Friday, January 29, 2010

My vagina is VIP only, and none of your penii are on the guest list

Dear Men of the World,
Contrary to popular belief, I am not dying to have your glistening man horn buried in my velvety sheath. I have declared myself asexual until such a time that I will have any sorry son of a bitch who may get me pregnant legally bound to me and the hell spawn that will come out of me. If I have to suffer, so do you.
That is all,
Me
AUGH. I wish I could convey the absolute irritation I am feeling over all this “GET MARRIED, BE IN A RELATIONSHIP, HAVE SEX” bullshit. I cannot believe I ever got all upset about not having a boyfriend. Ever. Just looking at my past self I go “GOD I WAS A FUCKING RETARD WHAT THE HELL?”. Seriously. I have gotten to the point where I have to resist the urge to yell “IT IS A TRAP! RUN AWAY!” at any girl or guy holding hands, or giggling with each other or even within 20 feet of each other.
Seriously. I swear that the stars have aligned in some perverse way so that many of my friends are like “OMG THIS SEX IS AWESOME. YOU MUST HAVE IT.”

Example: Excerpts from a recent conversation between me and a friend:
Friend: wanna watch/make porn?
Me: NO
Friend: not even a little bit? amateur softcore?
Me:: Not even a little bit
Friend: ....do you have a camera?
Me:: ..........
Me:: What the hell is with your obsession of getting me to have sex?
Friend: *shrugs*
Friend: just seems like it might be fun
Me:: Well knock it off.
Me:: I am not interested in sex.
Friend: or so you believe
Me:: Yes. I do believe that. And it is my prerogative to do so.
If I decided I want to have sex with someone, it will be on my own time with no urging from anyone else.
So please shut the fuck up about it already


Seriously. C’mon guys. Sex is not required for me. I do not wake up in the morning and go “Man, I really hope I can have my vagina pillaged today.” Because that is what sex is: Pillaging of the vagina. Therefore, every man is a Viking.
I am not fond of Vikings pillaging anything, let alone my “bud of maidenhood”.
As quoth my my mother: “I can live without the peen.”
Yeah. My mom referred to a penis as a peen.
While I was driving down the road.
On a busy highway.
Death was almost had.
My mom is truly bad ass, but she lacks the correct timing of when to send me into fits of laughter.
Right. In other news, I definitely linked breast milk to missiles in three steps. Nothing says CLASSY PRO like being able to link breast milk to missiles. Try that on for size.
Okay, so serious life shenanigans that I am considering/have already done/am going through right now.
-I have a SUPER FUCKING AWESOME prank planned. I will not post any details on here for fear of the prank-e finding out what is about to go down.
-I am going to buy a tablet and start a web comic of my daily shenanigans. Maybe. This all depends on if I can overcome my intense need for perfection in my drawing, and the innate laziness that overtakes almost everything I do. 
-I might upload some of the sketches I have drawn of the characters on DA. If I do, and if I remember, I will try to get links up on here. Not that anyone reads my blog. Probably. I get like one comment a month, so it is hard to tell.
-I have been sick for three weeks now. SHENANIGANS. I should probably go see the campus doctor, as I have an audition for a musical coming up.
-I may or may not be recording a song with my cousin this weekend. More on this to come. 


Hmmm. I guess that is all for right now.


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I am so pro that I put the pro in procrastination

FDJSKALFABLARGHL

SCHOOL IS KICKING MY ASS ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Right. So basically I have not updated. That would be because SCHOOL IS KICKING MY ASS ALL OVER THE PLACE. Yeah. ALL OVER.

This is definitely divine retribution for when I was all "LYK LOLOL I HAVE AN EZ SEMESTER GAIS" before the semester started. Fucking. Mistake. I am now learning that taking non-Biology classes entails FAR more work than I thought was even possible.

I have HOMEWORK. What kind of self-respecting college professor gives homework? (Do not answer that question.)

Blah. Okay. So quick update on stuff that has been happening in my life while I have not been here.

1. Leo (the guy who got my mom preggers with me) randomly started contacting me again. This is the first time in about 10 years that I have been talking to him. Believe it or not I am being totally benevolent and talking to him and trying to be all forgiving and Christ like and blah blah blah. Long story short that shit is HARD. I keep typing stuff like "Yeah. I am really sorry about that even though you are a sorry bastard who was not in my life..." and then I have to backspace. It takes me about an hour to write these emails. But he has cancer, apparently, so I cannot really ignore him. That would be a total bitch move.

2. My cousin started DNB Entertainment. He wants to be a talent manager, and like I typed about two seconds ago, started a company. He has some tracks out (I think), and has asked me to record some stuff for him. I might be famous. FANFUCKINGTASTIC. Notoriety and attention is what I crave, afterall.

3. School is a bitch, and I recently decided that ACU is not the place I should be at, but I am kind of a JENIOR (Junior Senior Hybrid thing) so it would be super retarded for me to change schools at this point. So basically I am just going to make the most of my time here while quietly (or not so quietly) mocking and protesting everything I dislike about my university. Needless to say, I will be choosing Grad Schools WAAAAAAY more carefully.

4.The Murder Mystery is going well.

5. I should be doing homework right now, but instead I am writing this blogpost.

Alright. So I am going to do my Elementary Statistics (GAG ME) homework now. The only reason this class is even slightly redeemable, just in case you were wondering, is because I have the most awesome professor ever, who coincidentally used to be my counselor. CRAZY? I THINK SO.

Monday, January 18, 2010

2012 will really happen when China gets addicted to chocolate.

Stupidest Idea Ever . Go ahead, read it POOMSOSA.

Yeah. You read that right. They built an 80 ton replica of the Great Wall of China out of chocolate to ENTICE CHINESE PEOPLE TO BUY MORE CHCOCOLATE.

What the hell. I mean, really, what message are these people sending to the people of China.

"Hey guys. You all do not eat enough chocolate, so we made a replica of one of your oldest and most beloved monuments out of the stuff. Which basically means you HAVE TO LOVE CHOCOLATE OR YOU DO NOT LOVE THE GREAT WALL WHICH MEANS YOU DO NOT LOVE CHINA. YOU HERITAGE IS IN QUESTION. Diabetic? TOO BAD!"

I can imagine  how well that would go over with the Chinese. Not to mention they used dark chocolate, the WORST KIND.

I honestly do not see the problem with Chinese people not eating an abundance of chocolate. I mean, really. Too much chocolate can lead to an increase of sugar-related diseases and stuff, and I do not think China wants that either.

OH! And then there was the part about chocolate being as common in the West as fruit or milk.

I would like to know what western consumer in their right mind is all "Okay. Shopping list time. Let me start with the essentials: milk, cheese, bread, chocolate, fruit, butter..".

If you are that person, I will cut your head off because clearly something is wrong with you.

CHOCOLATE IS A LUXURY AN OCCASIONALLY A NEEDED BAKING GOOD. IT IS NOT A STAPLE EVEN IF YOU ARE WOMAN IN MID-MENSTRUAL CYCLE.

GAH. I mean people can get addicted to that stuff. Some people even become all zombie-esque and stuff.

Oh.My.God.

WHAT IF THE ENTIRE NATION OF CHINA GOT ADDICTED TO CHINA AND THEN TURNED INTO ZOMBIES?!?!

NOOOOOOOOOO!

China has BILLIONS of people. Shit. This is the beginning of 2012 guys. It is not a tectonic event. It is a zombie apocalypse.

Excuse me while I got destroy every bit of chocolate in my house. It is not much, but it is something.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Okay.

So over the past few months, I have helped my family members (i.e. Mother, Aunt, Grandmother, Uncle, etc) make Facebook accounts. I figured this would not be a problem because, you know, I do not put anything on my Facebook that I would not want my family to see. I am classy like that.

FAULTY ASSUMPTIONS 101:

Over the past month, my ENTIRE FAMILY has become addicted to Farmville, Fishville, and numerous other Facebook games that I used to play and quit because I got bored with them. My Aunt has made a FB account for her husband so she can play Farmville x2, and I also made the mistake of telling her that I had two alternate accounts. She plays on those, and sometimes on my main account.

My mom did the same thing for Gary, except she made an account so Kira would stay out of her stuff.

I have more home-bound friends on those accounts than I do on my account for myself.

And then, AND THEN, I get calls and emails, and FB messages and I think they even figure out how to telekinetic powers to contact me to ask about different FB things.

I am a fool who flew too close to the sun with wax-bound wings. Woe is me!


Haha, actually, I do not mind it that much because on the flip side I get to talk to my family a whole bunch more while I am off at college, which is A-OK by me because I kinda miss them.

ALSO! I gave my mother my old laptop, so now she has a mic and webcam and a working computer, so I can talk to them on Skype, which is really fun because I actually get to see my sister. Sure I cannot actually hug her, but it is better than not being able to see her at all.

Alright, so this was just a little random update to warn people against the perils of having your entire family on FB.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

I have discovered a purpose for allergies


Actual quote from two seconds ago: "My cussing is getting so much fucking better guys." Yeah. Any progress I made up until this point just flew out the window.
Also, I swear I just heard Ashleigh just say "Amber can I use your feces." She insists that she said "Amber can I use your tweezers?" but given her disposition toward saying random things, I think I am right.
Hahah. Right.
So, school started again, and we are almost one week in. If you want a reason for why I have not updated for eight plus days, then there you go. I have definitely been running around like a headless horseman (HAHA I BET YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO SAY HEADLESS CHICKEN RIGHT? GOTCHA!) trying to get everything sorted out and settled. Wooo. I love the beginning of the semester.


That was a lie. Bad me.


Right. So. I think the chaos and stress of the beginning of the semester, along with other more personal things have caused my fragile hold on sanity to snap. (If you just thought "Hey Amber, you had no grasp on sanity in the first place”, I am going to cut your head off POOMSOSA).


The other night I had this crazy dream that there was this crazy zombie cat that killed me. Except these people cast a Phoenix Down on me (I know, I know, I am a major game geek), and since I had been killed once, I was immune to its poison so they were like "Kill it or we will kill you". So I went through the whole dream battling this demon cat. I kept killing it, but because it was a cat it had nine lives, except since it was a zombie it had OVER 9000 lives. Yes. Vegeta really told me that in my dream (Also LOL MS Word’s spelling suggestion for Vegeta is Vegetate. New nick name? I think so). So I keep killing it, and someone videos it and shows /b/ from 4chan. And they get all up in arms and try to get me arrested because I they are awesome and have that kind of power, and also do not know that this cat will threaten all of humanity and destroy the internet (I know, this is all insane and geeky).
Right. So definitely I finally manage to reduce this cat to a small part of its head and a little scrap of its skin, so we think it is dead, but then the scraps TRY AND RIP OUT MY SPINE, except I had a flame thrower and flamed myself in the back and yelled “FLAME ON BITCH”, and that was the end of the evil zombie cat from hell. Except then another one showed up, so the first thing I did was rip out fangs so that it could not poison anyone, but it turned out that this cat was a magical wish granting cat that was coming to give me a bunch of wishes because I defeated its evil brother. I did not get the wishes because I hurt it, and also its magical powers spawned from its fangs.
I definitely woke up screaming “CURSE YOU IMPULSE VIOLENCE” really loud.
So yeah.
Can you IMAGINE what would happen if there was an evil zombie cat? I cringe at the thought. Cats are smart, and cunning, AND EVIL. They would infect their brethren and then take over the world, which would suck if they enslaved me because I am totally allergic to cats.
OH MY GOD! I COULD BE A HUMAN EVIL ZOMBIE CAT DETECTOR! JFKDLSAJFLKJADSKLFSADJBLARGL
I AM HYPERVENTILATING RIGHT NOW.
Seriously POOMSOSA! If these cats started to converge on other cats and humans, we could form task forces against them and ALLERGIES WOULD HAVE A PURPOSE OTHER THAN TORTURE.


YES YES YES YES YES!
Freaking yes.




Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I AM CLASSY

POOOMMMSSSOOOOSSSAAAAAA

I am back with a new blog post FOUR DAYS AFTER MY LAST ONE!
Be proud of me or perish!

Right. Moving on.

So, it is a new year! We all know this.

That is why I bring you…..

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION 2010! (cue dramatic music)
I think that I have finally come up with a realistic resolution that I can adhere to.

What is my resolution, you ask?

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION 2010: STOP USING CONTRACTIONS WHEN I WRITE THINGS.

Now, I know what you are thinking POOMSOSA:

“But Amber, you are inherently lazy, and contractions are the lazy route. Why would you not use them?”

I, being the infinitely awesome person that I am, have an answer for you:

I WILL NOT USE CONTRACTIONS, SO THAT I WILL BE MORE CLASSY!

Which brings me to NEW YEAR RESOLUTION 2010 NUMBER TWO:

Be more inherently classy!

(Dear Eric, if you comment on my blog and tell me that I cannot be more inherently classy like you just did when you were screen watching me on my couch, I will stab you in the trachea. ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH CHRIST! Also, lol, I totally wrote “ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE FOR CHRIST at first cause I was thinking about myself and my subconscious apparently thinks I am Jesus. I am a total narcissist.)

I guess that being inherently more classy means I need to cut down on how much I swear, but if that is the price I must pay, then SO BE IT. CLASSY-NESS (and auto-searching word for curse words) IS IN MY FUTURE!

YEEEEEES

Right.

So other life happenings:

--I am officially back at school for the semester (which does not actually start until January 11th)

--Rehearsals for the Murder Mystery start on Sunday. I am "TEH EXCITEDSZORS"

--MY BESTIE IS MOVING IN WITH ME FOR THE SEMESTER! I think I will soon be losing Wendy, my other roomate who I think is terrified of me anyway because this is her first time in America, and I am pretty sure that I am the loudest American ever, and that Ashleigh (my bestie) is the second loudest American ever.

AND LOL I FOUND A BLOG THAT I WROTE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

Tracheotomy

HAHAHAHAH! I MADE MYSELF ROFL EVEN BACK THEN.
CAPSLOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR AWESOME

Okay, now that I have that out of my system, here is a little info on this blog:

It was called Idiot Deatomizer, and completely explains why I could not register this blog domain as subatomictomato.blogspot.com . I decided that most of the posts were really embarrassing and deleted all of them, but in my quest for attention and laughs, I decided to take the post that made me rofl really hard and put it on here as an insight for you all into my high school mind.



The act of doing this will make this post really long, so feel free to stop reading right now.

Also, I was apparently a lot more violent and a lot more angry at the world back then. So proceed with caution and the knowledge that I would never actually kill anyone unless it was in self-defense. So without further ado, here is a post from Idiot Deatomizer:










….HAHA GOTCHA!










Okay, here is the old post, for real this time.









….HAHA GOTCHA AGAIN!

Okay, here is the post for real.

Imagine this:

You are walking down the street, minding your own business, when you see a little old lady walking up a hill, pushing this REALLY shopping cart. What do you do?

A) Laugh and point and do nothing.
B) Laugh and point and then push her back down the hill.
C) Laugh and point and imitate her.
D) Actually grow some courage and go help the old lady.

If you picked A... You are stupid
If you Picked B... You are still stupid... Wait.... Hold on a second. Phone call.

It is Jesus.

Jesus uses smite button and hits Idiot for 15,624 points of damage.
Idiot was defeated by Jesus.

(If you do not get the reference, I would advise you to kindly stop using the internet.)

I you picked C... I hear there is a killer freak show coming to town. I bet you could kill their performing monkey and replace him. You have the talent.

If you picked D... You have obviously taken some kind of drugs or you might actually be some type of a good person. Congratulations.

Seriously. It is called COMMON COURTESY people. No, that is not some kind of disease.

Here, let me attempt to educate you "hoods" (as you insist on being called) for a second.

com•mon ( P ) (kmn)adj. com•mon•er, com•mon•est
Occurring frequently or habitually; usual.

cour•te•sy ( P ) (kûrt-s)n. pl. cour•te•sies
A. Polite behavior.
B. A polite gesture or remark.

Put two and two together and you might actually have some form of dignity.

I am sure you have a hard life. I am sure everyone is out to get you.

But hey, guess what.... I bet people would like you more if you actually cared about someone else. Maybe they might even help you.

Now I am not saying be a doormat or anything. By all means, do not do that. You might catch some nasty STD or something...

But if you see an old lady pushing three times her weight up a hill, help her.

No, I am not the nicest person in the world. No, I do not like people. Yes, I am fond of being cruel to them in text or verbal based ways.

You want to know the difference between me and a psychopath killer?

I do stuff for other people, occasionally. And no, that does not include murdering them to put them out of their misery.

You know those hobos out on the street? Yeah, guess what, not all of them are lazy bozos who do not want to get a job. Some of them have excuses. Like...well... low minimum wage. Some homeless people even have jobs. They are not just there to drain the welfare system, and they are not there to irritate you.

NEWSFLASH: Other people live in this world too.

NEWSFLASH: You have to live on this world with those other people.

It would make things a hell of a lot easier if people just decided to help others every once in a while. But it is like people have this ungodly allergic reaction to the little verb known as "help".

Here is an example:

OMGOMGOMG! YOU ACTUALLY EXPECT ME TO HELP THAT INVALID? WHY CAN HE NOT JUST GET UNPARALZYED AND FEED HIMSELF! GOD! DRAIN ON THE ECONOMYBLAHBLAHBLAH.....

And then little Cindy is hit by a bus and becomes an invalid herself. And guess what? NO ONE HELPS HER EITHER.She then becomes an invalid and dies of starvation.

KARMA IS A BITCH, IS IT NOT?

So next time you have the urge to laugh at some unfortunate other being, put yourself in their shoes... and then beat yourself with a courtesy manual.



Sunday, January 3, 2010

Wherein my sister reduces my Christmahannukah-esque holiday into smoldering ruins

Okay. I haven't updated my blog since Christmas, but that's a considerably smaller time window than normal. That gives me bonus points right?

Ahaha. Right. Moving on.

So basically what happened was that we had like, a Hanukkah type Christmas for no apparent reason other than people just didn't want to meet on Christmas day. Which is, you know, just plain disrespectful.

So Christmas day number one was the actual day of Christmas. I posted that day, so we all know how that goes.

Christmas day number two was the 26th when my mom finally decided to show up with my little sister. Basically my Mom called and was like "We want Kira to have Christmas day at home for once in her life. She never has before."

To which I replied "Wow, thanks Mom. The one time she has I was there."

I'm pretty sure that means that my mom just automatically forgets about situations with me in them because she has Kira now and can focus on her.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL Jk. I hope my mom doesn't read this because if she does she's going to call and be like "AMBER ROSE! I AM SICK OF YOUR BULLSHIT!" and then I will laugh and banter with her. She will be unappreciative. Kind of like my sister when she opened her presents.

Which brings me to Christmas #2:

Kira had OVER 9000 presents under the tree when she got here. I was excited because the best presents she got were from me. Mostly because I was the one who got her what she has been asking for all year.Okay. I'm getting ahead of myself. So she opens her presents and is really excited about the Bumblebee Transformer helmet I got her, and she's excited about the Jr. Microscope kit I got her because, for some reason I can't explain, she wants to be just like me when she grows up, and therefore has to be able to do science.

What she doesn't know is that the best Christmas present ever for her is waiting under the tree. Well, technically it was for her and my mom, because well, Kira is six years old. This will all make sense in a second.

So she finishes opening her OVER 9000 presents, and is all "I am le sad because there are no more presents."

On a side not, GOD I hope she doesn't turn out like this kid ever.

Okay, so then I'm all "VOILA! KIRA! This is a present for you from me."

And she tears the paper open, all excited. She gets to the brown box beneath the paper, and eagerly opens that to find a new laptop for their house, and promptly goes...

"Oh. A new laptop." Shoves it at my mom, and goes to play with some cheap ass toy cars my aunt got her.


WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?!?!

I GOT HER A LAPTOP AND SHE'S JUST GOING TO DIS IT FOR SOME FREAKING MATCHBOX KNOCK OFF CARS?!

I am displeased.

Children are fickle.

I think maybe this was a lesson from Jesus that Christmas is about Him and not giving gifts. But still..... KNOCK OFF MATCHBOX CARS? C'mon! IT could have at least been something cool, like the Transformer helmet.

Excuse me while I go and cry in the darkness. QQ