Monday, March 29, 2010

ATTENTION DUELISTS

I hate Blogger, so I'm moving my further blog entries to ratedr4ridiculous.wordpress.com

:) I hope any readers I have will continue over there.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Apologies.

So I didn't update yesterday. I got super busy. In fact, I should be memorizing lines for the show I am in that opens next Friday and doing homework that is due tomorrow, but I love you all so much that I am here updating instead.


To be completely honest, I am extremely exhausted emotionally and physically right now, and I cannot think of anything funny to say. I am really sorry to anyone who reads that is wondering why I am suddenly not funny. I just do not want to post something that is not amusing to me, and I certainly do not want to whine in my blog. At least, not overly much. That is just annoying.

INTERRUPTION: This conversation just happened in my house two seconds ago.

Amber: Sir Peen's getting a little limp over there. I think he has ED
KRB: Maybe he needs some Viagra

Yeah. My roomates are the best.

Right. So I am going to go sleep now, so I can get up and do homework in the morning. Ugh.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Majora's Mask of the Zelda series was probably named after a girls naughty bits.

I AM BACK AFTER A WEEKEND OF FUN AND BLISS, POOMSOSA!

I know, I know. You are all thrilled that I am updating again. Give me a minute to bask in your praise and adoration.

Okay. Moment over.

So stuff that has happened in my life recently:

1. I still have not heard about call backs. It is driving me up a wall.
2. I decided to start exercising because it is kind a good thing. All I have to say about this is "FUCKING OUCH!"
3. OLYMPICS ARE ON! YAYAYAYAYAY! I <3 Figure Skating and Downhill Snow Boarding
4. I got the second webcomic up. I linked it in the previous sentence. Also,  I am pretty sure this is going to be a once a week venture until I get faster/better at drawing.

I think that is just about all that is going on of importance of my life right now.Woohoo.

So now back to serious business. The other day I was watching my television, and I see this commercial for a birth control pill. Now normally I just ignore these ads because I hate commercials, but this one was different. It was special....

education. 

Yeah. So basically the premise of this ad (other than BUY THIS BIRTH CONTROL KTHX) was that it would stop you from having a needless period. It basically posited that periods are pointless and have no purpose.

CAN I GET AN AMEN FROM ALL THE LADIES IN THE ROOM BECAUSE THIS STATEMENT IS ENTIRELY TRUE GAIS! ALL PERIODS DO IS MAKE YOU VULNERABLE TO CREATING DEMON SPAWN AND GETTING PREGGERS.

This is completely true. I once heard this girl decided not to take period blocking birth control, and her uterine lining turned into duck fetuses....fetii.. fetusi?..... I have no idea what the plural of fetus is, but the point is that this girl had a uterus made of immature duck babies. Yeah. ALSO, her labia majora turned into calcium carbonate eggs. So basically her entire reproductive tract was a duck egg. And instead of getting yeast infections, she got yolk infections, which is gross be cause albumin has no business being in a human vagina ever.

Also, sex was out of question for her because eggs are fragile. This gives a whole new meaning to "smashing"  a girl.

Smashing means having sex with, for anyone who does not know. Because I did not, and I had to look it up on Urban Dictionary, which was a mistake because that place is almost as bad as 4chan.

Oh. Ashleigh and I were wondering if the Zelda game Majora's Mask was named after the Labia Majora. Because Zelda is totally a vagina like that, if you catch my drift (think four letter offensive term for vagina starting with a C). If anyone has an answer to this question, please let me know.

Alright, alright, alright, IN ALL SERIOUSNESS: I would like to point out/rant that THEIR CLAIMS ARE NOT TRUE. As annoying/painful as having a period might seem, they are a necessary part of a woman's body/life/metabolic cycle. I am completely serious for once in this blog/my life. If a woman does not have her period for long enough, her hormone cycle gets messed up, and it can lead to cancer, anemia, etc. Also, if this trend continues for too long it severely effects bone density and increases the chance of severe osteoporosis more than ten fold.

 I have a definite problem with this commercial saying that a woman does not need her period, and I think the FDA needs to make them quit that.

So yeah. Serious moment.

Oh, did I mention that not having a period turns your uterine lining into live duck fetuses? Yeah. That is totally a scientific fact.

Alright. SRS BZNS over.

I am not very funny today. My apologies.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Shorts posts are short

So I really did not do a very good job of updating last week, but stuff happens.

Haha. I just wanted to post to let anyone who reads my blog know that I have decided  to TENTATIVELY, let me say that again, TENTATIVELY, TENTATIVELY  try to post  every Monday-Thursday. Maybe Friday. Yeah. It will probably just end up being whenever something really random happens. 




Alright. I think that is all I really have to say. I am going to go work on Rated R for Ridiculous now. Have an excellent weekend, and if you really need to talk to me, or share some kind of story, etc. , you can always email me or something.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Science has made me morally powerful and so can you! (This is only slightly a lie and by slightly I mean COMPLETELY).

Alright, so this blog post is coming WAAAAAY earlier in the day than I normally would post it because I pulled an all-nighter and am going to need to go to bed early tonight. Coincidentally this means the release of the new strip in Rated R for Ridiculous is going to have to be delayed for an unspecified amount of time. Sorry about that, but I kind have to pass my classes, and studying is an important part of that. Which is ironic because I am totally procrastinating from studying right now to write this blog post. GO ME!


Right.....


So yesterday evening/this morning/ some obscure time that is difficult to pin point and properly convey because of extreme sleep deprivation, when I was pulling an all-nighter studying for my Neurobiology test, I definitely typed the term "spontaneous abortion" in a legitimate sense. Yes. LEGITIMATE. You read that right POOMSOSA.

Now, this probably sounds extremely far-fetched to you all, given my propensity for being horrendously inappropriate and non-PC (if you think that means that I am a mac user/lover, GTFO my blog before I surprise tracheotomy you with a subsequent and complementary retina stabbing as a gift to your opening and account with my bank of pain).

Wow. I forgot how good it felt to emptily-threaten bodily harm. I think this might be the five hour energy/sleep deprivation/common depravity that I have speaking.

Right. Back on topic.

So yes. That occurrence made me realize just how morbid my future career in Biology is going to be. Provided I actually have a career in Biology. I mean, we biologists talk about this kinda stuff all the time.

Hell, we talk about all sorts of other terrible shit. Even better? We are totally encouraged and allowed to because it is in the name of science. Supposedly. I am a little vague on these details.

What this made me realize/assume/ consider taking advantage of is that I have the power to say pretty much whatever I want, and when people are all "WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS THE MOST TERRIBLE THING I HAVE EVER HEARD. GTFO MY EARTH NAOW KTHXBAI" I can simply smile indulgently and say "Oh. No it is not. I was talking about it in a scientific sense. FUCKING BOOYA"  I may not add that last part in there. This is a work in progress.

But it is basically like BAM: Instant protection from anger. Unless, of course, I am talking to another scientist (or someone who knows  about the subject we are discussing) in which case we have to have a  sciencey dominance fight to see  who gets to claim to be the superior scientist and thus is not in the wrong. To do this, I am definitely proposing that, as Biologists, we engage in the ancient snail technique of penis fencing. Of course, snails do this to decide which snail is the male and which is the female in mating (or just to choose a mate in general), but choosing mates and establishing dominance in intelligence are basically the same thing. Because if you do not know what you are doing, your chances of successful reproduction are slim at best.

Also, I know I do not have penis, but I can get a strap on or something. I am totally game for that if it means that I can establish my science knowledge dominance.

Not that I need a penis for that. Shit. I am getting myself all sorts of confused here. Please do not take this as a MEN ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN BECAUSE THEY HAVE STICK GENITALS RATHER THAN GAPING ABYSMAL CHASM GENITALS because that is NOT WHAT I AM SAYING.

I just thought penis fencing would be funny.

Dammit. Now I am offending even myself. I need sleep.

Buuuuut I will not sleep yet because I feel this need to make up for my past few lame posts.

OOH! This just in: An IM conversation that happened with my first friend ever (and coincidentally the only other bestie I have on par with Ashtard).

Baki: I have warmth in my belly *o*
Me: ......
Baki: Food xDD
Me: Why do I automatically associate that with orgasm? I am fucked up
Baki: lmaoooo
Me: Curse my roomate for her corruption of my mind.
Baki: Your poking is that powerful.
Me: .......THE FUCK?
Baki: rofl
Me: lolz
Baki: My city on this game is Pokedextrous. It's like Ambidextrous, but with more balls.

I have no idea why my blog seems to revolve around talk of genitals/sexual reproduction/ gross things all of a sudden considering I am pretty much the least sexual being ever AKA The Eighth Asexual wonder of the world.
 I think I am just going to act like the stereotypical minority case and blame society, (AKA because my Roomate and friends who call me Injun all the time because they are FUCKING INCONSIDERATE like that. I do not go around calling them PAPER WHITE CRACKER or whatever white racial slur applies. I am bad at creative racial slurs in general. Which is probably a good thing.) Because clearly ALL minorities do this (and by all I mean not all. I am not that much of a chauvinistic racist and hopefully never will be.)

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I really hoped I would never hear dolphin and ball gag in the same sentence, but that hope was dashed tonight.

Oh my God. I AM SO FREAKING BUSY. It is complete and utter bullshit.

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW I know.

Alright. So basically I should be studying for a big Neurobiology test I have tomorrow, but I am writing this blog post instead. FEEL PRIVILEGED.

Okay. So this weekend. So basically I was at home this weekend by myself. I thought this would be okay, considering, you know, I could sleep in late without worrying about my roomates waking me up for something.

FUCKING FALSE. Apparently the baseball field near my apartment decided that blaring RAP MUSIC at EIGHT IN THE MORNING was a good idea. Just FYI, it is NOT. Fuck you baseball field.

So then they finally shut the hell up and stop blaring music, and my Chinese roomate SETS THE FIRE ALARM OFF RIGHT WHEN I FALL BACK TO SLEEP.

ARGH ARGH ARGH AARRRRRGH with a side of FUCK.

So that was the majority of my Saturday. And by majority I mean minority. In all reality my Saturday was boring. Actually, so was my whole weekend.  My audition did go well. So hopefully I will get a call back. Hopefully.

Hold on. This just in:

Conversation that just occurred in my house:

Me: Ugh. Brain is not working and will not let me write a post.
Eric: Oh. Well you could write about how sexy I am.
Me: Yeah. No. I do not think so.
Eric: *RANDOM Change of subject* WHAT IS THAT?
Ashleigh: It's a bear, doing a dolphin from behind with a ball gag in its mouth. Sexy.

I really do not know why they are looking at animal porn. In fact. I did not even want to know what they were gasping at.

Hmmmkay.

OH! Right. So today I taught lab. And while I was teaching lab, my boss came in and was looking at the mold cultures we have, and was all "OH NO! Why did these get shaken up. They are not supposed to be shaken up."

My response?

"Oh. We were having a mold fiesta and those cultures were our maracas."

I do not think that my boss was very pleased. I got some chuckles from the students though.

Oh. And then. AND THEN. I look up and there is a GIANT fly head model staring down at me from one of the cabinets. No bueno. Absolutely no bueno.

Yeah. I think I am going to go and study for my test.

I will try and be more entertaining tomorrow.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

This post is going to suck mostly because its 1:42 and I need sleep but I also need to update

I think the title of this blogpost pretty much says it all. I got really busy studying/superbowling/screaming at the TV/ working on my webcomic and completely slacked off on writing the most for tonight.

Yeah. So basically there will be two posts for today/tomorrow/whatever day this post gets classified as.

I promise lots ridiculous insanity is on the way when I recount the events of my weekend. I just do not have the capacity to relay it right now.

The only significant news I really can convey is that I FINALLY have the first comic in my webcomic up.

I found a really neat webcomic hosting place. You can find my comic here.

The strip is called Rated R for Ridiculous. Har har, I know I am amazing.

Also what the ell there is a creepy moving plasticized humanoid robot with a vacuum as a penis. In fact, he just called it his groinal socket. Apparently he can attach hedge clippers too. I am fucking confused and mortified. Alright. Time for sleeping now.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I do not know why my roomate just said "I am totally putting that in my vagina" but I am kind of frightened.

Okay. So I am getting a lot better at updating. I think this is the fourth day in a row that I have updated consistently.Admiration and praise is acceptable and expected.

Go head, I will wait.

So anyway, I think that today's blog is going to be all about my  two of my room mates and how horrible/amazing they are. I am only focusing on two today because my third roomate (and BESTIE), Ashleigh, deserves a whole post to herself. That is how terrible/awesome she is.

Okay, so I am going to start with Wendy.


I do not know her very well. What I do know is that she is from China and is basically terrified of me. Mostly because one day she walked into the apartment in mid-rant as I was screaming "IF YOU DO NOT STOP MESSAGING ME I WILL CUT YOUR TOES OFF AND FEED THEM TO A DEAD BEAVER."

....Yeah. That was one of my finer moments.

Anyway, her claim to fame in the apartment is making Chinese food and randomly popping in and out. We do not see her much. I think that is mostly my fault.

Also, I totally told her I needed her picture for a class project because I did not know how to explain why I needed it for my blog. I might be a terrible person. And by might I mean I am.
Then we have KRB. She asked me to disguise her picture because she did not want to be associated with my blog. I cannot say I blame her.

OH WAIT YES I CAN.

Right, Here she is:
 

Yeah. KRB is pretty epic. When she is not preaching at me about being a better person, or not swearing...or whatever. I remember this one time I was asking her to share her blanket with me because I was cold, and she thought I was just being an idiot and harassing her, so when I tried to take part of the blanket she totally clawed my arm to shreds. True.Story. 
Then I sprayed her with a water bottle (that part is not true. I totally shrieked like a little girl and rolled around on the floor)


FUCK ASHLEIGH JUST TOOK MY PICTURE AND NOW ALL I CAN SEE ARE SPOTS. She also ran in and yelled "I AM THE ULTIMATE MUFF DIVER" 

I think I might kill her. FUCKING SPOTS. AUGH.

And no, I do not mean fucking spots literally. That would be difficult, as the only reason I am seeing them is because of my retina, and I am pretty sure my retina and vagina will NEVER come into physical contact. 
Except now that I said that some serial killer is going to come and rip my eye out and then shove it into my vagina. DAMMIT. 

......Right.

Back to KRB. 

So basically she is pretty hilarious, but is a muuuuuch better person than me. No joke. She swears exactly once a month, goes to church every Sunday,  and all sorts of good stuff. But then she will come out with random racist jokes and Ashleigh and I would be like "O.O WHAT THE HELL BAHAHAHAHA"

So yeah. I do not really have much else to say about her. Well, I do but I need to hurry up and finish this because I have a test, a quiz, and homework due tomorrow, AND I need to finish grading papers, AND I need to go grocery shopping.

Do not DARE judge me POOMSOSA. 

Hold on. My roomate just told me that I could not share a fork with her because I have gonorrhea. Apparently she is under the misconception that I use my vagina to hold eating utensils. Again with the whole face and vagina never meeting. Ugh. GET IT RIGHT PEOPLE.


Okay. So Random update time before I finish grading papers:

1. Ashtard (BESTIE) and I have a SUPER AWESOME HAND SHAKE .You should all go check it out.
2. I have a prelim sketch of the "theme" picture for my webcomic preliminarily finished. I am including it below. 
3. I think Ashtard just tried to nom on my charger while it was connected to the wall. I am confused. She may or may not be on drugs.

4. I have an audition on Sunday. I hope it goes well.

5. Apparently Ashtard also has dysentery and wants a carbonite cake of Han Solo to celebrate her divorce.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

In which Hitler is a Super Saiyan, Sir Peen finds a mate, and I debunk a common TV misconception

Okay, before I commence with the main attractions of this blog post, I have a random rant to go on. As usual, it is about some stupid ass commercial that happens to be on TV when I type up my post.

The Rant of the Day (TM) is brought to you by  that commercial where Mary Kay talks about her mom and how she gave her advice and she created that heart diamond thing. And then they say that the advice was "Keep your heart open, and love will always find away in."


This is INCORRECT.

If you keep your heart open, which should NEVER HAPPEN unless you are having heart surgery, INFECTION will invite its way in. And then you will have heart failure, and you will either die or have brain damage because your heart shuts down and cuts off the blood supply to your brain.

Okay. On with the show:



OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD OHMY GOD OHMYGOD

I HAVE COME ACROSS A GOLD MINE OF LOL.

Go look at it. Now. It will take you a while to watch, but FUCKING LOL

DRAGON BALL Z, DIARY OF ANNE FRANK FANFICTION CROSS OVER.

YES. SOMEONE FUCKING DID THAT.

FUCKING SUPER SAIYAN HITLER. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHHAAH!

Can you IMAGINE? God. I surely cannot.

Fucking super saiyan Hitler. That is so terrifying and inappropriate.

Also, does that mean that Goku's kids are half Jew, half Saiyan now?

HAHAHAHAHAAH

Okay, I think I have efficiently and effectively conveyed my mirth about that video.

AHAHA

Okay. Now I am done.

SOOO. I have to admit I actually do not have much to talk about in this blog post. I (sadly) did not have any extraordinary awesome shenanigans today.

Except I did almost get killed on the road. And by killed I mean flipped off by people who thought I was beeping at them because they took EIGHTY THOUSAND YEARS to turn into my apartment complex. Except it was not me that beeped the horn. It was my bestie Ashleigh. Because I may or may not have been eating a rootbeer float while driving/slowing down behind this decrepit idiot who waited for like five minutes to finally turn because there cars on the road. And no, the cars were not close.

Ugh.

So yeah. She beeped the horn, and the guy started to go, then saw a car down the road, and stopped again. So she held the horn down.

This kinda ticked me off a little bit.

I, of course protested, to which she replied "Oh please. You know you wanted to do the same thing. I'm your own personal Tyler Durden."

So yeah. Apparently I am a multiple-personality imbued insomniac who enjoys violence and sexing up random people.

Except not really. Because I am totally asexual like that.

Hmmm...OH! I Sir Peen has a mate! Her name is Duchess of Vag. Here, have a picture of the happy couple:



OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I cannot believe I almost forgot this POOMSOSA!

This month is celebrity look alike week. Now, I know that I am totally one of a kind and original, but I have to say that I found someone who looks almost exactly like I do.



Me

Celebrity Look Alike

The similarity is striking, no? 

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Beauty should be rated on a scale of One to Vagina

Actual quote from my apartment not two seconds ago:

Tv: "I'm a Christian. I'm a Jew. In case you couldn't tell."

Me: BAHAAHAHA

Ashleigh: "Are you laughing about the Jew commercial?"

Me: "What else would I be laughing at?"

I think I might be slightly a terrible person. But, just to clarify, I am not an anti-Semite. I am pro-Semite. It comes with the whole loving Jesus thing, cause He loves everyone, and is also Jewish.

I just think that the term "Jew" is hilarious.

Riiiiight.

So today has been a very genital-esque day. I never thought I would be able to describe a day in my life with that term, but it is entirely true.
Why has my day been genital-esque, you ask? Do not worry POOMSOSA. I will tell you.
Firstly, I was linked to this site .
Go look. I will wait.

….

FUCKING. VULVA. NECKLACES.
You are not imagining what you just saw. Coincidentally, you cannot un-see that image either. So, I guess sorry about that.


“Each piece is an original, one of a kind hand sculpted image of its owner to remind her that regardless of what the world and the people in it may tell her: she is beautiful.”


WHO ACTUALLY THINKS THAT? I mean, can you imagine POOMSOSA?
“Excuse me sir, can you rate this woman’s beauty on a rank of 1 to Vagina, where 1 is hideous, and vagina is smoking hot?

I think this should be the new Miss America Scale. I think I will be

Also, LOL another conversation from like two seconds ago:

Kristin: “Whatever. You’re a faggot for wanting to get a vagina necklace.”

Amber: “It’s not just any vagina, it’s MY vagina.”

Kristin: “Whatever you perv. What do you do, get down there and take a mold of your vagina.”

Amber: “No. You send them pictures and they design it from that.”

Kristin: “Yeah I bet it is a bunch of perverts looking at vagina pictures.”

Amber: “No. I’m sure it’s a completely respectable establishment.”


Also, try this awesomeness on for size.

Yes. They did. They have a UTERUS PILLOW. Fucking awesome.

AND OOOH! OOH! LET US PLAY SPOT THE RACISM:

“Worried that your uterus is too small? Wow them the next time you go to the gynecologist, be the envy of all of your peers. Why is this Spanish woman so happy? Just look at the size of her uterus! Order now and see instant results! All that and a money back guarantee!”
I gave you a little hint. Just in case.

Okay. So those random, disgusting, and shocking links aside, here are some things that have been happening in my life lately.

A)I bought a new TV! IT is awesome! I love it!
B)I HAVE A NEW PET! His name is Sir Peen. Here is a picture of him:

C)School is still terrible.
D)I need to stop writing this and work on my webcomic.

Right. I think I am done for the day. See you all tomorrow.
Well. I will not really see you because I cannot see through the screen. But whatever.

Monday, February 1, 2010

DATING IS EXACTLY LIKE HOW IT IS IN VIDEO GAMES GUYS

Okay. So I definitely have a kick ass (in my not so humble opinion) post for you all today, but first I would like to give a giant WARP FACTOR FUCK YOU to online Physics homework.

WARP FACTOR FUCK YOU ONLINE PHYSICS HOMEWORK. YOUR SHENANIGANS ARE NOT APPRECIATED.

Okay, now that I have that out of my system, HI POOMSOSA!

Right. So a couple of people have messaged me and asked what POOMSOSA means. This tells me A)That they are not insane enough to go back 39 entries or so and read the first post and B)That they are also not strong/worthy enough to withstand 39 or so entries of my complete and pure awesome. (HINT: The first one is more accurate.)

So here is the definition of POOMSOSA:

POOMSOSA (Noun/Verb/Whatever I want it to be because I am sexy and I Do what I want): People outside of my sphere of social awareness. See: EVERYONE

Mmkay. Yay. That is cleared up now. Maybe I should put the definition on the side of my blog. This is something to ponder as I am lying awake at night.

ALRIGHT.

So after my last blog post, I started thinking about the whole dating thing, and I realized that with the amount of failure I have had in that department (and that is a lot because I have never dated anyone before. I think I am too shy and demure or something...) that I know enough to write a complete guide to getting a boyfriend.

And you, my loyal POOMSOSA people, are going to get a preview of that guide. This I do for you because I am awesome, and I appreciate your attention because I am an attention whore.

Okay. So, here we go.



Excerpt From: "The Complete Idiot's Reject's Woman's Guide to Landing That Special Someone"

"Step One: Find someone you like. Normally, in life, there are about 5 eligible bachelors around, each with a neatly packaged personality. I am including a helpful guide to these five types of men for you, free of charge.

Male A: Really douchey asshole who no one really fucking likes but is really hot, so everyone deals with them for the peen. Which is probably small and way over rated. Probably works in a bar.

Male B: Really shy, nerdy dude who is intelligent and maybe not as attractive as the others, but probably has a large peen and is a gentle, passionate lover. Probably works in a library.

Male C: Fire crotch. Very Fiery tempered red head who probably works on a farm. Probably (see: IS) a furry. Has a heart of gold, and eats way too damn much.

Male D: The chubby food connoisseur. Probably works at a bakery. Chocolate will probably be involved in your love making. May also have a really decrepit grandmother living with him for some reason. 

Male E: One of those flamers who is not really gay. Has strange colored hair, and is more bipolar than a bipolar polar bear (and that is a LOT of polar). Might be a cross dresser. There will be lots of make up sex because you will fight A LOT.

Step 2: Figure out what kind of gifts and hobbies they like/have.
This is very important. I recommend you Google a guide for this specific person. Keep in mind that you will always have a rival, and they will ALWAYS have known each other since birth. IGN is a good place to find guides, BTW.
Step 3: ASSAULT THEM WITH GIFTS THREE TIMES A DAY, EVERYDAY
Food is the way to a man’s heart(attack).  You should definitely make food and bring it over to them a lot. But make sure you make balanced meals because men are like turkeys and get fat really easily. Unless you are a chubby chaser, in which case, FATTEN THAT BITCH UP!
NOTE:  Your chosen male may be creeped out by your constant flow of gifts. He may lock his doors, avoid you, or file a restraining order. DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE AND PREVAIL AT ALL COSTS. Also, make sure you keep a lawyer on retainer, just in case things get heated. Just do not forget that that heat is a sign of the deep love he has for you. FO REAL.
Step 4: Keep a close eye on his heart color.
As your man grows in fondness for you, his heart will change colors. I am including guide below of what the different colors mean:
  • White: Indifferent
  • Blue: FRIEND ZONE  
  • Green: I like you but I will not say anything because I am a macho bastard/too shy.   
  • Yellow: Friends with benefits
  • Pink: HUBBA HUBBA BABY LETS DO THE NASTY
Now, I realize that a man’s heart is buried deep within his chest, so these heart colors are impossible to see with the naked eye. So how do you check them? Chloroform and a heart catheter, ladies. Chloroform and a heart catheter. The procedure is actually simple to do, if you bribe a surgeon (or take an online class. That is another option of choice).
IMPORTANT NOTE: Make sure that the yellow you think is yellow heart is a vibrant yellow and not a dull gross yellow. Dull gross yellow means that your man has LOTS OF PLAQUE BUILD UP AND IS ABOUT TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK, in which case you should either A) Alert them B) Trick them into marrying you and then take out a life insurance policy or C) Find another man.
Step 4: Give the pink hearted man a blue feather.
Cultural institutions require that a large blue feather be presented to your lover to request marriage. Normally they sell these at the tool shop, but you can probably find one at Wal-Mart because those bitches have everything.
Step 5: GET MARRIED
IF this is not self-explanatory, GTFO my blog.

And there you have it ladies! Five easy steps to landing that special man in your life. All of this should take you about 2 seasons, but if you are really pro you can do it 1 season. If you have any dire questions that are not answered here, you might find a very useful guide here.
Or you can email me. Or Twitter me. Whichever.
Happy man-hunting! "

DISCLAIMER: I may or may not have borrowed all of my man-hunting techniques from Harvest Moon, and you may or may not want to actually try them. The POWER IS YOURS! 
CAPTAIN PLANET! HE'S OUR HERO! 

...Okay I am done.




Friday, January 29, 2010

My vagina is VIP only, and none of your penii are on the guest list

Dear Men of the World,
Contrary to popular belief, I am not dying to have your glistening man horn buried in my velvety sheath. I have declared myself asexual until such a time that I will have any sorry son of a bitch who may get me pregnant legally bound to me and the hell spawn that will come out of me. If I have to suffer, so do you.
That is all,
Me
AUGH. I wish I could convey the absolute irritation I am feeling over all this “GET MARRIED, BE IN A RELATIONSHIP, HAVE SEX” bullshit. I cannot believe I ever got all upset about not having a boyfriend. Ever. Just looking at my past self I go “GOD I WAS A FUCKING RETARD WHAT THE HELL?”. Seriously. I have gotten to the point where I have to resist the urge to yell “IT IS A TRAP! RUN AWAY!” at any girl or guy holding hands, or giggling with each other or even within 20 feet of each other.
Seriously. I swear that the stars have aligned in some perverse way so that many of my friends are like “OMG THIS SEX IS AWESOME. YOU MUST HAVE IT.”

Example: Excerpts from a recent conversation between me and a friend:
Friend: wanna watch/make porn?
Me: NO
Friend: not even a little bit? amateur softcore?
Me:: Not even a little bit
Friend: ....do you have a camera?
Me:: ..........
Me:: What the hell is with your obsession of getting me to have sex?
Friend: *shrugs*
Friend: just seems like it might be fun
Me:: Well knock it off.
Me:: I am not interested in sex.
Friend: or so you believe
Me:: Yes. I do believe that. And it is my prerogative to do so.
If I decided I want to have sex with someone, it will be on my own time with no urging from anyone else.
So please shut the fuck up about it already


Seriously. C’mon guys. Sex is not required for me. I do not wake up in the morning and go “Man, I really hope I can have my vagina pillaged today.” Because that is what sex is: Pillaging of the vagina. Therefore, every man is a Viking.
I am not fond of Vikings pillaging anything, let alone my “bud of maidenhood”.
As quoth my my mother: “I can live without the peen.”
Yeah. My mom referred to a penis as a peen.
While I was driving down the road.
On a busy highway.
Death was almost had.
My mom is truly bad ass, but she lacks the correct timing of when to send me into fits of laughter.
Right. In other news, I definitely linked breast milk to missiles in three steps. Nothing says CLASSY PRO like being able to link breast milk to missiles. Try that on for size.
Okay, so serious life shenanigans that I am considering/have already done/am going through right now.
-I have a SUPER FUCKING AWESOME prank planned. I will not post any details on here for fear of the prank-e finding out what is about to go down.
-I am going to buy a tablet and start a web comic of my daily shenanigans. Maybe. This all depends on if I can overcome my intense need for perfection in my drawing, and the innate laziness that overtakes almost everything I do. 
-I might upload some of the sketches I have drawn of the characters on DA. If I do, and if I remember, I will try to get links up on here. Not that anyone reads my blog. Probably. I get like one comment a month, so it is hard to tell.
-I have been sick for three weeks now. SHENANIGANS. I should probably go see the campus doctor, as I have an audition for a musical coming up.
-I may or may not be recording a song with my cousin this weekend. More on this to come. 


Hmmm. I guess that is all for right now.


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I am so pro that I put the pro in procrastination

FDJSKALFABLARGHL

SCHOOL IS KICKING MY ASS ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Right. So basically I have not updated. That would be because SCHOOL IS KICKING MY ASS ALL OVER THE PLACE. Yeah. ALL OVER.

This is definitely divine retribution for when I was all "LYK LOLOL I HAVE AN EZ SEMESTER GAIS" before the semester started. Fucking. Mistake. I am now learning that taking non-Biology classes entails FAR more work than I thought was even possible.

I have HOMEWORK. What kind of self-respecting college professor gives homework? (Do not answer that question.)

Blah. Okay. So quick update on stuff that has been happening in my life while I have not been here.

1. Leo (the guy who got my mom preggers with me) randomly started contacting me again. This is the first time in about 10 years that I have been talking to him. Believe it or not I am being totally benevolent and talking to him and trying to be all forgiving and Christ like and blah blah blah. Long story short that shit is HARD. I keep typing stuff like "Yeah. I am really sorry about that even though you are a sorry bastard who was not in my life..." and then I have to backspace. It takes me about an hour to write these emails. But he has cancer, apparently, so I cannot really ignore him. That would be a total bitch move.

2. My cousin started DNB Entertainment. He wants to be a talent manager, and like I typed about two seconds ago, started a company. He has some tracks out (I think), and has asked me to record some stuff for him. I might be famous. FANFUCKINGTASTIC. Notoriety and attention is what I crave, afterall.

3. School is a bitch, and I recently decided that ACU is not the place I should be at, but I am kind of a JENIOR (Junior Senior Hybrid thing) so it would be super retarded for me to change schools at this point. So basically I am just going to make the most of my time here while quietly (or not so quietly) mocking and protesting everything I dislike about my university. Needless to say, I will be choosing Grad Schools WAAAAAAY more carefully.

4.The Murder Mystery is going well.

5. I should be doing homework right now, but instead I am writing this blogpost.

Alright. So I am going to do my Elementary Statistics (GAG ME) homework now. The only reason this class is even slightly redeemable, just in case you were wondering, is because I have the most awesome professor ever, who coincidentally used to be my counselor. CRAZY? I THINK SO.

Monday, January 18, 2010

2012 will really happen when China gets addicted to chocolate.

Stupidest Idea Ever . Go ahead, read it POOMSOSA.

Yeah. You read that right. They built an 80 ton replica of the Great Wall of China out of chocolate to ENTICE CHINESE PEOPLE TO BUY MORE CHCOCOLATE.

What the hell. I mean, really, what message are these people sending to the people of China.

"Hey guys. You all do not eat enough chocolate, so we made a replica of one of your oldest and most beloved monuments out of the stuff. Which basically means you HAVE TO LOVE CHOCOLATE OR YOU DO NOT LOVE THE GREAT WALL WHICH MEANS YOU DO NOT LOVE CHINA. YOU HERITAGE IS IN QUESTION. Diabetic? TOO BAD!"

I can imagine  how well that would go over with the Chinese. Not to mention they used dark chocolate, the WORST KIND.

I honestly do not see the problem with Chinese people not eating an abundance of chocolate. I mean, really. Too much chocolate can lead to an increase of sugar-related diseases and stuff, and I do not think China wants that either.

OH! And then there was the part about chocolate being as common in the West as fruit or milk.

I would like to know what western consumer in their right mind is all "Okay. Shopping list time. Let me start with the essentials: milk, cheese, bread, chocolate, fruit, butter..".

If you are that person, I will cut your head off because clearly something is wrong with you.

CHOCOLATE IS A LUXURY AN OCCASIONALLY A NEEDED BAKING GOOD. IT IS NOT A STAPLE EVEN IF YOU ARE WOMAN IN MID-MENSTRUAL CYCLE.

GAH. I mean people can get addicted to that stuff. Some people even become all zombie-esque and stuff.

Oh.My.God.

WHAT IF THE ENTIRE NATION OF CHINA GOT ADDICTED TO CHINA AND THEN TURNED INTO ZOMBIES?!?!

NOOOOOOOOOO!

China has BILLIONS of people. Shit. This is the beginning of 2012 guys. It is not a tectonic event. It is a zombie apocalypse.

Excuse me while I got destroy every bit of chocolate in my house. It is not much, but it is something.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Okay.

So over the past few months, I have helped my family members (i.e. Mother, Aunt, Grandmother, Uncle, etc) make Facebook accounts. I figured this would not be a problem because, you know, I do not put anything on my Facebook that I would not want my family to see. I am classy like that.

FAULTY ASSUMPTIONS 101:

Over the past month, my ENTIRE FAMILY has become addicted to Farmville, Fishville, and numerous other Facebook games that I used to play and quit because I got bored with them. My Aunt has made a FB account for her husband so she can play Farmville x2, and I also made the mistake of telling her that I had two alternate accounts. She plays on those, and sometimes on my main account.

My mom did the same thing for Gary, except she made an account so Kira would stay out of her stuff.

I have more home-bound friends on those accounts than I do on my account for myself.

And then, AND THEN, I get calls and emails, and FB messages and I think they even figure out how to telekinetic powers to contact me to ask about different FB things.

I am a fool who flew too close to the sun with wax-bound wings. Woe is me!


Haha, actually, I do not mind it that much because on the flip side I get to talk to my family a whole bunch more while I am off at college, which is A-OK by me because I kinda miss them.

ALSO! I gave my mother my old laptop, so now she has a mic and webcam and a working computer, so I can talk to them on Skype, which is really fun because I actually get to see my sister. Sure I cannot actually hug her, but it is better than not being able to see her at all.

Alright, so this was just a little random update to warn people against the perils of having your entire family on FB.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

I have discovered a purpose for allergies


Actual quote from two seconds ago: "My cussing is getting so much fucking better guys." Yeah. Any progress I made up until this point just flew out the window.
Also, I swear I just heard Ashleigh just say "Amber can I use your feces." She insists that she said "Amber can I use your tweezers?" but given her disposition toward saying random things, I think I am right.
Hahah. Right.
So, school started again, and we are almost one week in. If you want a reason for why I have not updated for eight plus days, then there you go. I have definitely been running around like a headless horseman (HAHA I BET YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO SAY HEADLESS CHICKEN RIGHT? GOTCHA!) trying to get everything sorted out and settled. Wooo. I love the beginning of the semester.


That was a lie. Bad me.


Right. So. I think the chaos and stress of the beginning of the semester, along with other more personal things have caused my fragile hold on sanity to snap. (If you just thought "Hey Amber, you had no grasp on sanity in the first place”, I am going to cut your head off POOMSOSA).


The other night I had this crazy dream that there was this crazy zombie cat that killed me. Except these people cast a Phoenix Down on me (I know, I know, I am a major game geek), and since I had been killed once, I was immune to its poison so they were like "Kill it or we will kill you". So I went through the whole dream battling this demon cat. I kept killing it, but because it was a cat it had nine lives, except since it was a zombie it had OVER 9000 lives. Yes. Vegeta really told me that in my dream (Also LOL MS Word’s spelling suggestion for Vegeta is Vegetate. New nick name? I think so). So I keep killing it, and someone videos it and shows /b/ from 4chan. And they get all up in arms and try to get me arrested because I they are awesome and have that kind of power, and also do not know that this cat will threaten all of humanity and destroy the internet (I know, this is all insane and geeky).
Right. So definitely I finally manage to reduce this cat to a small part of its head and a little scrap of its skin, so we think it is dead, but then the scraps TRY AND RIP OUT MY SPINE, except I had a flame thrower and flamed myself in the back and yelled “FLAME ON BITCH”, and that was the end of the evil zombie cat from hell. Except then another one showed up, so the first thing I did was rip out fangs so that it could not poison anyone, but it turned out that this cat was a magical wish granting cat that was coming to give me a bunch of wishes because I defeated its evil brother. I did not get the wishes because I hurt it, and also its magical powers spawned from its fangs.
I definitely woke up screaming “CURSE YOU IMPULSE VIOLENCE” really loud.
So yeah.
Can you IMAGINE what would happen if there was an evil zombie cat? I cringe at the thought. Cats are smart, and cunning, AND EVIL. They would infect their brethren and then take over the world, which would suck if they enslaved me because I am totally allergic to cats.
OH MY GOD! I COULD BE A HUMAN EVIL ZOMBIE CAT DETECTOR! JFKDLSAJFLKJADSKLFSADJBLARGL
I AM HYPERVENTILATING RIGHT NOW.
Seriously POOMSOSA! If these cats started to converge on other cats and humans, we could form task forces against them and ALLERGIES WOULD HAVE A PURPOSE OTHER THAN TORTURE.


YES YES YES YES YES!
Freaking yes.




Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I AM CLASSY

POOOMMMSSSOOOOSSSAAAAAA

I am back with a new blog post FOUR DAYS AFTER MY LAST ONE!
Be proud of me or perish!

Right. Moving on.

So, it is a new year! We all know this.

That is why I bring you…..

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION 2010! (cue dramatic music)
I think that I have finally come up with a realistic resolution that I can adhere to.

What is my resolution, you ask?

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION 2010: STOP USING CONTRACTIONS WHEN I WRITE THINGS.

Now, I know what you are thinking POOMSOSA:

“But Amber, you are inherently lazy, and contractions are the lazy route. Why would you not use them?”

I, being the infinitely awesome person that I am, have an answer for you:

I WILL NOT USE CONTRACTIONS, SO THAT I WILL BE MORE CLASSY!

Which brings me to NEW YEAR RESOLUTION 2010 NUMBER TWO:

Be more inherently classy!

(Dear Eric, if you comment on my blog and tell me that I cannot be more inherently classy like you just did when you were screen watching me on my couch, I will stab you in the trachea. ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH CHRIST! Also, lol, I totally wrote “ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE FOR CHRIST at first cause I was thinking about myself and my subconscious apparently thinks I am Jesus. I am a total narcissist.)

I guess that being inherently more classy means I need to cut down on how much I swear, but if that is the price I must pay, then SO BE IT. CLASSY-NESS (and auto-searching word for curse words) IS IN MY FUTURE!

YEEEEEES

Right.

So other life happenings:

--I am officially back at school for the semester (which does not actually start until January 11th)

--Rehearsals for the Murder Mystery start on Sunday. I am "TEH EXCITEDSZORS"

--MY BESTIE IS MOVING IN WITH ME FOR THE SEMESTER! I think I will soon be losing Wendy, my other roomate who I think is terrified of me anyway because this is her first time in America, and I am pretty sure that I am the loudest American ever, and that Ashleigh (my bestie) is the second loudest American ever.

AND LOL I FOUND A BLOG THAT I WROTE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

Tracheotomy

HAHAHAHAH! I MADE MYSELF ROFL EVEN BACK THEN.
CAPSLOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR AWESOME

Okay, now that I have that out of my system, here is a little info on this blog:

It was called Idiot Deatomizer, and completely explains why I could not register this blog domain as subatomictomato.blogspot.com . I decided that most of the posts were really embarrassing and deleted all of them, but in my quest for attention and laughs, I decided to take the post that made me rofl really hard and put it on here as an insight for you all into my high school mind.



The act of doing this will make this post really long, so feel free to stop reading right now.

Also, I was apparently a lot more violent and a lot more angry at the world back then. So proceed with caution and the knowledge that I would never actually kill anyone unless it was in self-defense. So without further ado, here is a post from Idiot Deatomizer:










….HAHA GOTCHA!










Okay, here is the old post, for real this time.









….HAHA GOTCHA AGAIN!

Okay, here is the post for real.

Imagine this:

You are walking down the street, minding your own business, when you see a little old lady walking up a hill, pushing this REALLY shopping cart. What do you do?

A) Laugh and point and do nothing.
B) Laugh and point and then push her back down the hill.
C) Laugh and point and imitate her.
D) Actually grow some courage and go help the old lady.

If you picked A... You are stupid
If you Picked B... You are still stupid... Wait.... Hold on a second. Phone call.

It is Jesus.

Jesus uses smite button and hits Idiot for 15,624 points of damage.
Idiot was defeated by Jesus.

(If you do not get the reference, I would advise you to kindly stop using the internet.)

I you picked C... I hear there is a killer freak show coming to town. I bet you could kill their performing monkey and replace him. You have the talent.

If you picked D... You have obviously taken some kind of drugs or you might actually be some type of a good person. Congratulations.

Seriously. It is called COMMON COURTESY people. No, that is not some kind of disease.

Here, let me attempt to educate you "hoods" (as you insist on being called) for a second.

com•mon ( P ) (kmn)adj. com•mon•er, com•mon•est
Occurring frequently or habitually; usual.

cour•te•sy ( P ) (kûrt-s)n. pl. cour•te•sies
A. Polite behavior.
B. A polite gesture or remark.

Put two and two together and you might actually have some form of dignity.

I am sure you have a hard life. I am sure everyone is out to get you.

But hey, guess what.... I bet people would like you more if you actually cared about someone else. Maybe they might even help you.

Now I am not saying be a doormat or anything. By all means, do not do that. You might catch some nasty STD or something...

But if you see an old lady pushing three times her weight up a hill, help her.

No, I am not the nicest person in the world. No, I do not like people. Yes, I am fond of being cruel to them in text or verbal based ways.

You want to know the difference between me and a psychopath killer?

I do stuff for other people, occasionally. And no, that does not include murdering them to put them out of their misery.

You know those hobos out on the street? Yeah, guess what, not all of them are lazy bozos who do not want to get a job. Some of them have excuses. Like...well... low minimum wage. Some homeless people even have jobs. They are not just there to drain the welfare system, and they are not there to irritate you.

NEWSFLASH: Other people live in this world too.

NEWSFLASH: You have to live on this world with those other people.

It would make things a hell of a lot easier if people just decided to help others every once in a while. But it is like people have this ungodly allergic reaction to the little verb known as "help".

Here is an example:

OMGOMGOMG! YOU ACTUALLY EXPECT ME TO HELP THAT INVALID? WHY CAN HE NOT JUST GET UNPARALZYED AND FEED HIMSELF! GOD! DRAIN ON THE ECONOMYBLAHBLAHBLAH.....

And then little Cindy is hit by a bus and becomes an invalid herself. And guess what? NO ONE HELPS HER EITHER.She then becomes an invalid and dies of starvation.

KARMA IS A BITCH, IS IT NOT?

So next time you have the urge to laugh at some unfortunate other being, put yourself in their shoes... and then beat yourself with a courtesy manual.



Sunday, January 3, 2010

Wherein my sister reduces my Christmahannukah-esque holiday into smoldering ruins

Okay. I haven't updated my blog since Christmas, but that's a considerably smaller time window than normal. That gives me bonus points right?

Ahaha. Right. Moving on.

So basically what happened was that we had like, a Hanukkah type Christmas for no apparent reason other than people just didn't want to meet on Christmas day. Which is, you know, just plain disrespectful.

So Christmas day number one was the actual day of Christmas. I posted that day, so we all know how that goes.

Christmas day number two was the 26th when my mom finally decided to show up with my little sister. Basically my Mom called and was like "We want Kira to have Christmas day at home for once in her life. She never has before."

To which I replied "Wow, thanks Mom. The one time she has I was there."

I'm pretty sure that means that my mom just automatically forgets about situations with me in them because she has Kira now and can focus on her.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL Jk. I hope my mom doesn't read this because if she does she's going to call and be like "AMBER ROSE! I AM SICK OF YOUR BULLSHIT!" and then I will laugh and banter with her. She will be unappreciative. Kind of like my sister when she opened her presents.

Which brings me to Christmas #2:

Kira had OVER 9000 presents under the tree when she got here. I was excited because the best presents she got were from me. Mostly because I was the one who got her what she has been asking for all year.Okay. I'm getting ahead of myself. So she opens her presents and is really excited about the Bumblebee Transformer helmet I got her, and she's excited about the Jr. Microscope kit I got her because, for some reason I can't explain, she wants to be just like me when she grows up, and therefore has to be able to do science.

What she doesn't know is that the best Christmas present ever for her is waiting under the tree. Well, technically it was for her and my mom, because well, Kira is six years old. This will all make sense in a second.

So she finishes opening her OVER 9000 presents, and is all "I am le sad because there are no more presents."

On a side not, GOD I hope she doesn't turn out like this kid ever.

Okay, so then I'm all "VOILA! KIRA! This is a present for you from me."

And she tears the paper open, all excited. She gets to the brown box beneath the paper, and eagerly opens that to find a new laptop for their house, and promptly goes...

"Oh. A new laptop." Shoves it at my mom, and goes to play with some cheap ass toy cars my aunt got her.


WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?!?!

I GOT HER A LAPTOP AND SHE'S JUST GOING TO DIS IT FOR SOME FREAKING MATCHBOX KNOCK OFF CARS?!

I am displeased.

Children are fickle.

I think maybe this was a lesson from Jesus that Christmas is about Him and not giving gifts. But still..... KNOCK OFF MATCHBOX CARS? C'mon! IT could have at least been something cool, like the Transformer helmet.

Excuse me while I go and cry in the darkness. QQ