Friday, June 26, 2009

The biggest difference between my little sister and Shakespeare is that one of them doesn't actually commit violent acts.

My school's theatre department puts on a Shakespearean play every summer. This summer production was the first part of Henry IV. Normally I don't like Shakespeare so much, but I decided to go anyway.

Do you know what is totally hot?

Sword fighting-- especially when it's two guys in olden times armor battling it out Mano-e-Mano.

I promise this is not another one of my insane tangents about possum human breeding or the Amish country.

So I'm sitting in the theatre with Ashleigh, Josh and Jared, and I'm kind of nervous that I'm going to do that thing where get bored and start narrating the show in my head in strange ways, except I end up narrating out loud without realizing it. Then everyone hates me and thinks I'm crazy because my narration usually includes talking bears and salmon warfare. This is a lose lose situation.

Okay, so I'm sitting there and the lights go off and I'm expecting someone to come out and start giving a soliloquy or something, and suddenly this music is all "RAAAAAAAAAR I AM MUSIC, AND I AM LOUD IN YOUR EAR DRUM! BEWARE CEREBELLUM!" and a bunch of men start screaming and run on the stage and start hacking at each other with swords and axes and shields, and I'm just sitting there with this giant demonic fan-girl smile on my face because they are not only sword fighting, but they are in olden times clothing.

I seriously almost yelled FUCK YEAH SEAKING!, but I'm pretty sure I would have gotten kicked out of the theatre because A) It's rude to shout during a performance and B) I go to a Christian university. I refrained mostly because I wanted to see more hot sword fighting.

So then a bunch of other stuff happened, and then more stuff happened, and then there an intermission where I dropped The People's Elbow on this one girl waiting in line for the bathroom because I'm hardcore.

Okay, what actually happened is that I was walking with Ashleigh to the bathroom and saw a teacher I knew and waved. Except replace waved with "wasn't really paying attention and ran into two girls and elbowed one of them really hard in the crook of their neck and knocked the other one over".

Right, so we went back in the theatre and the second act started. Some shit went down, then there was more fighting.

I have to put my foot down on this fighting sequence, POOMSOSA. One of the guys fighting had a definite advantage because he was Asian. Seriously, he like WALL JUMPED during one of the fights.

At this point I wanted to shout "SHENANIGANS! You are not Mario, you do not have the Z-button that allows you to wall jump!", but I was too distracted in the next moment when the other guy knocked him down and beat him to death with his shield.


So the this guy named "The Douglass" or something like that appears on stage and is all "LOOK AT ME I AM SLASHING MY SWORD AROUND AND I HAVE A DEEP BOOMING VOICE RAR!"

This is the point in the show where I thought Ashleigh and I were going to get kicked out because the only thing I could think of was "THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE HIGHLANDER! TIRES CANNOT DEFEAT ME!" whenever the guy talked, and I whispered it really loudly to Ashleigh. We both dissolved into laughter, and got a couple of glares, but I really didn't care because some woman brought HER FREAKING DOG to the show and it started yelping and causing a ruckus at one point.

No one glared at her. They all acted like it was perfectly normal for her to have brought A PUPPY to a theatre show.



There was another point in a fight between Hotspur and Prince Hal that Hotspur chased Prince Hal on stage and then threw a spear at him, and the Prince totally bitchslapped the spear out of the air with his sword and BROKE IT AND HALF.

I am going to have awesome dreams tonight.

I am also extremely amused by violence.


In other news, rehearsals for Godspell started Tuesday. I am playing Lamar. I love Lamar, even if Lamar is the slightly slow character.

This may or may not be because Lamar is the slapstick character that goofs of and/or is a little slow and draws attention to herself all the time.

The only thing I'm worried about is that at some point during the show we go out in the audience and dance around and stuff. That's totally cool with me for most of the performances because I like attention, and I like interacting with people (usually).

There's one problem: my six-year-old sister is going to be at one of the shows.

I seriously just got shivers up my spine.

I know, I know, it seems like she would be a sweet and harmless little six year old.


She's totally a demon child. Normally this is okay with me because I can sic her on people who irritate me/ family members who irritate me/ people I just want to be mean to. We're partners in crime. Most of the time. Sometimes she turns on me, and it usually ends with her kicking me in the shin and me attempting to punt her across the room.

I'm not kidding. One time she kept whining that she had to go to the bathroom in Walmart even though she HAD JUST GONE FIVE MINUTES AGO, and my mom was all "Amber, spend quality time with your sister and take her to the bathroom" which is really just code for "I'm too lazy to take her to the bathroom because she probably doesn't have to go, but she's whining too loud for me to ignore her so you deal with it". So I take Kira to the bathroom, and, SURPRISE, she didn't have to go. So she's all "I don't have to pee", and I'm all "Too bad. You whined about it, now you better squeeze something out", and she's all "I'm glaring mutinously at you."

At this point I thought I had won.


Kira starts screaming and crawls, HALF NAKED, into another ladies stall screaming about stranger danger.

I don't think I have ever been so embarrassed in my entire life. Luckily my mom showed up before the security people could take her away and accuse me of trying to kidnap her.

If that happens when I try to get her go pee, what's she going to do when I'm in character and can't acknowledge her out in the audience when she calls my name?

I think I'm going to ask the director if shin guards can be part of my costuming.

1 comment:

Amilayne said...

Rofl...You're gonna have to inform me of which showing your sister is going to so that way I can go and very much enjoy myself ^^v (hehe, j/k, your sufferings don't amuse me that much)

Where did the spacebar spamming go? Q.Q

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