Sunday, June 14, 2009

I'm secretly married to a gay man except not really.

So, you know those times when you have a friend who met someone they thought they would like online, but it turned out all that person really wanted was sex, so every time they come into town they call your friend up and are all "Hey baby why don't you and I do some math together by adding a bed, subtracting the clothes, dividing the legs and multiplying?" ?

And then your friend is all "Ugh. I'm not in this for sex I just wanted a friend or something," and they start complaining and your all "I told you those e-harmony commercials were a lie." And then you do an Irish jig and decide to ignore the problem, but your friend is all upset and disturbed that this jerk keeps calling them for sex, so you can't really ignore it?

I had one of those times today. Only this friend is totally gay so it's like ten million times more awkward.

Seriously. I don't know how I get into these shenanigans, but they seem to just appear out of the sunset like Prince Charming and sweep me off my feet. Except in my version Prince Charming is a hot Irish dude riding a dragon. And he doesn't sweep me off my feet. No, that bitch can fly....

I really need to stop before I go into a meditative trance about this.

Anyway. So today my friend Jared kept on getting this guy calling him for booty calls all day. I unwittingly wandered into the picture because I decided that I would take advantage of our friendship and use his kitchen to cook a meal for us.

If any of you caught that last joke, particularly Jared, I'm just kidding. I would probably never do that.

So I'm in the middle of cooking and Jared's phone rings. This is not an odd occurrence as Jared is as addicted to his phone as I am addicted to the internet. So I go on straining macaroni, and he's all "STOP CALLING ME! I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU YOU DAMN BOOTY CALLER!"

And then I whirled around and splashed hot water on myself because Jared scared the hell out of me and shouldn't be talking to people like, regardless of who they are, only to find he didn't actually answer the phone and it was still ringing.

So I'm all "What the hell Jared. You have to open the phone for them to hear you. Seriously. You're old enough to know how to use the phone. Who was that anyway?"

And then Jared's eyes lit up like he was a lioness who had just found food for her starving pride family thing. I swear that isn't me calling him a girl because he's gay. It was just the first reference that popped into my head. I have nothing against gay people as long as they don't hit on me. Which is a moot point because I'm a woman.

Right. So Jared starts telling me this whole story about how this guy he met uses him as a booty call and blah blah blah.

And then the funniest thing happens. The guy calls back.

And Jared is all distraught and bemoaning his fate because this guy just won't leave him alone. Then he gets the idea that I should pretend to be his wife.

Normally I would be against this. I mean, that's the lamest way of getting out of a booty call ever. I would never sink to such lows.


Okay that's totally a lie. I'm all into that stuff. In fact, POOMSOSA, I go all out.

This is the conversation I had with the guy, almost word for word.

Amber: Hello, who's this? (I was totally using a Texan accent BTW)

Guy: Uhh... Can I talk to Jared.

Amber: Well this is Geneviene, his wife. He's not in right now, can I take a message? May I ask who I'm speaking to?

Guy: Umm....This is Sean.

Amber: And who might you be, Sean?

Sean: I'm...uh... his friend.

Amber: Friend? OHHHH! You're one of those friends. My Jared does like to go and have flings with men--- HAYLEY ANN! GET YOUR CLOTHES ON AND GET UPSTAIRS THIS INSTANT! DON'T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN!-- Sorry about that Sean honey, my little ones are running all over the place. Now, I'd like you to not call my husband again.
He's getting right with the Lord now.

Sean: Uhh...okay?

Amber: Well thank you so much sweet-pea. Bye now!

Sean called back a little while later, and I yelled at him for it. Then he texted a few times. I think I finally go through to him when I told him that Jared had two children, and yes we made them the right way.

Regardless, this whole debacle ended in me making a Facebook for Geneviene Perkins so he could just list me as married if a guy was harassing him again.

So I'm totally married to a gay man. Except not really.

Oh God. I really hope having a fake Facebook isn't against the law. I would die. Like, the IRS would be like "Hey look, these two are married on Facebook, but they don't pay taxes! Let's investigate"

And then one day the Army or something would show up and kick in my door and be like "WHERE IS GENEVIENE PERKINS?"

And I'd be all "Umm... she's this fake person I made up so my gay friend could get out of booty calls." And then they'd be all big brother-ish and throw me in the brig for some made up charge.
Except one of the Army dudes in the platoon thing that came to get me would totally be gay, but no one would know it, and he'd stick up for me and be like "I totally understand what this woman did for her friend" And then the captain jerk of the Army would be like "Psh. Whatever. Sit down and shut up. You don't know anything."

And then the gay army dude would be like "NO! I'm totally gay and I understand! MR. GORBACHEV, TEAR DOWN THAT WALL!" Except by tear down that wall he'd mean "let the woman go free".

And then they'd let me go free, but that guy would be fired because the Army is stupid and discriminates against gay people, and then he'd be poor and out of a job and outed.


Dammit. I'm going ot get someone in the Army fired.


Holli said...

I will befriend you as Jared's wife but not really :D

Subatomic Tomato said...

Hahaha. Thanks Holli. I'm actually surprised at how many people want to be Geneviene Perkin's friend.

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