Friday, January 29, 2010

My vagina is VIP only, and none of your penii are on the guest list

Dear Men of the World,
Contrary to popular belief, I am not dying to have your glistening man horn buried in my velvety sheath. I have declared myself asexual until such a time that I will have any sorry son of a bitch who may get me pregnant legally bound to me and the hell spawn that will come out of me. If I have to suffer, so do you.
That is all,
AUGH. I wish I could convey the absolute irritation I am feeling over all this “GET MARRIED, BE IN A RELATIONSHIP, HAVE SEX” bullshit. I cannot believe I ever got all upset about not having a boyfriend. Ever. Just looking at my past self I go “GOD I WAS A FUCKING RETARD WHAT THE HELL?”. Seriously. I have gotten to the point where I have to resist the urge to yell “IT IS A TRAP! RUN AWAY!” at any girl or guy holding hands, or giggling with each other or even within 20 feet of each other.
Seriously. I swear that the stars have aligned in some perverse way so that many of my friends are like “OMG THIS SEX IS AWESOME. YOU MUST HAVE IT.”

Example: Excerpts from a recent conversation between me and a friend:
Friend: wanna watch/make porn?
Me: NO
Friend: not even a little bit? amateur softcore?
Me:: Not even a little bit
Friend: you have a camera?
Me:: ..........
Me:: What the hell is with your obsession of getting me to have sex?
Friend: *shrugs*
Friend: just seems like it might be fun
Me:: Well knock it off.
Me:: I am not interested in sex.
Friend: or so you believe
Me:: Yes. I do believe that. And it is my prerogative to do so.
If I decided I want to have sex with someone, it will be on my own time with no urging from anyone else.
So please shut the fuck up about it already

Seriously. C’mon guys. Sex is not required for me. I do not wake up in the morning and go “Man, I really hope I can have my vagina pillaged today.” Because that is what sex is: Pillaging of the vagina. Therefore, every man is a Viking.
I am not fond of Vikings pillaging anything, let alone my “bud of maidenhood”.
As quoth my my mother: “I can live without the peen.”
Yeah. My mom referred to a penis as a peen.
While I was driving down the road.
On a busy highway.
Death was almost had.
My mom is truly bad ass, but she lacks the correct timing of when to send me into fits of laughter.
Right. In other news, I definitely linked breast milk to missiles in three steps. Nothing says CLASSY PRO like being able to link breast milk to missiles. Try that on for size.
Okay, so serious life shenanigans that I am considering/have already done/am going through right now.
-I have a SUPER FUCKING AWESOME prank planned. I will not post any details on here for fear of the prank-e finding out what is about to go down.
-I am going to buy a tablet and start a web comic of my daily shenanigans. Maybe. This all depends on if I can overcome my intense need for perfection in my drawing, and the innate laziness that overtakes almost everything I do. 
-I might upload some of the sketches I have drawn of the characters on DA. If I do, and if I remember, I will try to get links up on here. Not that anyone reads my blog. Probably. I get like one comment a month, so it is hard to tell.
-I have been sick for three weeks now. SHENANIGANS. I should probably go see the campus doctor, as I have an audition for a musical coming up.
-I may or may not be recording a song with my cousin this weekend. More on this to come. 

Hmmm. I guess that is all for right now.


Eric W said...

I disagree, sex is awesome. Or at least the overly built up fantasy of sex I have is awesome. I'm prepped for a massive letdown.

Subatomic Tomato said...


Clearly we are connected by fate.

And sex may well be awesome, but I am still uninterested.

Amilayne said...

1. Thank you for making me laugh so hard that I had to concentrate on breathing (the awesomeness makes me forgive you for consequently making my throat hurt more ^^)
2. Sex is awesome.
3. If I find out that you had sex before you were ready I will kick a) your ass and b) the ass of whoever convinced you (and their asskicking will be magnitudes worse)
4. Thanks again for making my day better!

OGLADI said...

I found you through the Bloggess...just as funny!

Subatomic Tomato said...

@Amilayne: 1. You owe me 50 bucks for that.
2. It may well be awesome, but I do not care to have it at this time.
3. You do not have to worry about that at all
4. Again, 50 bucks. I take paypal, cash, and check.

@OGLADI: Wow. You made my day by saying that. I appreciate the fact that you took the time to read my blog, and I hope you keep reading. :)

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