Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Apparently I look like a crack addict at one in the morning

Okay, so I totally lied. You didn't get two posts yesterday, POOMSOSA.

I'm pretty sure you will get over it.

.....

Unless you don't, in which case, I'll fake apologize to keep you from going over the deep end and coming after me with a sawed off shotgun. The results of that could be quite unpleasant.

Right. So I have recently realized that Abilene is the worst place to live. Ever. Why is this POOMSOSA?

Well, POOMSOSA, native Abileneisaurs (yes, that's totally what they are called) parade around in shirts that say "Keep Abilene Normal" all the time. This, coupled with the facts that there are approximately eighty bazillion churches in Abilene--

I totally just got derailed because my Google spell-checker didn't yell at me when I typed bazillion. THAT.IS.FREAKING.AWESOME.

Okay, focusing. Focusing.

-- three at least vaguely Christian universities in Abilene, and about 99.99999% of Abilene's native population is people over the age of eighty, gives off the impression that Abilene is a safe place to live.

My General Ackbar senses are tingling.

.....Yours should be too.

IT'S A TRAP! GAWD! GRAB YOUR LIGHT SABER AND SUIT UP FOR COMBAT!


Right. So here's what went down. My friend Elonda's sister is having surgery. She does not have a car, so she asked me if I could take her to a bus station at 1 AM so that she could make her departure time at 2:30 AM. Apparently the bus people were expecting a tsunami of people to be taking a bus from ABILENE (a podunk town) to somewhere in Colorado. Clearly there is a huge demand for this and they would lose track of their customers and people would be all grr and sue them for something or other.

...Then again, people going from Abilene to Colorado might be on the run terrorists or something. Maybe the whole " be here an hour and a half ahead of time just in case at 1:00 AM in a small-ish town" thing is a clever ruse for "we're Super Americans who are making sure no terrorists slip past our careful guard. Don't worry America, that bus they're riding on is totally a Transformer and will crush any shenanigans those terrorists try to get away with. HELL YEAH OPTIMUS PRIME!"

In which case, HELL YEAH bus stop policy makers! Take them down! UHUH *Z SNAP PATTERN*

I realize don't care that the previous statement may or may not be culturally insensitive to people who ride buses at 1:00 AM from small towns. And bus companies...and people who Z snap... The list can go on, but I'm stopping.

On the flip side, I hope the US department of defense doesn't read this and go all "OH EM GEE SHE SAID TERRORISM! LET'S CHECK THIS OUT GUYS!" and then read this blog post and go "OH SHIT! SHE MADE UP A HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION INVOLVING TERRORISTS AND TRANSFORMERS? THAT'S A CODE WORD FOR SOME PROTOTYPE WE'RE BUILDING! SHE IS CLEARLY A TERRORIST!"

That would suck major marmalade sandwiches. And marmalade is frickin' gross.


Wow. I just got majorly off topic. So I took her to the bus stop, and I start taking her luggage inside because she's disabled and isn't supposed to lift stuff. She goes inside to sit down, I got back outside to grab another duffel bag, and this man (who I totally thought was a hobo because he was sleeping on the curb near a road) comes up and is all "Hey, I'm from Denver passing through here, do you know where I can score some crack?"

At which point I'm all "What the hell are you talking about?" because I'm not especially socially bright at 1AM so I had no idea what he meant by crack. So he explains that he wants drugs, and I just kinda stand there and glare at him for a second before telling him that I am not into that kind of stuff.

Except I didn't really glare because he was a really shifty looking dude and had his hand behind his back the whole time, so I thought he might have a knife or a gun or something.

I seriously thought I was going to die. Except, I totally got gipped because I didn't get to see a flashback of my whole life. The only thing I could remember was this one time when I fell and skinned my knee in 10th grade. This memory totally made my knee actually start stinging in sympathy pain and really pissed me off because that's a really crappy memory to remember when you're about to die.

Of course I was also pissed because I always imagined I would go out in a gun fight with John Wayne's evil clone where I sacrifice my life to save the world from his tyranny or something cool like that, not by being stabbed by a crack addict in a bust parking lot in Abilene.

Luckily the dude just kinda skittered off back to his stuff when I told him I had no idea where to find crack, but that I could help him find lots of places to find Jesus.

Needless to say I got her luggage inside and got the hell out of there before the Boy Crack Wonder could change his mind and come after me with whatever was behind his back.

I feel compelled to say at this point that my friend Elonda befriended this guy on the bus, and he was totally helpful and nice to her.

That doesn't mean the situation wasn't scary.

Also, he must messed up thing about that whole situation is that when I told him I had no idea how to "score some crack", he looked at me like I was the bad person.

If you make some joke about how I should know how to get drugs because I am clearly on them, I will give you a permanent third leg. If you catch my drift.

P.S. The new Transformers movie was AWESOME. I'll probably write about that in the next blog.

1 comment:

Eric W said...

Wait.....a permanent third leg?

You mean a really large penis?

SIGN ME UP!

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