Monday, February 1, 2010

DATING IS EXACTLY LIKE HOW IT IS IN VIDEO GAMES GUYS

Okay. So I definitely have a kick ass (in my not so humble opinion) post for you all today, but first I would like to give a giant WARP FACTOR FUCK YOU to online Physics homework.

WARP FACTOR FUCK YOU ONLINE PHYSICS HOMEWORK. YOUR SHENANIGANS ARE NOT APPRECIATED.

Okay, now that I have that out of my system, HI POOMSOSA!

Right. So a couple of people have messaged me and asked what POOMSOSA means. This tells me A)That they are not insane enough to go back 39 entries or so and read the first post and B)That they are also not strong/worthy enough to withstand 39 or so entries of my complete and pure awesome. (HINT: The first one is more accurate.)

So here is the definition of POOMSOSA:

POOMSOSA (Noun/Verb/Whatever I want it to be because I am sexy and I Do what I want): People outside of my sphere of social awareness. See: EVERYONE

Mmkay. Yay. That is cleared up now. Maybe I should put the definition on the side of my blog. This is something to ponder as I am lying awake at night.

ALRIGHT.

So after my last blog post, I started thinking about the whole dating thing, and I realized that with the amount of failure I have had in that department (and that is a lot because I have never dated anyone before. I think I am too shy and demure or something...) that I know enough to write a complete guide to getting a boyfriend.

And you, my loyal POOMSOSA people, are going to get a preview of that guide. This I do for you because I am awesome, and I appreciate your attention because I am an attention whore.

Okay. So, here we go.



Excerpt From: "The Complete Idiot's Reject's Woman's Guide to Landing That Special Someone"

"Step One: Find someone you like. Normally, in life, there are about 5 eligible bachelors around, each with a neatly packaged personality. I am including a helpful guide to these five types of men for you, free of charge.

Male A: Really douchey asshole who no one really fucking likes but is really hot, so everyone deals with them for the peen. Which is probably small and way over rated. Probably works in a bar.

Male B: Really shy, nerdy dude who is intelligent and maybe not as attractive as the others, but probably has a large peen and is a gentle, passionate lover. Probably works in a library.

Male C: Fire crotch. Very Fiery tempered red head who probably works on a farm. Probably (see: IS) a furry. Has a heart of gold, and eats way too damn much.

Male D: The chubby food connoisseur. Probably works at a bakery. Chocolate will probably be involved in your love making. May also have a really decrepit grandmother living with him for some reason. 

Male E: One of those flamers who is not really gay. Has strange colored hair, and is more bipolar than a bipolar polar bear (and that is a LOT of polar). Might be a cross dresser. There will be lots of make up sex because you will fight A LOT.

Step 2: Figure out what kind of gifts and hobbies they like/have.
This is very important. I recommend you Google a guide for this specific person. Keep in mind that you will always have a rival, and they will ALWAYS have known each other since birth. IGN is a good place to find guides, BTW.
Step 3: ASSAULT THEM WITH GIFTS THREE TIMES A DAY, EVERYDAY
Food is the way to a man’s heart(attack).  You should definitely make food and bring it over to them a lot. But make sure you make balanced meals because men are like turkeys and get fat really easily. Unless you are a chubby chaser, in which case, FATTEN THAT BITCH UP!
NOTE:  Your chosen male may be creeped out by your constant flow of gifts. He may lock his doors, avoid you, or file a restraining order. DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE AND PREVAIL AT ALL COSTS. Also, make sure you keep a lawyer on retainer, just in case things get heated. Just do not forget that that heat is a sign of the deep love he has for you. FO REAL.
Step 4: Keep a close eye on his heart color.
As your man grows in fondness for you, his heart will change colors. I am including guide below of what the different colors mean:
  • White: Indifferent
  • Blue: FRIEND ZONE  
  • Green: I like you but I will not say anything because I am a macho bastard/too shy.   
  • Yellow: Friends with benefits
  • Pink: HUBBA HUBBA BABY LETS DO THE NASTY
Now, I realize that a man’s heart is buried deep within his chest, so these heart colors are impossible to see with the naked eye. So how do you check them? Chloroform and a heart catheter, ladies. Chloroform and a heart catheter. The procedure is actually simple to do, if you bribe a surgeon (or take an online class. That is another option of choice).
IMPORTANT NOTE: Make sure that the yellow you think is yellow heart is a vibrant yellow and not a dull gross yellow. Dull gross yellow means that your man has LOTS OF PLAQUE BUILD UP AND IS ABOUT TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK, in which case you should either A) Alert them B) Trick them into marrying you and then take out a life insurance policy or C) Find another man.
Step 4: Give the pink hearted man a blue feather.
Cultural institutions require that a large blue feather be presented to your lover to request marriage. Normally they sell these at the tool shop, but you can probably find one at Wal-Mart because those bitches have everything.
Step 5: GET MARRIED
IF this is not self-explanatory, GTFO my blog.

And there you have it ladies! Five easy steps to landing that special man in your life. All of this should take you about 2 seasons, but if you are really pro you can do it 1 season. If you have any dire questions that are not answered here, you might find a very useful guide here.
Or you can email me. Or Twitter me. Whichever.
Happy man-hunting! "

DISCLAIMER: I may or may not have borrowed all of my man-hunting techniques from Harvest Moon, and you may or may not want to actually try them. The POWER IS YOURS! 
CAPTAIN PLANET! HE'S OUR HERO! 

...Okay I am done.




4 comments:

Amilayne said...

Dear ST,
Can I just have a mash-up of all the types of guys (minus the douche part)?

Also, where do I get the chloroform?

Sincerely,
Totally-not-a-crazy-stalker

Subatomic Tomato said...

Dear Totally-not-a-crazy-stalker,

No. That is not how it works in real life. You have to choose one, and his personality is like that forever. Also, he is basically useless after marriage, except for when he gets you knocked up and you have a baby 3 season later.

As for buying Chloroform, here is a useful site:http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Where_you_can_buy_chloroform

Sincerely,

Amber, AKA Subatomic Tomato

Jennifer said...

I...I think I love you. I followed you over from thebloggess. I couldn't resist the title of your post. I have mono, am bored out of my mind and this morning pulled out my Harvest Moon to try and distract me from the fact that I only had 2 hours of sleep last night.

Also not a stalker, just weird timing.

Subatomic Tomato said...

Hahahah. Well thank you Jennifer. I am glad to offer you a a little bit of entertainment. I hope you will keep reading. :D

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