Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas!

Normal blog titles, I am capable of them! BWAHAH!

Right, so Merry Christmas to whoever reads my drabbles on here. Bwahaha.

Now on to more important matters.

So imagine this, POOMSOSA:

You (and by you I mean me, of course) are creating a profile on MSN. You go to type Velociraptor into your interest box and quickly become enraged that it is not in the Mozilla Firefox auto-correct (MFAC) dictionary. (Side note: This WILL be rectified. I'm sending an email as soon as I'm done with this blog post)

Deciding to be smug and see what inferior term that MFAC suggests to correct the spelling, you right click and find this.

Yes. You read that right. Fucking Velocipedes.

TERROR ENSUES!

Except replace terror with awe and delight and the imaginings of a giant mutant centipede speeding around Earth, at my command, wreaking havoc and stealing candy from small children, and then you have the real picture.

Clearly, I am amused and excited.

Except THEN my jerk bag friend points out that Velocipedes are not centipedes on crack. They are not even MILLIPEDES (psh pansy non-poisonous inferior insects) that are faster than a speeding bullet.

OH no. Nothing that cool. Velocipedes are freaking NINETEENTH CENTURY BICYCLES!


Amber is NOT amused, ladies and gentlemen, not amused at all.

Firstly, whoever named "veloci"pedes CLEARLY knew nothing about the human language. I'm no Lance Armstrong, but I'm pretty sure those "velocipedes" are not fast at all. They look like they would have negative velocity going in the positive x direction.

This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back in time and slap someone with a frozen salmon, and then surprise tracheotomy them while simultaneously destroying their retinas.

AMBER MAD! AMBER SMASH!

Also, if you're looking for a secondly, I can't think of one. My bad.

Okay. Now that I'm off my soapbox, here's some stuff that's actually happening in my life:

1. I decided that I want to go into stem-cell research. Rest assured that you will be hearing about my research into grad schools and articles and stuff as I am amazed. (They already grew a trachea. This could come in handy with the amount of surprise tracheotomies I threaten to give on a daily basis.)

2. My best friend is visiting from California with my other new best friend Meg. YAY!

3. IT'S CHRISTMAS! JESUS WAS BORN TODAY HUZZAH!

Anyway, I think I'm done with this post. Go eat some last minute Christmas cookies and enjoy the rest of your holiday!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Why do you make me judge you America?

Okay. I normally don't have a problem with giant conglomerate corporations. Honestly, they give me cheap stuff to buy, and I am poor, so that's okay with me. When I'm older and have more money and a real job, I will try and buy more expensive stuff that is probably made more ethically.

Whatever.

I can deal with a lot of stuff, but when Walmart starts to discriminate against people, I get ANGRY! And trust me, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry. It's like the Hulk Smash, except ten times less epic and destruction-y.

Right. So the other day I'm chillin' in my local Walmart, and I come upon the hosiery section. If you don't know what that is, use the blatant context clues coming up, or look it up on a dictionary. Okay, so I'm in the hosiery section, and I look down to see "Brown Sugar" pantie hose. So I"m all "Cool. That African American lady looks okay with that remark, and I'm okay with it. OOH! I wonder what they call white people pantie hose, or Mexican pantie hose, or Native American, or Asian. This is a whole new world for me. I'm excited."

So I looked around. And all they had were these pantie hose called "Leggs" and some other generic kind and "Brown Sugar". That's it.

What.The Hell.

Where are the White Sugar, Caramel Lovin', and Maize Delight brands?

I AM OFFENDED THAT THEY ARE NOT OFFENDING ME WITH THEIR RACIALLY INSENSITIVE REMARKS!

Honestly, if you're going to be racist, Walmart, you need to offend everyone equally. I mean, hell, you're being racist in your racism. That's totally NOT CLASSY.

Grr.

OH! And then!

AND THEN

I see this article about a golden ratio for beauty.

What the hell is that all about? I mean seriously. You expect me to measure my face to see if it has the correct measurements to be mathematically and scientifically beautiful.

I can just imagine what trend this is going to set off. Pretty soon plastic surgeons are going to learn how to make people's eyes closer together, and their faces shorter, and people are going to be like

"OMG GAIS I AM SO PRETTY!" when really they're going to look like effed up goldfish.

Then people are going to start majoring in "Facial Beauty Science", and they'll have text books about how to beautiful, and pretty soon everyone is a clone of Shania Twain, and I'll refuse to get the surgery and these crazy ass surgeons will be all "CONFORM! ALL OF AMERICA MUST BE BEAUTIFUL!!!!" and then I'll be all "FUCK THAT! I AM BEAUTIFUL YOU JERKS!" and I'd be running all over the place dodging crazy people with over sized scalpels. But it'll be okay because I'm the freaking Raptor Empress, so I'll just sick my raptors on them, and there will be an epic battle, and I will win......

OH my God. This sounds like Inuyasha!!!

Just kidding. This is a much better plot than Inuyasha.

FJDSKLFJDLAS

And they also made a GREY'S ANATOMY video game for the Wii. WHAT THE HELL?!?

It's time for some Retina Stabbing.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

OH MY GOD NOVEMBER DISAPPEAREDEDEDED

....and by "disappearedededed" I really mean "disappeared" which really means that I was lazy/ busy with school/ in an insane asylum/ many other things and didn't post. My bad. I might actually get serious about blogging now, though, POOMSOSA--

HEY! Don't roll your eyes at me and think that this is the same old song and dance that you've heard before(even though it totally is). I will stab you. In the retina.

That's right. RETINA.STABBING.

I've moved up in the world.

Okay. So, in light of the fact that I went all narcoleptic-y for the ENTIRE MONTH OF NOVEMBER (and most of October, shut up conscience they didn't need to know that), I've decided to give you a little re-cap of what's been going on in my life. (It's totally not even a re-cap though because you haven't even had the cap...cap? I don't know how this works. Whatever. I'm moving on.)

TOP TEN CRAZY THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED IN AMBER'S LIFE (KIND-OF)RECENTLY

1. CORN BECAME A SENTIENT BEING. I hate to say I told you so, but I TOLD YOU SO!

2.My sister turned into a unicorn. Seriously, I have proofs. Here is your PIC OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN:

3. I became the newest Picasso and met a killer Penguin.

4. I found out that my mom is REALLY A FOUR YEAR OLD IN A THIRTY NINE YEAR OLD'S BODY!!!!!!

5. Walmart came out with a new, yet discreet, line of expensive polyester hand bags. AKA they are more over-priced now. Hurray!

6. HITLER Conquered the Smiley Face!!!!!!!

7. I judged the world to be at a NEW ALL TIME LOW!

8. Walmart ran out of Eggo Waffles. How does that even happen?

9. An I-Hop waiter gave me and my friends LEMONS AND SANS-LEMONS!

10. And last, but CERTAINLY NOT LEAST *Drum roll*:

Tiger Woods is going to play The Grinch in a new Christmas movie***


***This is not confirmed in any way possible.


So yeah, that's my life in a nutshell over the past couple of months. Hopefully I'll get back to actually posting.

Why the hell do you suddenly have two blogs?

Well, that's a good question. In light of recent..."developments" in my life,I have decided that ignoring my intellect and acting like a completely insane and sarcastic ass all the time is probably not a good idea.

THEREFORE! I have decided to have two blogs: One blog where I rant about random stuff, one that is SPECIFICALLY NOT PG RATED!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- IMPORTANT SHIT

^
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IMPORTANT SHIT!

Oh,and then the other one is going to be me actually talking about stuff in the world that I read about, and care enough about to share my opinion on. It will be full of humor and wit (hopefully), but will have actual sentiment. Hopefully.

Okay. I'm off to actually write something for the first time in months.