Friday, December 18, 2009

Why do you make me judge you America?

Okay. I normally don't have a problem with giant conglomerate corporations. Honestly, they give me cheap stuff to buy, and I am poor, so that's okay with me. When I'm older and have more money and a real job, I will try and buy more expensive stuff that is probably made more ethically.

Whatever.

I can deal with a lot of stuff, but when Walmart starts to discriminate against people, I get ANGRY! And trust me, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry. It's like the Hulk Smash, except ten times less epic and destruction-y.

Right. So the other day I'm chillin' in my local Walmart, and I come upon the hosiery section. If you don't know what that is, use the blatant context clues coming up, or look it up on a dictionary. Okay, so I'm in the hosiery section, and I look down to see "Brown Sugar" pantie hose. So I"m all "Cool. That African American lady looks okay with that remark, and I'm okay with it. OOH! I wonder what they call white people pantie hose, or Mexican pantie hose, or Native American, or Asian. This is a whole new world for me. I'm excited."

So I looked around. And all they had were these pantie hose called "Leggs" and some other generic kind and "Brown Sugar". That's it.

What.The Hell.

Where are the White Sugar, Caramel Lovin', and Maize Delight brands?

I AM OFFENDED THAT THEY ARE NOT OFFENDING ME WITH THEIR RACIALLY INSENSITIVE REMARKS!

Honestly, if you're going to be racist, Walmart, you need to offend everyone equally. I mean, hell, you're being racist in your racism. That's totally NOT CLASSY.

Grr.

OH! And then!

AND THEN

I see this article about a golden ratio for beauty.

What the hell is that all about? I mean seriously. You expect me to measure my face to see if it has the correct measurements to be mathematically and scientifically beautiful.

I can just imagine what trend this is going to set off. Pretty soon plastic surgeons are going to learn how to make people's eyes closer together, and their faces shorter, and people are going to be like

"OMG GAIS I AM SO PRETTY!" when really they're going to look like effed up goldfish.

Then people are going to start majoring in "Facial Beauty Science", and they'll have text books about how to beautiful, and pretty soon everyone is a clone of Shania Twain, and I'll refuse to get the surgery and these crazy ass surgeons will be all "CONFORM! ALL OF AMERICA MUST BE BEAUTIFUL!!!!" and then I'll be all "FUCK THAT! I AM BEAUTIFUL YOU JERKS!" and I'd be running all over the place dodging crazy people with over sized scalpels. But it'll be okay because I'm the freaking Raptor Empress, so I'll just sick my raptors on them, and there will be an epic battle, and I will win......

OH my God. This sounds like Inuyasha!!!

Just kidding. This is a much better plot than Inuyasha.

FJDSKLFJDLAS

And they also made a GREY'S ANATOMY video game for the Wii. WHAT THE HELL?!?

It's time for some Retina Stabbing.

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