was AWESOME. I'll probably write about that in the next blog.

No, I'm not having a love affair with my space bar.

2009-06-23T09:12:00.000-07:00

So I'm completely aware that I haven't updated this blog in like, three million years. This is a lot less than last time. Hurray.

Right. Serious business.

I decided that blogging every single day was a little bit much because I'm completely lazy busy. Also, who wants to read every day. This is America, not Readmerica. Duh.

So I'm going to start posting three times a week, probably on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I say probably because it will might change.

Also, before you say anything, I know it's Tuesday so that last sentence is kind of extraneous.

Sticklers. God.

Right. Also, in another announcement-y type thing: It has come to my attention that some people who read this blog think that I make out with my space bar at random times during posting. This is entirely totally not true. My thumb totally is isn't a pregnant ho.

HINT: If you highlight the random gaping holes between words, you might find secrets.

Right.

Just to warn you, there will be two posts today. This lame announcement one, and then one chronicling my adventures with a bust stop crack addict, staying up all night, a graduate school preparation seminar, and other shenanigans.

Bwahah

I'm not acting superior. You're just a peasant.

2009-06-18T22:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I want to maim get really annoyed with people who think they are better than me others. Mostly because I know that I'm whoever is being harassed is better than equal to everyone, but apparently no one else does. This is a grave miscalculation that I attempt to get people to correct.

Only, SURPRISE! Most of the time I'm unsuccessful.

This may or may not be because most people have very high and unrealistic opinions of themselves. Before you ask, I don't include myself in that group.

Right. So I'm sure that you're all wondering why I'm rambling about equality and blah blah blah.

Don't worry, POOMSOSA, I'm about to tell you.

The other day I had a discussion with someone who was upset at me. This should not be a surprise. This person told me that I was rather pompous and that I should try being nice because it's the right thing to do, and then read me the riot act (no, I have no idea what the riot act is but I don't really care because I'm sexy and I can do what I want) and how they were such a better person than me and about a bunch of stuff to which I replied:

"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW". Anyone who knows anything about the Internet should be laughing right about now, or shaking their head in shame. Whichever works for you. Equality, remember?

Don't get me wrong POOMSOSA I don't care about other people's feelings. Normally I would have been all "Wow, maybe I'm being totally unreasonable and should evaluate my reasoning in this argument and try to see things from their point of view."

But this argument was not reasonable. Oh no. It was far from it.

This person was arguing with me because I said curling was a stupid sport and shouldn't be in the Olympics.

What. The. Hell.

I mean, I totally understand if you like curling (I refuse to capitalize that word out of principle). You obviously have good reasons.

I won't judge you. I promise.

....

Okay, that was totally a lie.

I mean, who wouldn't be riveted by a bunch of people throwing some over sized stone at a target and gauging how fast it goes by scraping the ice in front of it with brooms? Seriously, you have to make lightning fast precise decisions about when to scrub the ice and when not to so that you get the stone on the target correctly. Seriously, curling is like the Chess of the ice world! There are even professional ice makers for curling!That shit is hardcore! This video proves it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXeXNHRPMM! Do you hear the hardcore music playing in the background do ya? WELL DO YA?"

.......I hope you realize how retarded that just sounded.

( P.S. If you actually do watch the video, there's totally a guy that acts like Tiger Woods when he does something well. It made me lol really hard. I also yelled "Calm down Tiger WOODS!" really loudly with my door open, and someone walked in and was like "What the hell are you talking about?" I was laughing too hard to answer.)

Now that I'm done with my tangent on how stupid I think curling is (yes, I know how the game is played and blah blah blah. I'm not so much of a bigot that I would just judge a game without knowing how it's played), I'll get to the point of this blog.

Well, this blog doesn't really have a point, and I know you don't know this but my "N" key is wigging out, and it's really ticking me off, and if it doesn't stop I'm going to take a flamethrower to my laptop. (Don't worry I'm really not going to. Mostly because I'm too poor to afford a new laptop).

Right.

So anyway, this person just went on and on about how I was overly harsh and acted superior all the time.

This made me giggle.

See, the fact is POOMSOSA, I'm not acting superior. You all are just peasants.

Also, I swear that if you look up what my last name means and start telling me about how it's french for "Of the fields" and how that must mean that my ancestors were peasants so I really have no room to be talking, I will give you a surprise tracheotomy.

....That statement just made me giggle again.

Except, it just occurred to me that I really hope no peasants somehow muster up the money/chickens/goats/whatever currency peasants pay in to get on the internet and see this post. God. That would be terrible.

The peasants would be all "RAWR! This noble doesn't care about our well being", and I'd be all "Yeah duh I'm a Feudal Lord, bitch, LOL look at me I'm Marie Antoinette, eat some cake peasants", and then they'd have this giant uprising and I'd be all "OH MY GOD! NEIGHBORING FEUDAL LORDS COME TO MY RESCUE", except there aren't any more feudal lords, so I'd be all by myself. And then the peasants would start chasing after me with pitchforks and other various objects that I don't ever want to be stabbed with and I'd eventually get caught because I can't really run very much, and then I'd be all "This isn't fair! It's not my fault that you don't know how to use modern technology to farm better and get out of poverty," hoping to get out of trouble, except the peasants would be like "Technology? What? SHE'S A WITCH! BURN THE WITCH!". Then they'd definitely have a public burning, except I'm so awesome I would't burn and then I'd look up and see an angel and suddenly turn into Joan of Arc and be remembered forever as the bad ass who got saved from a painful death by an angel.

...Yeah. The hallucinogenic drugs creativity in the air of my room is definitely back.

Also, I have a confession to make.

.....No,I'm not on drugs. You're all jerks for thinking that, POOMSOSA. Don't even pretend that you weren't thinking it.

Right, the confession:

The whole reason I wrote this post is because I wanted to put "I'm not acting superior. You're just a peasant " as a blog title.

LOL Narcissism

Random Statement of the Day:

Fact: "People who are allergic to strawberries should never eat anything with strawberry in it" is a logical argument.

Fact: "People who eat strawberries are stupid because I hate strawberries so they should too" "Girls like guys with a nice ass, not ass crack showing. I'm a reasonable person, you're not. You've been consumed by ACU eggshells and bubble" is not a logical or reasonable argument.

I may or may not be a little insensitive

2009-06-17T21:43:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure the hallucinogenic drugs creativity in the air of my room has run out for the day, so I'm just going to post a bunch of blurbs from my trolling adventure on a Meebo chat room where morons people go to roleplay and stuff.

I'm Locke (the philosopher, not the guy from Lost). No names were changed to protect the idiots innocent.

Ookami(male)-||belongs to Crow||: What's with the kids crawling around..
[12:20] Locke: There are kids running around? GAWD! I need to put my spiky tap dance shoes on.
[12:20] Locke: Just kidding. I would never do that to a child.
[12:20] Locke: Probably.

12:22] Sharoe Heo[age 1 and1/2]~ Elemental Baby~Needs Parents~: (im bad at speling)
[12:22] Locke: (I won't hold it against you. )
[12:22] Locke: (That was a lie.)

[12:24] Hanabi (2) (orphan) (half-vamp): Tatsuya: -back is covered in blood again-
[12:24] Hanabi (2) (orphan) (half-vamp): Tatsuya: -falls to the ground-
[12:24] Hanabi (2) (orphan) (half-vamp): Tatsuya: -sobbing into the ground-
[12:24] Locke: Hey bloody teenager, you might want to get up. I bet there are some "vampires" in here.

[12:24] Hanabi (2) (orphan) (half-vamp): *Tatsuya: -sobbing-

[12:31] Locke: Oi, can I bottle your tears and sell them on Ebay?

[12:33] Hanabi (2) (orphan) (half-vamp): Tatsuya: -bleeding-
[12:33] Locke: Oi, it looks like you're bleeding.
[12:34] Hanabi (2) (orphan) (half-vamp): Tatsuya: well.....-sob- yeah.......obviously -sob-

[12:34] Locke: You should stop that. I heard it's bad for your health.

[12:34] Hanabi (2) (orphan) (half-vamp): Tatsuya: -goes back to sobbing into the floor-

[12:48] Beta Sam(The Samurai Soul Reaper)(Black's Kouen and Heartless's Bro)(Zio's son)(loves Vee)(in Shadows pack): Its not rape...
[12:49] Locke: It's surprise sex!

(I realize that the last blurb can be taken out of context, but no one had claimed to have been raped or anything. A bunch of people made the same joke. Before you ask, YES I would jump off a bridge if everyone else did. I would just be intelligent and use a bungee cable.

[12:53] Naiyu [little slave girl] ~needs a master~ Looking for a love~: *hugs knees* my last master accidentally fell into a lake and got electrocuted to death because he had a cattle prod with him....

[12:49] Locke: LMFAO! BAD ASS!

Yeah. I'm totally insensitive.

Popcorn is the Stalin of salty snacks.

2009-06-16T21:13:00.000-07:00

There are times in life when I honestly wonder what exactly I've been put on this world to do. I mean, I'm talented at a lot of things, but I'm not super talented in any of them. At least, I'm not super talented in anything that you could make a career out of. Which is totally cool because I don't want the paparazzi outside my door everyday, POOMSOSA.

Cameras eat souls, true story, and I don't want to take the chance because being a zombie is no fun. I mean seriously, the zombie is all "BRAINS" and the people it's running after all all "AHHH! A ZOMBIE!" and they try and run away but are too retarded scared to actually accomplish anything. So then the Zombie is all "OMNOMNOM" on their brains and they become zombies too, and if I were the first zombie I'd be the leader of all of them, and hell no because I don't even know if I want children, and they're helpless enough with brains. I can't imagine myself with a bunch of zombie children running around.

Plus I'm way too hot to be a zombie.

Right. So back to the part where I'm wondering why I'm here on earth.

POOMSOSA, I have discovered my talent.

I am a bad ass pickle vampire. It's the lamest coolest thing ever. Seriously.

So this is how it all went down. I was in the middle of experiencing an emotional breakdown extreme hunger, when I suddenly looked and saw a shining jar of pickles upon my microwave. Seriously, there was a freaking halo around the jar.

So I decide that pickles with help with my emotional breakdown hunger, and I start eating one and thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life. Except I hate just straight Omnoming pickles. I mean seriously, who does that?

I have a friend who bites the middle of the pickle first. She's like a pickle shark. Which is cool, but she makes a huge mess. I, on the other hand do not. I am chic.

So I take a bite of the pickle and then start to suck the juice out of it, only to find that I am so pro that I can suck the ENTIRE INSIDE OF THE PICKLE OUT!

It was like a light from heaven shone down upon me, POOMSOSA. I could be one of those bad ass circus clowns in Cirque du Soleil and entertain the masses. I mean, I'm totally okay with being a freak and stuff. I might be famous! I've never been able to do this before, and to think that I might be able to pin this fame on a pickle from on top of my microwave. Which was totally cooking popcorn at the time, but who cares about popcorn? You can't be a popcorn vampire. That's just stupid. What are you gonna do, suck the butter out of the kernels and harden your arteries? Fail.

Oh shit. I just thought of something. What if that halo I saw around the pickle jar was caused by microwave radiation from me cooking the popcorn? OH MY GOD! I've been mutated! Because...because! I couldn't suck the insides out of a pickle before, ever. NOOO! THIS IS THE POPCORN'S WAY OF GETTING BACK AT ME!

The popcorn is all "GRR! That stupid human is cooking me and really doesn't want to eat me. I can see her there thinking about eating the pickles on top of the microwave". And then it Carebear stares the top of the microwave with radiation, and the pickles get infected with it, and I eat one and get all mutated, and oh my God I think I can feel myself growing fangs.

.....

I'm seriously hyperventilating right now. Also, I'm pretty sure I just saw a unicorn prance across my room into the bathroom.

I swear I'm not on drugs.

P.S. Spell check is a wonderful invention that I should use before I publish these posts.

If a possum and a human ever have offspring, I'm going to prison.

2009-06-15T21:27:00.000-07:00

So I had a rather uneventful day today. I woke up, and felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest and didn't go to the GRE prep class I was supposed to. Don't look at the screen that way. I'm not Wonder Woman, I can't lift an elephant off my chest. I mean, it would be totally freaking awesome if I could, but I haven't been blessed like that. also, I would never wear Wonder Woman's out fit. That thing looks like it chafes, and uhh, no thanks. Chafing is of the devil, and I'm a sweet little innocent ACU girl who would never consider wearing such revealing clothing.

.....

What?

So basically after I woke up I took a shower and talked to Kate who is a ho really good friend of mine. Kate, don't you dare get mad at that last joke if you find it. I'm joking.

So I talked to Kate and we decided to eat "supper" together, which I totally mocked her for because the instant she said it I imagined June Cleaver for some strange reason, and no one in their right mind uses supper anymore. Except people in backwater towns with one tooth named Bubba that are married to possums.

POOMSOSA, If that offends you I don't care am sorry. No possums were harmed in the making of that thought.

Probably.

So I sludged through the rest of my day, and eventually made it to "supper". Dammit, now I all can think of are rabid possums giving birth to human possum babies that take over the world.

That would be AWFUL! Can you imagine them trying to date someone? Because obviously they would be more human than possum because, duh, humans are soooo much more superior than possums.

Seriously, what if one of them tried to hit on me They'd be all "CHITTER CHITTER" and I'd be all "HEY! Posman, speak English! I don't speak possum." Yes, they're called Posman. Mostly be cause it looks like postman and that would be a hilarious mistake to make in everyday life.

So at first I'd be all wary of the relationship, but the Posman, we'll call him Jake, would be all charming and suave because he's had a rough life. And eventually I'll like, fall in love with him.

So we'd totally get married, and it would be the honey moon and I'd be all like "LET'S CONSUMMATE OUR MARRIAGE!" and he'd be all like "YEAH!" except when I walk over and go to be near him he'd get spooked by my shadow and play that possum dead thing. And then I'd be all "SHIT! He died" And try to give him CPR, and I'd accidentally kill him because I'd be so frantic, and then the police would show up and be like "MURDERER!" And I'd get thrown in jail and live the rest of my life behind bars because of the Posman's stupid possum side.

..... right. My day.

So I eventually went to dinner with Kate and dragged my friend Eric along. It was a nice dinner, except for the part where my asshole wonderful friend Eric told me they'd all ordered while I was on the phone with Harry Potter Daniel, Kate's fiance.

Then when the waitress came back I was all like "Hey, can I order" and she looked at me like I was the rudest person ever for asking that.

Which I totally understand. Except not really because that's her job, and I don't think I came across as rude when I asked it.

Anyway, we ate dinner and then I went home and watched CSI New York for like three hours, which is why I'm scrambling to finish this blog post because it's 11:52 and I want to post every day if I can. Except I can't think of anything else to write because I'm expecting policemen to bust into the scene and arrest me for murder. Grr.

....

I suddenly have a great hate for possums.

I'm secretly married to a gay man except not really.

2009-06-14T18:23:00.000-07:00

So, you know those times when you have a friend who met someone they thought they would like online, but it turned out all that person really wanted was sex, so every time they come into town they call your friend up and are all "Hey baby why don't you and I do some math together by adding a bed, subtracting the clothes, dividing the legs and multiplying?" ?

And then your friend is all "Ugh. I'm not in this for sex I just wanted a friend or something," and they start complaining and your all "I told you those e-harmony commercials were a lie." And then you do an Irish jig and decide to ignore the problem, but your friend is all upset and disturbed that this jerk keeps calling them for sex, so you can't really ignore it?

I had one of those times today. Only this friend is totally gay so it's like ten million times more awkward.

Seriously. I don't know how I get into these shenanigans, but they seem to just appear out of the sunset like Prince Charming and sweep me off my feet. Except in my version Prince Charming is a hot Irish dude riding a dragon. And he doesn't sweep me off my feet. No, that bitch can fly....

I really need to stop before I go into a meditative trance about this.

Anyway. So today my friend Jared kept on getting this guy calling him for booty calls all day. I unwittingly wandered into the picture because I decided that I would take advantage of our friendship and use his kitchen to cook a meal for us.

If any of you caught that last joke, particularly Jared, I'm just kidding. I would probably never do that.

So I'm in the middle of cooking and Jared's phone rings. This is not an odd occurrence as Jared is as addicted to his phone as I am addicted to the internet. So I go on straining macaroni, and he's all "STOP CALLING ME! I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU YOU DAMN BOOTY CALLER!"

And then I whirled around and splashed hot water on myself because Jared scared the hell out of me and shouldn't be talking to people like, regardless of who they are, only to find he didn't actually answer the phone and it was still ringing.

So I'm all "What the hell Jared. You have to open the phone for them to hear you. Seriously. You're old enough to know how to use the phone. Who was that anyway?"

And then Jared's eyes lit up like he was a lioness who had just found food for her starving pride family thing. I swear that isn't me calling him a girl because he's gay. It was just the first reference that popped into my head. I have nothing against gay people as long as they don't hit on me. Which is a moot point because I'm a woman.

Right. So Jared starts telling me this whole story about how this guy he met uses him as a booty call and blah blah blah.

And then the funniest thing happens. The guy calls back.

And Jared is all distraught and bemoaning his fate because this guy just won't leave him alone. Then he gets the idea that I should pretend to be his wife.

Normally I would be against this. I mean, that's the lamest way of getting out of a booty call ever. I would never sink to such lows.

......

Okay that's totally a lie. I'm all into that stuff. In fact, POOMSOSA, I go all out.

This is the conversation I had with the guy, almost word for word.

Amber: Hello, who's this? (I was totally using a Texan accent BTW)

Guy: Uhh... Can I talk to Jared.

Amber: Well this is Geneviene, his wife. He's not in right now, can I take a message? May I ask who I'm speaking to?

Guy: Umm....This is Sean.

Amber: And who might you be, Sean?

Sean: I'm...uh... his friend.

Amber: Friend? OHHHH! You're one of those friends. My Jared does like to go and have flings with men--- HAYLEY ANN! GET YOUR CLOTHES ON AND GET UPSTAIRS THIS INSTANT! DON'T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN!-- Sorry about that Sean honey, my little ones are running all over the place. Now, I'd like you to not call my husband again. He's getting right with the Lord now.

Sean: Uhh...okay?

Amber: Well thank you so much sweet-pea. Bye now!

Sean called back a little while later, and I yelled at him for it. Then he texted a few times. I think I finally go through to him when I told him that Jared had two children, and yes we made them the right way.

Regardless, this whole debacle ended in me making a Facebook for Geneviene Perkins so he could just list me as married if a guy was harassing him again.

So I'm totally married to a gay man. Except not really.

Oh God. I really hope having a fake Facebook isn't against the law. I would die. Like, the IRS would be like "Hey look, these two are married on Facebook, but they don't pay taxes! Let's investigate"

And then one day the Army or something would show up and kick in my door and be like "WHERE IS GENEVIENE PERKINS?"

And I'd be all "Umm... she's this fake person I made up so my gay friend could get out of booty calls." And then they'd be all big brother-ish and throw me in the brig for some made up charge.
Except one of the Army dudes in the platoon thing that came to get me would totally be gay, but no one would know it, and he'd stick up for me and be like "I totally understand what this woman did for her friend" And then the captain jerk of the Army would be like "Psh. Whatever. Sit down and shut up. You don't know anything."

And then the gay army dude would be like "NO! I'm totally gay and I understand! MR. GORBACHEV, TEAR DOWN THAT WALL!" Except by tear down that wall he'd mean "let the woman go free".

And then they'd let me go free, but that guy would be fired because the Army is stupid and discriminates against gay people, and then he'd be poor and out of a job and outed.

....

Dammit. I'm going ot get someone in the Army fired.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm in the Matrix and then I remember that I'm just addicted to the internet.

2009-06-13T16:55:00.000-07:00

I'm going to level with you, POOMSOSA. As I sit here and try to write this blog,dying from the Bubonic Plague, (I swear to God if you bring up a Twilight reference I will cut your head off and put it on the mantle I don't have) I find that I can't think of anything to write. At all. Well, obviously that's not true because I'm actually sitting here typing stuff right now, so I'm thinking of something to write.

It just isn't interesting and/or about my life.

Bleh.

I guess I can just write about my internship and how that's going.

So I'm in this internship called the McNair Scholars Program. It's awesome. They pay me $2800 to do research and take some free classes (which are easy, and I get grades for so they help my GPA out WHOOP WHOOP!) and a bunch of other stuff.

Oh, I also found out they take you to a conference in Buffalo, NY, all expenses paid, to meet big wigs in our field and present our research and blah blah blah no GSB this time. It's awesome.

And I know what you're thinking POOMSOSA, "Wow! This is super awesome! CONGRATS!"

WRONG.

IT.WAS.A.TRAP.

And I can promise you, the scene was not pretty.

Here's how this information center went down:

McNair Director: So we're taking you to a conference to help you get your foot in the door with big wig PhD's in your field. Cool huh?

Amber: *stops everything she's doing and starts to listen, wondering how much this will cost*

McNair Director: *clearly has mind reading powers* And it won't cost you a thing! It's all free! Hurray!

Amber: *closes her laptop... Just kidding. I didn't actually do that. I would never.*

McNair Director: Oh, and hey, when we drive back down from the conference, we're going to take you to Cedar Point in Ohio! It's a totally awesome theme park!

Amber: BINGO!

McNair Director and everyone else: o.o

Amber: Sorry. I was having World War II flashbacks.

McNair Director and everyone else: o.o

Amber: And by World War II flashbacks I totally meant playing Bingo with my twice removed great-grandma. Her names Sydney. You'd really like her. She makes a mean Echidna pie.

McNair Director: o.o

Amber: I'm just going to shut up now. Carry on.

McNair Director: .....right. So not only do you get all those things, but we're also going to stay for three days in AMISH COUNTRY! It's going to be amazing! We're going to live like the Amish, and we'll even be staying with some really important people in their community.

Amber: HALLELUJAH JES--- Wait. What? Amish Country? Uhh... AWESOME!

POOMSOSA, does it make me a terrible person that the first thing I thought after hearing about the Amish country part of this trip was the fact that I would probably have no internet?

Based on that, I don't think I need to tell you that my enthusiasm was a lie. Even though I just did, so that sentence is pretty much pointless. Yeah.

Back on topic:
I CAN'T GO TO THE AMISH COUNTRY! I can't stay with pillar families of that community.

Firstly, they have wholesome morals which I probably don't share.

Secondly, they eat weird stuff. I'm a picky eater, and I don't want to insult the Amish people.

Thirdly, THEY HAVE NO TECHNOLOGY. I WILL DIE.

Fourthly, ANIMALS

Fiftly, THEY HAVE NO TECHNOLOGY!

Have I mentioned I would have no access to technology?

I mean, we'll get there and I'll be all "Hey, do you have internet?" and they'll be all "No we don't. This is Amish country. We're old fashioned. Duh." And then I'll die of a heart attack get over it because it would be rude to pretend to have a heart attack. Except I won't really believe them because, c'mon, who doesn't like the internet? If you say you don't I'll stab you in the trachea.

So then I'll spend my whole time there dodging having to milk cows and eat organically grown food, even though I'm sure their meals are all super nutritional. then I'm going to get into a fight with the Amish dad when he tells me to eat my green-beans, and they'll like, take me out to the woodshed or something like that. And then I'll be all OW! Fine, I'll eat the green beans. Then I'll secretly throw them out the window and they'll grow a magical beanstalk into the sky, but instead of a giant up there, it's going to be a Starbucks because Starbucks owns everything, but I won't really complain be cause they'll have WIFI.

Then the Amish people will chop the bean stalk down and I'll be all like Shit. I'm stuck up here in Starbucks land with no way back.

But hey, at least I'll have internet.

.....

I really am grateful for the trip.

But if you see something on CNN about a technology crazed lunatic that disappeared from Amish country, show someone this blog.

Yeah.

I blame all of this on Twitter.

There are tiny gnomes mining in my nasal passages.

2009-06-12T12:32:00.000-07:00

Don't be alarmed by the title, POOMSOSA. I am in no way being physically harmed by the gnomes (and by gnomes I totally mean a sinus infection, just in case you get all concerned that I'm hallucinating on LSD or something).

Well, they are piling their bounty up really high, so I can't breathe out of my nose. But who needs to breathe when you have gills?

Oh right, I do.

.....Crap. Now I really want some gills.

I could be like Jaws, only ten times more awesome and 100% less deadly. This may or may not be because when I try to swim I look like a dolphin with a two peg-flippers who is in the midst of having a grand mal seizure while trying to sing and dance a show tune. Except dolphins don't have gills, so change to to a Giant Blue-Finned Tuna. Or something like that.

Hahahahah. Peg Flippers.

That wasn't supposed to be a distraction.

I no longer remember what I started writing this blog post about. Thank God for the ability to scroll on computers.

Right. The gnomes in my nasal passages. They're really irritating. If I get woken up one more time by one of them whistling "Hi-ho, hi-ho it's off to work we go" or whatever that Disney song is (please don't sue me, I'm just mentioning you guys. Seriously Disney, the gnomes in my nasal passages aren't subjects to your copy right laws. Probably because they don't exist, but whatever), I think I might remove my nose.

OH MY GOD! Then I would be like a female version of Voldemort. Except I'd totally have hair, and wouldn't have lived in the back of someone's head.

Yeah.... I think I'm going to pass on that. Voldemort isn't very attractive. Also, neither is Cedric Diggory OR Edward Cullen. That's right, I went there.

Hey, Twilight loving POOMSOSA's, don't look at me like I just kicked your dog and then swallowed your pet gold-fish whole. Contrary to popular belief, God does not kill an orphan every time someone insults Twilight.

Not that I have anything against Twilight. You can be a fan of it if you want.

Hey, stifle the groan Mythology-based nerds who might be reading this. I get really sick of the whole "Twilight is so stupid because vampires don't even look or act like that." argument. Of course they aren't BECAUSE VAMPIRES AREN'T FREAKING REAL!

Unless they are, in which case please don't come drink my blood. I'm really not that tasty, I promise. In fact, you'd probably get some kind of weird disease if you drank my blood.

I think I'm going to go nail some garlic to my door just to be on the safe side. Hopefully that weird Jamaican vampire from Twilight doesn't bust on the scene. Because apparently they aren't allergic to garlic. Then I'd be up a creek.

Except I would be dead, so it wouldn't make a difference if I were up a creek. In fact, I'd probably be on the bottom of the creek, smashing into rocks.

In case you haven't noticed, being sick totally destroys my capability of being reasonable.

I blame the drugs.

I am not a man dressed as a wolf in sheep's clothing. I swear!

2009-06-11T08:05:00.001-07:00

DISCLAIMER: No Giant Squid Babies, or Sheep, were harmed in the making of this post. Unless you want them to have been harmed because people are really good at convincing themselves of anything these days.

Believe it or not, I am indeed female.

I know, I know. Half of you are wondering why I am not in the kitchen making you a sandwich, and the other half are going "WTF? You have an extra rib?! You're not entitled to that because you don't follow the Woman Code! The all powerful code that all women must abide by when their girls are in trouble and need ice cream and three in the morning because some guy named Chico she'd been on-again-off again- giant squid baby-marmalade sandwiches-something something something who was a scum bag anyway ran off with their step mother, and then it turned out they were related so any children they might have had would have been mentally retarded, so that explains the giant squid baby".

To the first half of my audience, I say "HAHA! I have you beat! I am in the kitchen WITH my laptop, and if you want a sandwich it's three dollars. Unless you're Chico. Then apparently I have to hurt you or something. Also I'm pretty sure all you got out of that was giant squid baby, but whatever. I'm just going to stop that impersonation there before I feel like I need to go take a shower and scrub every single skin cell off of my body.

To the second half of my audience I say: If you are in that situation, you are a moron. Knock it off and find a real man. Also, you might want to hide the giant squid-baby. I hear the government doesn't take too kindly to those. And we don't want to government to be all RAWR at you because then you'll go all PMS-warzone I'm secretly Chuck Norris in disguise and I'm going to fix America by round-house kicking the government into shape because SQUID BABIES ARE PEOPLE TOO!

Wow, I just got violently off topic there. See, the moral of that little tidbit was to let you know that I am usually very terrible at giving girl advice. Seriously.

Apparently the girly solution to the situation above is to bring like, eight tubs of chocolate ice cream (eww, this disgusts me already) to the scene of the crime so that the girl, we'll call her Tracy, can engorge herself. Also, you're supposed to keep the giant squid baby asleep by being all motherly or something. (I'm pretty sure they just slip the kid half a Benadryl. No, I don't advocate this. Give them a full one. Haha, just kidding. I know I'm a terrible person for making that joke). Then you start talking about what a jerk Chico is and how Tracy never should see him again and just become the single mother of a Giant Squid Baby, even though she's too proud to ask for assistance. We'll just ignore the fact that even though Chico is jerk, he still has some custody over the giant squid baby (I'm sick of typing this, so we'll just call it GSB from now on) and makes more money than Tracy anyway, so she'd probably lose custody of the GSB and then be all heartbroken and sad for the rest of her life until she finds another fixer-upper man to waste her life away on.

I feel dirty just for typing that. My advice to that problem is much more simple and direct:

Step One: You shouldn't have been in this relationship in the first place. Get over it.

Step Two: To avoid custody battles, tabloids, press time, and the government, dispose of the Giant Squid Baby. It’s not human anyway. It's a freaking GIANT SQUID! Don't look at me like that. Seriously, tabloids are crazy. And if you think you won't get harassed, you're wrong. Look at Octo-mom, or whatever. She was harassed forever, and she wasn't even an OCTOPUS! You have a giant squid baby! That's like, TV GOLD!

How can you do this? Well, adoption isn't really an answer, but making giant calamari is.

See, simple and easy. And delicious. All you have to do is pop the calamari in the oven or fry it take the first step This is an win-win situation!

Okay, I definitely feel the need to say here and now, just in case someone gets offended, that I do not advocate the cooking or disposal of babies. The above advice was based on an extremely hypothetical (and potentially very tasty) situation. I'm sure the government would have released the giant squid baby into the sea, after making sure it was nurtured, so that it could live in an appropriate and non-tabloid or being experimented on way.

Now that the second disclaimer is over, I guess I'll quit rambling about giant squid babies.

Okay. I can't stop thinking about GSB now.

....

Alright. Done.

Now, don't get me wrong, POOMSOSA. I do enjoy giving advice when people actually need it. My advice is always good and flowy and makes perfect sense.

Okay, that's totally a lie. I can't even type that with a straight face. My advice is usually good, but sometimes I get tempted to play the devil's advocate.

Usually I use this tool whenever one of my friends who happen to be a girl (because if I say girlfriend some people in here might be all OMG! LESBIAN BURN THE WITCH!) comes to me with a legitimate problem, and a legitimate solution, but their solution is completely wrong for the situation because it's tempered by the kryptonite of reason, Estrogen. Also, I happen to be extremely bored during these adventures.

Yes. I'm making that stand right now. Estrogen is one of the many kryptonites’ of reason. Don't fight with me on this. I will win.

Basically what I'm saying is that I give the best advice EVER.

Here is an example:

[09:54] Holli: However, babies make it hard to finish school
[09:55] Holli: Which is the ONLY reason I agreed to wait.
[09:55] Holli: Despite my future mother-in-laws pleas to give her grandbabies
[09:56] Amber: Heheh
[09:56] Holli: and the pleas from my effeminate maternal inner self to listen to her and not reason
[09:56] Amber: You should probably stop. I'm seriously tempted to play devil's advocate.
[09:57] Holly: LoL... in the words of my womb "Doo Itt!"
[09:57] Amber: I think I'll resist.
[09:57] Amber: For once.
[09:58] Holli: Either way, it is planned... and it is the best compromise I have.
[09:58] Amber: That's true.
[09:58] Amber: Unless you have sex like, a hundred times a week. Because if you're on the pill, and you do that, there is like, a .01 chance that you'll get pregnant or something.
[09:58] Holli: I am allowed to try for babies when I graduate as long as at least one of us has a job and we have a home.
[09:58] Holli: LMAO
[09:59] Holli: One would really get sore like that
[09:59] Amber Deschamps: And if you're doing this every week in the year, that's like a .52 chance you'll get pregnant, guilt free.

See, best advice ever.

...

Does it make me a horrible person if I want calamari right now?

My Room is Having Hotflashes

2009-06-10T10:51:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah yeah. I'm aware that I haven't updated this blog in like ten million years. I've been busy (see: lazy). Kind of.

Don't take that tone of face expression with me.

Seriously. Knock it off. You don't think I can see you, but I can. That may or may not be because I'm secretly a cyberkinetic robot who can tap into your webcam and watch you while you sleep.

You'll never know.

Wow that was creepy. Awesome. *insert evil cackle here*

(Note to self: Cackling evilly out loud really confuses and scares room mates.)

Speaking of rooms, mine is having hot flashes. I really don't know what the deal is, but it's either way too hot or way too cold. Okay, that's not really the definition of a hot flash, but you get the point. There is no in between. I mean, I really don't know what to do POOMSOSA. Yesterday I walked in and everything was covered in ice. Tiny eskimos were smoking giant salmon they'd caught, and a penguin was sliding down an ice embankment. Apparently the room thought it was appropriate to turn into I don't know... THE FREAKING ICE AGE!

So here is how that conversation went down:

Me: ROOOOM! I'm home--- WHAT THE?!?!
Room: Oh hello darling I did a little interior decorating! Isn't it spendid?
Me: *stares in absolute shock*
Room: Well don't you like it?
Me: ROOOOM! You've got some 'splainin to do!
Room: WAAAAAAAAAAAH!

....Don't judge me. Acting like Ricky Ricardo can help you put your foot down in any situation. I won the argument, and my room stopped being too cold.

Okay....so I totally just turned the air to a higher temperature. Then I went to bed because I was tired.

Do you know how scary it is to wake up with a camel licking your face and a scary man in a turban trying to propositioning you with a goat-skin bag of water, and you actually considering taking his offer because you feel like there is no water in your body and your lips feel like they turned into sand?

It's terrifying. How would I know this?

Despite the fact that I put my thermostat on auto and set it to 75, my favorite temperature, IT.WAS.A.DESERT. In my room. Camels and turban swathed merchant people being chased by hardened desert pirates and all.

I still have sand in my bed.

Freaking rooms and their menopausal mid-life crises.

The Conundrum of Every Day Life

2009-05-12T17:50:00.000-07:00

I find it interesting how everything bad in life seems to happen at one time. It's like the world wakes up one day and decides its time to show the pitiful humans who live on it who is boss.

World: *Yawns* Man, that was a good rest! OW! Stupid humans building things all over me and getting rid of all my trees! What can I do to stave this off? I KNOW! I'll dump a bunch of bad stuff on one person in hopes that it'll make them stop! Good idea World! Man, you're a thinker today. Yeah! Synergy with myself!

Unfortunate Person of the Day: *wakes up* WOW! It's a beautiful day! The sun is shining-- *is struck by lightning, manages to live, finds out their dog got hit by a car, that they are officially bankrupt, and their wife is leaving them for a hot dog peddler she met during her lunch break*

Yeah..... I'm fairly certain that actually doesn't happen.

In any case, today was one of those days. Actually, it has been one of those three days, but who is counting?

Oh right, I am.

The day before yesterday my phone started acting up. Yesterday I found out one of my friends is moving away. Today.....

Today I found out I was going to be sued for some hospital bill if I didn't pay them in full. Apparently collections agencies think that by suing people, money spontaneously appears in their bank accounts to pay past due bills.

Collections Lawyer: Hey, Bill, ungrateful people aren't paying their bills because they're too poor to do so!

Bill: Well, CL, did you try and set up a payment plan with them?

CL: Yes. I've talked to this ingrate four times, and she keeps telling me that the minimum $50 dollars is too much for her to pay because she has an infant and is a single mother of three. I can't believe the nerve of these people! I just don't know what to do.

Bill: You should definitely sue her. I mean, clearly she is just evading paying her bills. She probably won the lottery the other day and just doesn't want to pay.

CL: GOOD idea Bill. I bet us suing her will make her children not starve when she can't afford food for them!

Okay, that may or may not be a ridiculous representation of a conversation between two collections agency workers.

I'm leaning toward the may not side.

In any case, after three days of pitfalls, I'm a little sick of bad news.

Don't get me wrong POOMSOSA, I'm not going to sit on this blog and QQ about everything that happens to me.

You may think I'm doing so right now, but I'm not.

This post's primary function is to do 2 things:

1. Garner me attention
2. Get the world off my back

So.... here is my letter to the World.

Dear World:

KNOCK IT OFF!

That is all.

Sincerely,

AD

Blah Blah Blah (See: Introductory Post)

2009-05-12T11:20:00.001-07:00

It has recently come to my attention that people outside of my sphere of social awareness (see: everyone), POOMSOSA for short, may or may not wish to keep up with my daily shenanigans. Because I enjoy being the center of attention, this phenomenon pleases me. Because writing a blog requires effort that I am usually (see: always) unwilling to expend, this phenomenon displeases me.

Luckily for you my need for attention outweighs my laziness.

So, in an effort to ward off a full blown uprising, I'm going to be an enabler for the POOMSOSA and blog.

I hope you all feel better about yourselves now.

That may or may not be a lie.