Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I am the Raptor Empress

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, you read the title right. I am the Raptor freaking Empress.

Don't look all skeptical like at the screen. I will totally cut you.

Okay, I will totally metaphorically cut you.

Okay, so here is what down: I had a prophetic dream last night. What was the prophesy of the dream? That I became the Raptor Empress and ruled the world with an iron fist...er.... iron claws.


Okay, okay. I need to describe to you the prophetic dream.

Basically I woke up in this stone room surrounded by people and raptors, and all sorts of creatures like unicorns and dragons, and yeah, it was pretty BA. No freaking lie.

So they're all whispering and looking at me all concerned like when I woke up, so I sit up and I'm all "What are you all looking at? You're a bunch of mythical creatures. Surely there is something more interesting in this room than I am."

Except after I said that I was totally like "Shit, these creatures all used to seeing each other. I'm such an insensitive Biah."

Except before I could say that they started talking to me in some mystical language, and I was like, except it wasn't really that mystical because it sounded like a bunch of clicks and whistles and grunts, so yeah, I was all "Uhh...excuse me, I don't know what click click whistle touch your tongue to your nose means. Can you put that in English por favor."

Which was probably really inconsiderate because I said please in Spanish, and they were already more than confused by my use of English.

But then this big ass Kangaroo thing appeared out of no where and was all like.

"Greetings, Oh Great One"

I don't think I need to tell you that this got my attention pretty quick.

So then the Kangaroo is all like "I know you must be confused, but don't fear. I will teach you everything. We've brought you to this world because you are our only hope,"

At which point I had to interrupt, and I was all "Does this whole being your only hope thing involve effort on my part?"

But the Kangaroo just ignored me and told me I was the Raptor Empress and that I was supposed to defeat the evil Baraccagnoc.

Don't ask me how I know how to spell the name. I just do. It's ingrained in my being. He is my mortal enemy.

Right. So long story short I'm the Raptor Empress, and I'm going to save the world.

The end.

You may bow and exalt now.


Amilayne said...

Sorry, you've got to do the whole save-the-world thing before I do the whole bow-and-exalt thing. Besides, as the empress of Candy Land the most you're going to get from me is a handshake ^^v

Subatomic Tomato said...

......... empress of Candy Land < Raptor Empress

Also, you didn't even capitalize your title. FAIL!

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