Saturday, August 1, 2009

I am NOT Asexual. Myth Busted.

So people have recently been asking me if I'm Asexual.

Okay, they definitely haven't said it that way, but I know people are wondering if I'm attracted to any human beings ever.

They do have good reason to ask this. I don't really go on and on about how attractive guys are or anything like that. This is mostly because I'm terrified that the instant I say anything people are going to be like "OH MY GOD! AMBER HAS A CRUSH ON THIS PERSON!" When I don't. I seriously hate that crap. It is the stuff of my Angermares. If you don't know what an Angermare is, something is wrong with you. True story.

Anyway, the musical is going very well. We lost our first Jesus and got a new one. Wow. That sounds really sacrilegious and terrible. Ahahah. We also got two more guys, Will and Tommie. All three are hilarious and fairly attractive. Wow. I feel really awkward typing about this. Oh well. I have to do this so that people will get the point that I am not Asexual or a lesbian.

No, I really don't like any of them that way. Just saying.

Anyway, the New Jesus, well, he's pretty awesome and funny. Also his name is Lars, which is pretty much automatic win. No joke.

I'm probably a terrible person for thinking this, but I definitely expected the big burly hot lumberjack type guy to come barreling into rehearsal when he started. Then again, I also expected him to have a German accent, carry a gun strapped to his back and wear one of those strips of cloth tied around his forehead with camo pants and a bandolier of bullets across his chest, so my expectations were really high (not to mention highly unrealistic).

Lars looks nothing like this. He's only a little taller than me, and is muscular skinny, and has a mustache thing that he can curl. According to about ten people he looks like a younger John Lennon, but what the hell do I know?

I'm pretty sure every single girl in the history of ever is like "OH MY
GOD LARS" every time they see him, except me. And no, I'm not just talking about girls in the cast. I'm talking about every girl in the history of ever. Seriously.

He is a very lucky man. Or so I'm told.

I say all of this not in ridiculous fan-girly praise of him.

I say it to prove how much of a social idiot I am.

Seriously guys. I don't know any girls who would have an attractive guy come and sit ridiculously close to them and then be all freaked out. I also don't know many girls who would refuse to be part of a massage line with guys in it because they'd have to be touched by people, and one of those people might be a guy.

If you call me a lesbian I swear I'm going to cut your head off.

See, I don't particularly like to be touched, so none of these things appeal to me. I have this severe case of touch-o-phobia, or whatever the hell it's actually called.

I'm also aware that I have to get over this particular quirk if I plan to be in any form of theatre.

Let me just say that since Lars and Tommie made their grand appearances, the cast has been all "Let's play 'How Awkward Can We Make Amber Feel Before She Runs Away Screaming?' It's all the rage with the kids these days."

I would say this is unfortunate, but it's really doing wonders for me with my touch-o-phobia.

Seriously, someone touched me the other day and I didn't try to attack them. It was great fun.

Then there is Tommie, who I'm pretty sure is my favorite male on the entire face of the planet, and that's saying something because I'm supposedly "asexual".

Seriously though. Tommie is pretty much the funniest person I've ever met. He makes me laugh at least a bajillion times at rehearsal everyday, and he's so spontaneous that you never know when to expect it. I'm pretty sure he's going to make me explode my lungs from laughing so much. So yeah, if you hear about my death on the news because of suffocation, you know who to blame.


Amilayne said...

'How Awkward Can We Make Amber Feel Before She Runs Away Screaming' now has a fan/groupie. C'est moi. Personal space is highly overrated, especially if its being sacrificed for a massage. You need to become desensitized to physical contact *nods*. ^^v

Subatomic Tomato said...

You would support this game. Sometimes I wonder about your devotion as my "best friend". >>

t2hardcandy said...

haha love it!!

Holli said...

I agree with Amilayne. Personal Space = WAY overrated, personal space vs massage = GIVE IT UP and let people rub on you already. It is for the greater good. I will join the fanbase for "How Awkward Can We Make Amber Feel Before She Runs Away Screaming"
Sometimes you just have to let someone Reach Out and Touch You.
P.S. If you were asexual you so would have spawned by now. Just sayin. ^^

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