Friday, June 12, 2009

There are tiny gnomes mining in my nasal passages.

Don't be alarmed by the title, POOMSOSA. I am in no way being physically harmed by the gnomes (and by gnomes I totally mean a sinus infection, just in case you get all concerned that I'm hallucinating on LSD or something).

Well, they are piling their bounty up really high, so I can't breathe out of my nose. But who needs to breathe when you have gills?

Oh right, I do.

.....Crap. Now I really want some gills.

I could be like Jaws, only ten times more awesome and 100% less deadly. This may or may not be because when I try to swim I look like a dolphin with a two peg-flippers who is in the midst of having a grand mal seizure while trying to sing and dance a show tune. Except dolphins don't have gills, so change to to a Giant Blue-Finned Tuna. Or something like that.

Hahahahah. Peg Flippers.

That wasn't supposed to be a distraction.

I no longer remember what I started writing this blog post about. Thank God for the ability to scroll on computers.

Right. The gnomes in my nasal passages. They're really irritating. If I get woken up one more time by one of them whistling "Hi-ho, hi-ho it's off to work we go" or whatever that Disney song is (please don't sue me, I'm just mentioning you guys. Seriously Disney, the gnomes in my nasal passages aren't subjects to your copy right laws. Probably because they don't exist, but whatever), I think I might remove my nose.

OH MY GOD! Then I would be like a female version of Voldemort. Except I'd totally have hair, and wouldn't have lived in the back of someone's head.

Yeah.... I think I'm going to pass on that. Voldemort isn't very attractive. Also, neither is Cedric Diggory OR Edward Cullen. That's right, I went there.

Hey, Twilight loving POOMSOSA's, don't look at me like I just kicked your dog and then swallowed your pet gold-fish whole. Contrary to popular belief, God does not kill an orphan every time someone insults Twilight.

Not that I have anything against Twilight. You can be a fan of it if you want.

Hey, stifle the groan Mythology-based nerds who might be reading this. I get really sick of the whole "Twilight is so stupid because vampires don't even look or act like that." argument. Of course they aren't BECAUSE VAMPIRES AREN'T FREAKING REAL!

Unless they are, in which case please don't come drink my blood. I'm really not that tasty, I promise. In fact, you'd probably get some kind of weird disease if you drank my blood.

I think I'm going to go nail some garlic to my door just to be on the safe side. Hopefully that weird Jamaican vampire from Twilight doesn't bust on the scene. Because apparently they aren't allergic to garlic. Then I'd be up a creek.

Except I would be dead, so it wouldn't make a difference if I were up a creek. In fact, I'd probably be on the bottom of the creek, smashing into rocks.

In case you haven't noticed, being sick totally destroys my capability of being reasonable.

I blame the drugs.


Eric W said...

Fortunately, you didn't sanction those of us who protest Twilight based on its total lack of redeeming qualities! I'm free!

Subatomic Tomato said...

Mwahahahah. I couldn't possibly do that, now could I?

Amilayne said... + sinus infection + keyboard = THE most random, yet semi-coherent, monologue anyone will ever read. Seriously.

On Twilight: love the books, meh the movie. Feel free to insult the actors and Edward Cullen (who is a pansy, just don't touch the other chars ^^v)

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