Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Popcorn is the Stalin of salty snacks.

There are times in life when I honestly wonder what exactly I've been put on this world to do. I mean, I'm talented at a lot of things, but I'm not super talented in any of them. At least, I'm not super talented in anything that you could make a career out of. Which is totally cool because I don't want the paparazzi outside my door everyday, POOMSOSA.

Cameras eat souls, true story, and I don't want to take the chance because being a zombie is no fun. I mean seriously, the zombie is all "BRAINS" and the people it's running after all all "AHHH! A ZOMBIE!" and they try and run away but are too retarded scared to actually accomplish anything. So then the Zombie is all "OMNOMNOM" on their brains and they become zombies too, and if I were the first zombie I'd be the leader of all of them, and hell no because I don't even know if I want children, and they're helpless enough with brains. I can't imagine myself with a bunch of zombie children running around.

Plus I'm way too hot to be a zombie.

Right. So back to the part where I'm wondering why I'm here on earth.

POOMSOSA, I have discovered my talent.

I am a bad ass pickle vampire. It's the lamest coolest thing ever. Seriously.

So this is how it all went down. I was in the middle of experiencing an emotional breakdown extreme hunger, when I suddenly looked and saw a shining jar of pickles upon my microwave. Seriously, there was a freaking halo around the jar.

So I decide that pickles with help with my emotional breakdown hunger, and I start eating one and thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life. Except I hate just straight Omnoming pickles. I mean seriously, who does that?

I have a friend who bites the middle of the pickle first. She's like a pickle shark. Which is cool, but she makes a huge mess. I, on the other hand do not. I am chic.

So I take a bite of the pickle and then start to suck the juice out of it, only to find that I am so pro that I can suck the ENTIRE INSIDE OF THE PICKLE OUT!

It was like a light from heaven shone down upon me, POOMSOSA. I could be one of those bad ass circus clowns in Cirque du Soleil and entertain the masses. I mean, I'm totally okay with being a freak and stuff. I might be famous! I've never been able to do this before, and to think that I might be able to pin this fame on a pickle from on top of my microwave. Which was totally cooking popcorn at the time, but who cares about popcorn? You can't be a popcorn vampire. That's just stupid. What are you gonna do, suck the butter out of the kernels and harden your arteries? Fail.

Oh shit. I just thought of something. What if that halo I saw around the pickle jar was caused by microwave radiation from me cooking the popcorn? OH MY GOD! I've been mutated! Because...because! I couldn't suck the insides out of a pickle before, ever. NOOO! THIS IS THE POPCORN'S WAY OF GETTING BACK AT ME!

The popcorn is all "GRR! That stupid human is cooking me and really doesn't want to eat me. I can see her there thinking about eating the pickles on top of the microwave". And then it Carebear stares the top of the microwave with radiation, and the pickles get infected with it, and I eat one and get all mutated, and oh my God I think I can feel myself growing fangs.


I'm seriously hyperventilating right now. Also, I'm pretty sure I just saw a unicorn prance across my room into the bathroom.

I swear I'm not on drugs.

P.S. Spell check is a wonderful invention that I should use before I publish these posts.


Holli said...

Well if nothing else, you should make some guy very happy some day with your pickle sucking capabilities. Sorry, had to be said.

Subatomic Tomato said...

Unecessary! I call shenanigans on you madam!

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