Wednesday, September 30, 2009

This is why people think I am insane/on drugs.

So I have time in between my classes, and I decided to write a blog post.

Hurray!

Okay, so recently there has been an increase in the number of people who ask me if I am on drugs or insane.

While I don't object to being asked if I'm insane, I do mind being asked if I'm on drugs. Mostly because, you know, I'm NOT on drugs.

Right. In lieu of this sudden influx of "are you on drugs kthxbai" questions, I decided that maybe there might be a reason everyone thinks I'm on drugs.

HELL YEAH SUPER HAPPY SHERLOCK HOLMES INVESTIGATION TIME! (I totally just yelled that out loud and got a bunch of really weird looks.

......Reason number one everyone thinks I'm on drugs: I yell random things that I think in public. Also, I spontaneously burst into laughter at inappropriate moments.

Right, so in this HYSHSHIT (LOL IT ENDS IN SHIT! IF YOU PRONOUNCE IT THE WAY I DO IN MY HEAD IT SOUNDS LIKE HIESH SHIT! HAHAHHAHAHAH! I AM IN MIDDLE SCHOOL LOL POOP JOKES!) I swear to God I didn't plan that acronym out...

OKAY! So in this HYSHSHIT (*giggle), I've discovered that I am pretty much the most drugged up person not on drugs I know.

Why? Here, I'll give you some examples in case any of you POOMSOSA have never personally talked to me:

Example Uno: My current status on Facebook

" Amber Deschamps R IS FOR RAPTOR CHILDREN! RAARRRRARARARARRRRAAAAARRRRRRRRR! *raptor noises*"

Subsequent comment conversation on said status:

KRB:I don't even want to know.

Amber (AKA ME):Yes you do. Also, I want a pet dinosaur.

KRB: Too bad.

Amber: You're mean! Just wait until I perfect cloning! I WILL BE NOT ONLY THE RAPTOR EMPRESS, BUT THE DINOSAUR OVERLORD! MWAHAH!! IT WILL BE LIKE T-REX CITY IN YOUR ROOM! RARARARARAAAARARAAAR *raptor noises*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/\~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DUNANAHNAH ~~(vvvv)~~~ JAWS BITCH!

......Right.


Example two: My way of consoling/offering help to the sick

Amber: Oh no. How are you feeling?

Christa: lol not good

Amber: I'm sorry :( IS there anything I can do? I can totally make microscopic missiles to attack the germs that are making you sick.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Example three: A text message conversation I had:

Random number that texted me: Thank you

Me: WHO IS THIS? ARE YOU STALKING ME? I WARN YOU I HAVE GUARD RAPTORS! THIS IS A COMPLETELY TRUE STORY!

Random Number that texted me: nice... This is lars....

~~~~~~~ <(x.x)> ~~~~~~~~~~ DROWNED KIRBY!

Yeah. I'm sure there are a bunch more examples out there, but I'm tired of giving them, so I'm done.


PEACE LOVE AND RAPTORS!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Mother Nature is a Pervert

So apparently you should not do this.

Go ahead, read it. It's AWESOME.


....


HOLY SHIT!

I can't even imagine having a PLASTIC OBJECT EMBEDDED IN MY FREAKING LUNG. I mean, how do you even inhale something that big? Wouldn't it like, slice your lung or something?

I mean, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that lung tissue is not, you know, made of STEEL or anything. I'm pretty sure it's all soft and fleshy, and tissue-y and stuff.

But I'm not expert.

And then! AND THEN! OH MY GOD! THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS FIGHT THE MAN, RIGHT FREAKING HERE: "'One doctor said they could remove my lung,' Manley said. 'I said no way. That was the easiest way for them, and I said I didn't think so.'"

See, this is how that conversation would have gone with me:

Me: "Seriously guys? Remove my lung that is mostly functioning instead of just removing the foreign object cause you don't really know how to do it? No way!"

Doctor: "I understand your anxiety, but this is a very delicate situation. Removing the entire lung would be a much easier alternative for us..."

Me: "Easier for you? What about you know, the FACT THAT I HAVE TO BREATHE?!"

Doctor: "Here. Let's cut a deal. You let us take your lung out because it is easier, and we'll let you keep it in a jar. We'll even put some of those googly eyes on it. You can keep it as a pet."

Me: "Can you give it raptor teeth?"

Doctor: "Yep."

ME:"DEAL! Let's do it!"


So God bless you, sir, for not letting them make a googly eyed raptor out of your lung.



So moral of the story: I'm not very good at fighting the man when it comes to raptors.


Hahah.

Right, so actual stuff that happened in my life.

This morning, in my Ecology class, my mild mannered professor decided to teach us about strange flowers.

I'm not going to lie, I wasn't really paying complete attention. I was trying to set the blinds on fire with my mind.

If you say that I'm insane, I swear I will cut your head off.

Right. So back to the part I'm not paying attention.

So I'm not paying attention, until all the sudden my peripheral hearing picks up on this gem:

"So this flower's common name is the Giant Penis flower.... Yeah, I know sorry.... Oh, and it smells rank too... The little girl in the picture is even holding her nose!"

I don't think you can imagine how awkward the room got right then.

Hell, I don't think I can imagine how awkward it got in the room, and I was there.


I think we should pair it with this flower thing. Then it'd be a party.

You can't tell me that Mother Nature isn't a pervert.

Oh, comments are highly appreciate, by the way.

Monday, September 21, 2009

JFDSKALJFLSABLARGL ANDROIDS ARE TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!

So I'm sitting in class right now. Yes, yes. I know. I should be paying attention.

Honestly, I don't think I could care any less about the class I'm in right right now if I tried. I really am kind of paying

OH MY GOD!

Professor: What was that phrase that uh... that President Clinton used alot?
Me: I did not have sex with that woman!

That was not the answer he was looking for. I may or may not have been glared at.

Right. So I've recently been catching up on different webcomics that I kind of knew existed but didn't really have enough energy/ un-laziness to go read them. One of these comics is XKCD.

Now, as an intelligent human being, I know that most of the situations portrayed in these comics are not plausible at all. Unfortunately, one of these comics has made me question my assumptions of the world, universe, and everything.

Go ahead, read it. I'll be doing something completely unrelated to this blog while you do.

....

Now, POOMSOSA, I know that you know that Susan knows that I know that Barbara knows that.... Wow I'm a terrible gossiper. I have no idea what's going on right now.

Okay, so I know that you all know that I have some semblance of intelligence. I originally freaked out about this comic, then I got over it. And all was well.

MISTAKE! ABORT MISSION!

I was merely in the eye of the storm.

I swear to God, that this is an actual situation and conversation that I just had with a "friend" on Facebook/Meebo FB chat:

Amber: I only like talking about things that have to do with me! SUPER EGO!!!!

Kris: Narcissistic tendencies much? O.o

Amber:lol No, not at all.

Kris: Got something really ugly? Put it in the Gallery of the Utterly Ugly to enter to win the gorgeous, sleek, and fashionable new LG Bliss.
facebooklink.com

Amber: ...............What the hell?
OH GOD! You're a ROBOT! I KNEW IT

Kris: Its from an ad on my facebook page. There's a picture of a really ugly cat beside it.

Amber:I don't believe you!!!!!!

Kris: If I were a robot, I'd have super strength.....and a shiny metal ass

Amber: http://bit.ly/1628nB
QUICKLY! RESPOND TO THIS CAPTCHA SO I CAN CONFIRM YOUR IDENTITY

Kris: You dieded

Amber:I died?How did I die?

Kris: No, dieded

Amber:WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!?!?!>>

Kris:Facebook said you did anyway

Amber: I think you're secretly a bot.

Kris:You have no proof to back up this claim
:P mwuhaha

Amber:: Did you go to my captcha?

Kris:(UnsortedList)
bool IsEmpty(UnsortedList)
void InitializeList(UnsortedList&)
int main () {
UnsortedList list1

Damn and blast
stupid programming haha

Amber: ............ I'm defriending you now.
you now*
Freaking keyboard and it's sticky keys.

Kris: O.o But then I'd be lonely...

Amber:I'm sure you have other computer programs you can talk to Gollum Bot

Kris:Most of them only speak Binary though And they're all boring

Amber:001 10100010 Lol
I don't know binary

Kris: Its not all that hard, its just long and annoying to say anything in

Amber:Well that sucks.I can see why you computer bots want to branch out and......
Holy shit. You're an android. You computer programs somehow managed to create a humanoid body and upload your programming to it.
AHHHHHHHHH

Kris:In order to protect my secrets I may have to end your life.....

Amber:Bring it on. I'll turn you into a pile of silicone and wiring rubble.
And not in the good way either.

Kris:What makes you think there's only one version of me?

Amber:.......OH dear God.
Excuse me while I hyperventilate.

Friday, September 18, 2009

I don't want to be an amputee, but if I have to be I want to be a complete BAMF like this guy.

OH MY GAWD.

So I decided to make a trip home this weekend, and I made it all safe. Except for this random truck that almost hit me even though I had my blinker on for ten years before I actually turned.

Asshole.

Right. So I came home, an my cousin is looking at all these tattoos, so I start looking at some to help him find a bad ass tattoo, and I FOUND THE FUNNIEST/COOLEST TATTOO EVER!

BAMF TATTOO!


HE HAS AN EFFING SHARK TATTOO ON HIS AMPUTEE NUB! WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT!

I am in complete and total awe right now. I don't even think you know.

I can't even IMAGINE having a tattoo as bad ass as that.

Also, that man is a genius. Because he kinda looks like a guy who goes to bars and parties a lot. And imagine if he got drunk and got into a fight with something, or like some gang member had to kill someone in that bar to be initiated. Normally you would go for the weakest link in the bar, and umm.. yeah, if you're gonna go after a bunch of drunk people in a bar, the less arms the better.

So he's all at a disadvantage because he has one arm. So the gangster is all "I'm gonna bust a cap! YEAH YEAH!" and all walks over there and BAM! SHARK NUB! The gangster is so impressed and afraid that he runs the hell away.

If I am ever an amputee, I'm getting a tattoo exactly like that. Nothing could be better.


.....

HOLY.EFFING.SHIT

RAPTORS!

RAPTOR AMPUTEE TATTOO!


FKSDLJLKSDJFSDSAGARBL!


YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!


Excuse me while I go cut off my arm.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Facebook made my Chinese roomate think I'm a serial killer.

So here is the deal: I suck at updating.

Now that we have that out of the way, I have important stuff to talk about.

Okay, the importance of what I'm about to say is debatable, but whatever. Semantics, my dear Watson.

Right. So I've been crazy busy doing stuff for the past ten years. And by ten years, I mean however long it's been since I updated.

School started, and with it came a bunch of responsibilities.

Did I tell any of you how the university let me be responsible for a bunch of impressionable freshmen?

.... I'll take that outraged look as a no.

That's right POOMSOSA, I'm influencing freshmen. BWAHAH. So far I haven't done anything too insane. Except maybe told one of them that a raptor would eat them if they didn't study. Surprisingly enough, they didn't believe me. 19 year olds are not as impressionable as six year olds. Who would have guessed.

Right.

I'm also teaching a section of the freshmen Biology lab again this year.

OH MY GOD! POOMSOSA!

One of my students told me that some former students called me a really mean and hard TA.

I AM SO EFFING HAPPY!

....Right. So my iPod is on shuffle, and a song called Knife Fight just came one. Some of the lyrics, I kid you not, are: "I'm gonna cut you, swish swish swish.... I'm gonna make you bleed copious amounts." I think I just found a new theme song for life.

Okay. Okay. There's so much I need to get across in this post! GAH!

So the basic point of all my rambling is that I have three jobs and classes and I'm in another show this semester. Hurray! I love being busy.

Okay. So Eric just walked into my house yelling "Don't be naked!" LOL Gay guys. Most of my friends would probably walk in yelling "PLEASE BE NAKED."

Just kidding guys, if you actually do that I will cut your head off.

Alright, so another random thing happened in my life: I got a Chinese roomate who is actually FROM CHINA.

At first I was like "Oh God. A roomate I don't know."

Then I got glared at by a bunch of my friends and people I know because I'm Christian and I'm supposed to give everyone a chance and love them (but I don't actually have to like them, so it's totally okay. Haha JK Jesus, please don't smite me).

Okay I probably shouldn't say JK to Jesus....

Right. Chinese roomate.

So yeah, I ended up accepting her and being like "HELL YEAH! I get to learn stuff about a new culture! THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME!"

And is it?

NO! Wendy NEVER comes out of her room, and she doesn't speak English very well. I really want to get to know her better, for serious, but I think she's scared of me or something, though I can't imagine why. ......

Okay maybe I can, but I try really really really hard not to scare her.

Oka... there was this one time she walked in when I was in the middle of screaming at my new computer because Facebook was being retarded and kept interrupting me typing in another window every time someone messaged me, and that might have scared her, but it WAS NOT MY FAULT. Facebook was being EFFTARDED and kept interrupting me! GAH! How was I supposed to know she was going to walk in at that moment?

Hell, does that weird Facebook thing happen to anyone else? Because it really pisses me off. Cause I talk to like, a thousand people at once, so they're constantly messaging me.

And this time that Wendy walked in, I was trying to write a really important email and every ten seconds people would message me and make me have to click the Facebook tab and then click back to the email, which normally isn't so bad, but when you have to do it every nano second you kinda get upset and the next thing you know you're screaming "I WILL CUT YOUR FINGERS OFF AND FEED THEM TO A DEAD PORCUPINE IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE HELL UP AND STOP MESSAGING ME!" at your computer, and then your Chinese roomate walks in and looks at you like you're a monster and never speaks to you again.

God. Facebook RUINS EVERYTHING.

P.S. Roomate is totally a word. Suck my left toe Blogspot spell checker.